We all want to feel loved, supported, and wanted, but when we’re on our own long-term, it can be hard to have that need met. Whether you’re single long-term, away from people you care about, or simply feeling lonely, a lack of emotional intimacy can be devastating. Here’s how to cope, and more importantly, how to change your situation and your perspective.
What is emotional intimacy?
In his 1972 book “Emotional Intimacy: Overlooked Requirement for Survival,” Alan M. Dahms defines this type of connection as an aspect of interpersonal relationships that creates a feeling of closeness, connection, and bonding. It’s an aspect of relationships, particularly romantic ones, that many people inherently desire.
Not all relationships, regardless of how serious or how long-term they might be, have emotional intimacy. There has to be a willingness from both people to share this deep attachment and reciprocal exchange of support, affection, and attention. Emotional intimacy can exist between lovers, friends, and even family members. It can be illustrated by sharing feelings, showing support for one another, practicing honest communication, and expressing love and care for one another.
Why do we crave it as human beings?
What is it about this deep connection with other humans that makes us crave it so deeply? Well, it’s just part of human nature. We need other people to help us survive, thrive, and ultimately feel less alone.
“As humans, we’re literally hardwired to want to connect and be close to others. It’s part of our brain’s survival mechanism from the days when we needed a tribe to help us meet our basic needs for food and shelter,” explains April Boyd, therapist and founder of the Love Loss Project. These days, the desire for emotional closeness is largely down to personal fulfillment.
How to cope when you lack emotional intimacy in your life
- Use the time to work on yourself. You’re an incredible person, but you’re still a work in progress, just as we all are. This is why focusing on becoming the best version of yourself is so worthwhile. “When you’re single, particularly for a long period of time, it’s essential to put in the work to ensure that when the right person does come along, you can show up as the best version of yourself,” suggests relationship expert and co-founder of So Syncd, Jessica Alderson. This might involve working through certain issues, letting go of baggage from previous relationships, or improving your self-esteem. If you use the time that you’re single wisely and focus on self-improvement, you can actually end up in a much happier, healthier relationship than if you’d jumped into one before taking the time to work on yourself.”
- Use meditation to find peace in solitude. Not everyone copes well with being alone. In fact, it takes a long time to become comfortable enough in your own skin that you’re not only okay but actually happy with your own company. Developing a meditation practice can help with this. It can provide clarity and perspective as well as bring you peace. Of course, it takes time to get good at it. You may struggle at first, but keep at it. Eventually, the lack of emotional intimacy with others will translate into a deeper sense of it with yourself.
- Offer yourself some grace and compassion. You’re not weak or desperate for craving the emotional intimacy you lack. You’re not strange or unlovable. It’s important to recognize that your desires are normal and totally human. In fact, they show what a big heart you have. Be gentle with yourself and kind, the way you would want a partner or a companion to be with you. You deserve it.
- Invest time and energy into your social connections. “Intimacy can come from different places. You don’t need to be in a long-term relationship to have intimacy with someone,” Dr. Jay Serle, LMFT, Ph.D. tells Bolde. “To avoid feeling lonely, it’s important to spend time with others. Focus your attention on spending time with friends. Maybe trying new hobbies. Being social and spending time with others can help reduce feelings of loneliness when you are single.”
- Lead with honesty, kindness, and trust. One day, the emotional intimacy you lack will be part of your life. In fact, it could already be there, you just don’t recognize it. Whatever the case, it’s important to walk through the world with kindness, honesty, and goodness. Be open and vulnerable and willing to connect with others. What you put out will eventually come back to you, guaranteed.
Dangers of not having your need for emotional intimacy met
When you crave emotional intimacy but feel it lacking in your life, this can lead to unhealthy habits if not kept in check. Without an awareness of your needs and an ability to manage them in a healthy, balanced way, you can be led down a harmful path. Here are some things that might happen.
- You end up with the wrong person. When you’re so desperate to feel connected with someone else, you might accept anything that comes your way rather than hold out for the right person. “Loneliness can definitely drive us into unhealthy habits, perhaps the most dangerous of which is settling for someone who isn’t a good match for you,” Boyd says. “I often see women dating below them, telling themselves, ‘This is just for right now, but there are two problems with this. The first is that no one can take a seat that’s already filled. Second, it breaks down your self-esteem both because you’re not really getting your needs met here and also because of the hurt & negativity that often happens when you’re dating someone who doesn’t deserve you.”
- You isolate yourself and are overwhelmed by loneliness. A lack of emotional intimacy long term can lead you to feel hopeless and depressed. When this happens, you might pull away from the world and begin to isolate yourself. You feel there’s no chance of finding someone to connect with emotionally, so you stop trying. This is dangerous and unnecessary.
- You neglect non-romantic relationships in your life. Just because you’re not coupled up doesn’t mean your life is devoid of important connections. Your friends and family love and care for you deeply. Plus, the relationships you have with them can be just as fulfilling as those with a partner. Don’t overlook platonic and familial connections because they’re not your idea of intimacy.
- You fail to establish boundaries in romantic partnerships. Along with being with the wrong person, a lack of intimacy can often lead you to accept the unacceptable from people and situations. “One of the most common side-effects of not having our emotional intimacy needs met is failing to set healthy boundaries,” Alderson shares. “We may find ourselves accepting behavior from others that isn’t in our best interest. This can lead to us feeling used, taken advantage of, and even further isolated. Ultimately, we can become desperate for a connection, and make poor choices that can be damaging to our self-worth.”
