Finding the “right” way to ask a girl to hook up can feel like walking a tightrope. You want to be casual but not disrespectful, charming but not sleazy, assertive but not heavy-handed. Unfortunately, there is no formula, but there are guidelines you can follow to increase your chances of success.
- Put your best foot forward. Taking care with hygiene and clothing choices will give your chances of success an immediate boost. If a woman is attracted to you from the moment she sees you, you’ll be in a good position to flirt and initiate contact. Smelling nice and choosing a thoughtful outfit will make you stand out from the crowd even more. Think of it as a sign of respect: you’re attracted to people who put care into their appearance when they go out, so why should you hold yourself to a different standard?
- Choose someone you’re actually interested in. You may not want a long-term relationship, but you’ll have a better hookup experience with someone you actually like. If things get messy and feelings are hurt, it’ll be easier to resolve the issues with someone you see as a unique and interesting person rather than someone who still feels like a stranger. You may love casual sex, but women report much higher levels of shame and dissatisfaction with this type of intimacy. In light of this, establishing a meaningful connection (however brief) with the person you hook up with will yield a positive experience for both of you.
- Be respectful. You may think that this goes without saying, but people have varying ideas about what “respect” actually looks like within hookup culture. Make sure that the woman you want to have sex with reciprocates meaningful eye contact and engages enthusiastically with flirting. Be genuine with your compliments (most people can spot fake flattery from a mile away), and find something other than her appearance to appreciate. Being respectful means paying close attention to her body language. If she looks uncomfortable, back off, you’re doing it wrong.
- Be honest about your intentions. The success of a one-night stand isn’t based on how good the sex is, but on what happens after sex. You will not be doing yourself any favors if you tell a girl that you’re open to a long-term relationship just to get her into bed. The sex might be amazing, but you’ll be left with a tangled mess of miscommunication and hurt feelings that will take much longer to sort out than the one-night stand itself. The joy of a hookup is the ease and anonymity of it. Being dishonest will backfire.
- Don’t start with an invitation. Don’t assume that you’re on the same page just because you’ve been exchanging meaningful eye contact and have sexual tension thick enough to cut with a knife. Plenty of women like dominant men, but guys who come on too strong look inept rather than assertive. Always err on the side of finesse and charm rather than bluntness. Flirt. Make her laugh. Show her that she can be comfortable with you. Once all of these are accomplished, you can get to the point. She’ll be ready by then.
- Make sure she’s sober. This may seem obvious, but it can be easy to overlook when someone’s judgment is impaired if it works to your advantage. This is particularly dangerous if you’re trying to hook up with a stranger. Without any prior knowledge of the person, you may struggle to tell if she’s being flirty and encouraging because she’s interested or because she’s tipsy. In general, hooking up with a stranger you meet while out drinking is tricky territory. Be as objective as you can, and maybe wait a few hours after you’ve each had your last drinks to make sure her consent is made with a clear head.
- Don’t assume she’ll get “clingy.” One thing that women hate most in dating is when guys assume we’re all predisposed to fall in love with every man we sleep with. Studies show that casual sex negatively affects the mental health of men and women equally, meaning that any woman you sleep with is no more likely to develop depression and anxiety than you are as a result of your encounter. Believing that every woman you have sex with is bound to become emotionally attached to you is, quite frankly, an exercise in flagrant narcissism.
- Ask her what she likes in bed. If you ask this question and she immediately looks awkward and changes the subject, you probably haven’t found the person who wants to hook up with you. On the other hand, if she has an answer ready, chances are she’s interested. You’ll need to be direct to make sure you’re not jumping to conclusions, but a woman telling you what she likes in bed is a strong indication that you can take things to the next level.
- Kiss her. To modify a common phrase, a kiss is worth a thousand words. Everything you want to convey can be communicated with an expertly handled make-out session. Obviously, you can’t just stride across the dance floor and stick your tongue in a stranger’s mouth, but once you’ve chatted and established a comfortable connection, go for it. The worst that could happen is that she’s not into it. If that’s the case, it’s better that you figure it out now than in the bedroom.
Common Mistakes Guys Make When Asking A Girl To Hook Up
- Approaching too early You need to establish a connection before walking up to a woman you don’t know. Men often make the mistake of approaching someone they’re interested in from out of nowhere, tapping them on the shoulder, and starting a conversation. If she can’t see you coming toward her, she may feel threatened. It also gives her no time to decide if she’s into you or not. Starting with eye contact is key because it allows you both to decide if you’re interested before making contact.
- Not having a game plan If you’re going to approach a woman, you should have an idea of what you’re going to say and how you’re going to maintain a conversation. Put yourself in her shoes: a random person you’ve been swapping glances with walks up and says, “Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you,” and then waits for you to say something in response. Most pick-up lines aren’t great conversation-starters, and you can’t expect the woman you’ve just approached to do all the heavy lifting. You’re the one who made contact. You’re responsible for making it a success.
- Not getting to the point No one said chatting up a woman was easy. Case-in-point: after all the caveats about being respectful, not approaching too soon, and making sure you have enthusiastic consent, the last bit of advice may seem like a contradiction: be direct. Often, men approach women they want to hook up with but don’t say what they want for fear of seeming crass. We appreciate the respect and tactfulness, but ultimately, if a woman is flirting with you like crazy, there’s a good chance that she has similar motives and won’t be offended if you made yours known.