How To Deal When You Find Out Your Boyfriend Is Gay

How To Deal When You Find Out Your Boyfriend Is Gay ©iStock/fotostorm

Cheating, treating you badly and just not being compatible are all common reasons for breaking up. But what do you do when your relatinoship ends because your boyfriend comes out as gay? Suddenly, your world is turned upside down. Did you make him gay? Why would he use you to hide behind? Why did he put you through this? Since your friends probably haven’t been through something similar, you might feel all alone. Don’t. It does happen, and probably more than you’d believe. The thing is, you can get through it. It’s just knowing how to deal that’s the problem.

  1. Give him time to explain. Obviously, you’re hurt, angry and confused. Take a breath and don’t start yelling at him. Instead, ask him why he was with you to begin with and why he decided to suddenly come out to you. This isn’t easy for him, either. He probably has some very valid reasons and never meant to hurt you. Giving him this time helps give you some closure. It’ll still hurt, but at least you’ll understand.
  2. Understand how he’s feeling. Imagine caring deeply for someone, but knowing you can never love them the same way as they do you. This is what he’s gone through the entire relationship (and probably in other relationships, too). Yes, he does care about you and may even love you. He just wants to love a guy more. Coming out is difficult, especially when he knows it’s going to hurt you. Not to mention, his world is about to change forever. Try to be at least a little supportive, because this is hard on both of you.
  3. Remember how you feel about him. Do your feelings really have to change just because he’s gay? No. You can still love him, but you’ll just be friends from now on. A relationship is really just a friendship with added physical benefits. Before you push him out of your life, remember how you felt about him before he told you. Things will change, but the two of you can still be close.
  4. Realize it’s not your fault. No matter what he might say, he didn’t just wake up this morning and decide he was gay. He’s known for a long time, long before he even met you. So no, you didn’t make him gay. All you did was care for him enough and make him feel comfortable enough to be true to himself. He would’ve come out eventually, whether you were in his life or not. So just stop with the pity party. You’ll find a straight guy and live happily ever after.
  5. Move on and heal. As with any breakup, it might be too painful to remain friends. You don’t owe your now ex anything. He came out and the relationship is now over. If it hurts too much to stick around, move on. You deserve to be happy. Don’t linger and put yourself through hell. Make a clean break and give yourself time to heal. With a few pints of ice cream, a good cry and some girl time, you’ll be back on your feet in no time.
  6. Turn into his best friend (or not). Most exes don’t work so well as friends. If you can get past the heartache, you could just have a new best friend. After all, he already knows all about you and still likes you. Things were probably good before he came out. Why ruin a good thing? He could probably use a good friend right about now. It’s all up to you, but if you can manage to be friends, you haven’t really lost anything.
  7. Feel grateful that he trusts you. When a guy first starts coming out, it’s not easy. He doesn’t know how anyone will react. Instead of getting upset, feel grateful that he trusts you enough to come out to you. This proves he truly does care and values your opinion. Give him the same respect in return. Thank him for being honest with you and sharing something so personal. The two of you might not stay friends, but you don’t have to part on bad terms.
  8. Don’t blame him. Okay, so it’s kind of crappy thing to know the guy you’ve been with was probably fantasizing about the same celebs you were. All those uncomfortable yet sexy outfits you put on just for him were for nothing. Still, don’t blame him. It’s not his fault he’s gay. He didn’t suddenly make that decision because he’s being an ass. Blame him for not being up front to begin with, but don’t blame him for who he truly is.
  9. Talk to a friend. A good friend is always helpful when dealing with any breakup. It might seem too embarrassing to talk about, but get over it. Breakups happen all the time and your friend will understand. Remember, talk to a good friend, not the one who’ll backstab you the moment you walk away. After talking for a little bit, the two of you will be laughing about the whole situation.
  10. Give him space. He’s hurting right now, too. Not only did he just breakup with you, but he’s coming out to those he loves. You might want to be supportive or make him pay for ruining your life at the moment, but the right thing to do might be to just give him space. You’ll move on and find someone new. Give him the space he needs to deal with how is life is changing. It’s respectful and could help you salvage a friendship in the end.
  11. Think of it as a normal breakup. The hardest part about your boyfriend coming out is you think you’re the only woman who’s ever been through this. It doesn’t matter what caused the breakup. All that matters is the relationship is over. Who cares whether he likes men or women? Your heart is broken either way. Think of it as a normal breakup and you’ll find there’s nothing new to deal with.
  12. Look at other reasons he’s wrong for you. Besides the obvious, try to find reasons why the two of you wouldn’t have worked out. Maybe the two of you could never agree on having kids or he wanted to talk about your interests. Since the two of you were never meant to be, there are other reasons that would’ve eventually broke you up. Focus on those and you’ll suddenly see you’re better off knowing now.

It might seem like a strange situation, but it’s quite common. Dealing with it is no different than other breakups when you think about it. You’ll heal and find love again.

Crystal Crowder is a freelance writer and blogger. She's a tech geek at heart, but loves telling it like it is when it comes to love, beauty and style. She's enjoys writing music, poetry and fiction and curling up with a great book. You can find her on Twitter @ccrowderwrites or check out her other writing on Medium.