Dealing with a toxic person can be emotionally draining and mentally exhausting. While setting boundaries is crucial for your well-being, it often triggers a range of manipulative and destructive reactions from the toxic individual. They might try to guilt-trip you, gaslight you, or even turn others against you. Understanding these common tactics is the first step towards protecting yourself and breaking free from their influence.
1. They make themselves out to be the victim.
The moment you set a boundary, the toxic person acts like you’ve just committed a heinous crime against them. They’ll moan about how unfair you’re being, how much they’ve done for you, and how hurtful your boundary is. Don’t fall for it. Their victimhood is just a ploy to make you feel guilty and back down. Stand firm in your boundary and remember that you’re not responsible for their feelings.
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2. They give you the silent treatment.
Toxic people love to use the silent treatment as a way to punish you for daring to set a boundary. They’ll ignore your texts, give you the cold shoulder, and make you feel like you’re being frozen out. Don’t chase after them or beg for their attention. Let them sulk and focus on taking care of yourself. They’ll come around when they realize their silent treatment isn’t working.
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3. They try to charm you.
If playing the victim or giving you the silent treatment doesn’t work, the toxic person might switch gears and try to charm their way back into your good graces. They’ll turn on the flattery, the apologies, and the grand gestures to try to get you to let your guard down. Don’t be fooled. This is just another manipulation tactic to get you to drop your boundary. Stay strong and don’t fall for their fake charm.
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4. They try to make you doubt yourself.
Toxic people are masters at gaslighting, and they’ll use this tactic to make you doubt your own perceptions and feelings. They’ll tell you that you’re overreacting, that you’re being too sensitive, or that you’re imagining things. Don’t let them get in your head. Trust your gut and your experiences. If something feels off or wrong, it probably is.
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5. They try to turn other people against you.
If the toxic person can’t get to you directly, they might try to go through the people around you. They’ll badmouth you to your friends and family, spread rumors and lies, and try to make you look like the bad guy. Don’t engage in their gossip or drama. Surround yourself with people who know your true character and won’t be swayed by the toxic person’s manipulation.
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6. They turn verbally abuse (if they weren’t already).
When a toxic person feels like they’re losing control, they might lash out with verbal abuse. They’ll call you names, belittle you, and use language to tear you down. This is unacceptable behavior, and it’s important to set a firm boundary around it. Tell them calmly and clearly that you will not tolerate being spoken to in that way, and end the conversation if they continue.
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7. They try to make you feel guilty.
Toxic people love to use guilt as a weapon to get what they want. They’ll remind you of all the things they’ve done for you, all the sacrifices they’ve made, and how much you owe them. Don’t fall for it. You don’t owe anyone anything for basic human decency and kindness. Your boundaries are valid, and you have every right to set them.
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8. They become overly clingy.
Sometimes, when you set a boundary with a toxic person, they’ll respond by becoming overly clingy and dependent. They’ll constantly text and call you, show up uninvited, and make you feel like you’re responsible for their emotional well-being. This is a form of emotional manipulation, and it’s important to set clear boundaries around your time and energy. Let them know that you care about them, but that you also need space and independence.
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9. They try to negotiate your boundaries.
Toxic people often see boundaries as a challenge to be overcome, rather than a line to be respected. They’ll try to chip away at your resolve, asking for exceptions or compromises to your boundaries. Don’t engage in these negotiations. Your boundaries are not up for debate. They are a clear line in the sand that the toxic person needs to respect, period.
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10. They make empty promises to change.
When confronted with your boundaries, the toxic person might make grand promises to change their behavior and do better. They’ll swear up and down that they’ll never cross your boundaries again, that they’ve learned their lesson, and that things will be different this time. Don’t buy it. Real change takes time and consistent effort, not just empty words. Wait for their actions to match their promises before you let your guard down.
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11. They turn you into the bad guy.
Toxic people hate being called out on their behavior, and they’ll often try to flip the script and make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong. They’ll accuse you of being selfish, unreasonable, or hurtful for setting boundaries. Don’t fall for this gaslighting tactic. You are not the bad guy for protecting your own well-being and enforcing healthy boundaries.
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12. They become passive-aggressive.
If the toxic person can’t confront you directly about your boundaries, they might resort to passive-aggressive behavior to express their displeasure. They’ll make snide comments, give you the cold shoulder, or sabotage your efforts in subtle ways. Don’t engage in their petty games. Call out their behavior directly and reaffirm your boundaries calmly and clearly.
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13. They try to bribe you.
Some toxic people will try to use gifts, favors, or money to get you to loosen your boundaries. They’ll offer to do something nice for you, buy you something expensive, or help you out with a problem, all with the expectation that you’ll let your guard down in return. Don’t fall for this tactic. Your boundaries are not for sale, and accepting bribes will only teach the toxic person that they can buy their way out of respecting your limits.
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14. They become overly critical.
When you set boundaries with a toxic person, they might respond by becoming hyper-critical of you. They’ll nitpick your every move, point out your flaws and mistakes, and make you feel like you can’t do anything right. This is a way of trying to undermine your confidence and make you doubt yourself. Don’t let their criticism get to you. Remember that you are worthy of respect and kindness, no matter what the toxic person says.
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15. They try to isolate you.
Toxic people often try to isolate their victims from friends and family who might support their boundaries. They’ll discourage you from spending time with people who “don’t understand” your relationship, or make you feel guilty for prioritizing other people over them. Don’t let them cut you off from your support system. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth and independence.
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16. They become physically intimidating.
In extreme cases, a toxic person might resort to physical intimidation or violence when confronted with boundaries. They’ll get in your face, block your path, or use their body language to make you feel small and powerless. This is never okay, and it’s important to prioritize your safety above all else. If you feel physically threatened, remove yourself from the situation and seek help from trusted friends, family, or authorities.
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17. They pretend to respect your boundaries but continue to push them.
Perhaps the most insidious reaction a toxic person can have to your boundaries is to pretend to respect them, while continuing to push and test them in subtle ways. They’ll agree to your boundaries in the moment, but then “forget” or “accidentally” cross them later. They’ll apologize profusely, but then do it again and again. This is a sign that they don’t truly respect your boundaries and are just paying lip service to get you off their back. If this happens, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship and consider whether it’s truly healthy for you to continue engaging with this person.
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