How To Ask A Guy Where You Stand In 10 Easy Ways

You’ve been dating for a while now and things are going well but you feel like you’re stuck in dating purgatory. You need to define the relationship and figure out what’s going on so you don’t waste your time on the wrong guy. It’s not always easy to know how to go about this, though, so here are some steps to follow.

  1. Make sure you wait a bit. Before you take the leap and ask him if he sees a future for you both, it’s good to wait a few weeks. This will prevent you from labeling the relationship too quickly or rushing things. It’s always a good idea to pace yourself and use this time to suss out if you even want a future with the guy.
  2. Prepare yourself. You should prepare yourself for what he might say when you talk to him about defining the relationship. How will you feel if he says he sees a future with you? And what about if he says he doesn’t see one and just wants to have fun? It helps to work through these in your mind so that you can tackle any nerves and anxiety and work through what you’d do based on his answers.
  3. Ask him about his plans. You don’t have to rush in with asking him where you stand out of the blue, especially if it just doesn’t feel right to do so. You can be sneakier about how you get your answers by asking him what his future plans are, both in the long- and short-term. He might mention that he wants to go on holiday in the summer with you, for example, which will tell you he’s thinking in terms of a real relationship.
  4. Pay attention to his actions. You might not even have to ask him at all. Just pay attention to how he behaves around you and what he says about you. A guy who’s serious about you will make it known. If the guy’s making you a priority, asking you out on lots of dates, and speaking in terms of “we” when he mentions the future, it’s clear that he wants to be in a serious, committed relationship with you. You won’t have to ask him where you stand.
  5. Ask him about his relationship views. Right, maybe you’re not getting much from observing the guy’s behavior, perhaps because he’s giving you mixed messages. In that case, you could suss out where he’s at by asking him about his relationship views and wants. How he answers will tell you loads about him and what he thinks about you. If he says he’s not really thinking of the future, that’s a red flag. Ditto for if he says he’s all about keeping things casual. Next!
  6. Have the “the talk” at the right time. If the previous points don’t help you because you want to go straight for the jugular and ask him where you stand, you need to ensure you do it at the right time. Don’t start a conversation when either or both of you are tired, hungry, or stressed out. You need to be in a good state of mind and have time to spare so you don’t have to rush through the conversation.
  7. Don’t do it via text! Not only do you risk it coming out wrong because you won’t be able to control the tone, but you might end up frustrated if he takes a bit of time to get back to you. He might also be busy with something else and unable to give you his undivided attention, which will make it worse. Save this convo for real life.
  8. Tell him what you want. One of the easiest ways to broach the conversation is to open with what you’re looking for and what you want in a relationship. This can be done in a natural way by mentioning that you’ve been having an awesome time with him or you can piggyback on a chat about relationships in general before mentioning that you’re looking for something real. It will be easier to focus on yourself and what he says in response to your words could tell you everything you need to know.
  9. Then just ask him! Once you’ve set the scene, go ahead and ask him. You could ask something like, “What future do you see for us, if any?” or “Are you enjoying dating me?” or even, “What are you looking for with me?” Whatever feels right to ask, you should ask! Now’s the time to do it so you don’t beat around the bush.
  10. Remember, it’s just a question. We get so caught up with how to go about this conversation, but honestly? It’s just a question and whether he gives you the answer you want or not, you’ll be okay. In fact, however, the question comes out is still better than if you don’t say anything. You should know your worth and remember that you deserve to know where you stand.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.