Love languages are a concept outlined by marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D. in his influential book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. He argues that there are five ways of showing love and that each of us has a preferred way to receive it. If we figure out what our love languages are (it’s possible to have more than one), we can learn to love and communicate better with those we are closest to.
What are the five love languages?
- Acts of service Acts of service aren’t always obvious. It’s the little things: making your partner’s coffee in the morning. Taking the trash out. Being a good listener after a difficult day at work. All of these things are acts of service. People who need acts of service to feel loved appreciate the element of surprise that goes along with it, such as waking up to find that the kitchen is spotless or getting an unexpected lunch delivery at the office.
- Receiving gifts Some people express love through grand gestures. They bring flowers home, leave little notes, or secretly buy the shirt that their partner was thinking about getting. People who do not have gift-giving/receiving as their love language may mistake it as shallow and materialistic, but the pleasure from this type of love is derived just as much from the thought and time behind the gifts as it is from the gifts themselves.
- Quality time Quality time cannot be faked or phoned-in. It involves showing up for your partner consistently and without hesitation. It means prioritizing time together over every other pressing concern and making sure that the moments you share are meaningful. People who feel loved by quality time need their partner’s full attention and emotional presence along with their physical presence.
- Words of affirmation Some people thrive on compliments. They need a partner who expresses their feelings vocally, from saying “I love you” on a regular basis to talking about how lucky they feel to be their partner. Words of affirmation aren’t confined to compliments and declarations of love. This love language is about frequent communication. These people love receiving little handwritten notes and frequent texts–any words that show they are loved and appreciated.
- Physical touch Physical touch goes beyond sex. It’s all the intimate ways we show our partners affection, from a kiss on the cheek at breakfast to a shoulder squeeze at the grocery store. People who thrive on physical touch love it when their partner holds their hand or cuddles them while watching movies at home. For them, no words could express the amount of affection they feel from a simple hug.
How finding your love language can revolutionize your relationships
- You know what to ask for. When you know your love language, you can tell them what you need to feel loved. Your partner wants you to feel loved, and any clue you can give them about how to do it better will make their lives a lot easier. Maybe they’ve been showering you with words of affection when all you want is quality time. Once they know what to give you, you will feel more loved and they will feel that their love is appreciated.
- You know what your partner needs. Knowing your partner’s love language is just as important as knowing your own. We tend to give the kind of love we want to receive, oblivious to the fact that you’ll likely have different needs. When you know your partner’s love language, you’ll be able to show your affection in a way they recognize, and they’ll feel all the more loved knowing that you’re making a conscious effort to express how you feel about them.
- You’ll notice when they’re showing love. Sadly, we often miss when other people show their love for us because they have a different way of doing it. You may feel that your partner doesn’t love you as much as you love them because you’re constantly reaching for their hand, hugging them, and kissing them and they aren’t doing the same. All the while, they’re also feeling that the relationship is one-sided because their words of affirmation seem to fall on deaf ears. When you know how your partner expresses love, you’ll realize just how often they show it.
- You’re more thoughtful about how you show affection. Knowing your partner’s love language allows you to change how you express love for them. You don’t have to change your methods entirely, but knowing how your styles of love differ gives you a heightened awareness of how you choose to share affection. Thinking of your love as something they experience and not just as something you give them will make you more mindful of your relationship dynamics and the depth of your connection.
- You will feel appreciated. Anyone who has a lot of love to give wants to feel appreciated. Showing love is an act of vulnerability. You’re revealing your heart and letting the other person know that they have power over you. The more you love someone, the more they can hurt you by not reciprocating it. When your partner knows how you give love, they will be more appreciative of your love language. As a result, you will feel more secure in their feelings for you.
- It encourages communication. Talking about your love languages opens a dialog about the essence of your relationship. It shows that you’re willing to change for each other, make the other person feel more loved, and strengthen your relationship by evolving and being honest with each other. Talking about your love languages sets a precedent for discussing your partnership when things get tough. The more you can establish ongoing communication, the healthier you will be as a couple.
- Talking about it shows how much you love each other. Love languages aside, the fact that you and your partner are discussing something so intimate is a testament to your bond. Some people might find the concept cheesy and refuse to talk about it all. If you and your partner are discussing the ways you love each other, you’re reminding each other of how deeply you’re connected and showing that you aren’t embarrassed to take love seriously.
- It helps explain future issues. When you identify each other’s love languages, you establish a shorthand for resolving future conflicts. The next time your partner does something that hurts your feelings, you can frame it around your love language to avoid being accusatory. For example: “My love language is spending quality time together, so when you had to spend the weekend in meetings instead of hanging out with me, I felt rejected.” That will explain your feelings around your vulnerabilities instead of accusing him/her of not wanting to spend time with you.
