There’s someone you’ve been pining over. They seem so great, but for whatever reason, you can’t be together. Maybe they’re seeing someone else or maybe they’re just not into you. Luckily, you’ve finally made the difficult decision to let this person go. You’re well on your way to moving on, but there’s just one problem: It’s hard to get over someone if you’re still attached to them. It’s time to cut the cord and never look back. Here’s how to detach yourself from someone you know you can’t be with.
Why do we get attached to people in the first place?
People get attached to others for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to the following.
- You’ve formed an emotional connection with them. When we spend time with someone and share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with them, we can develop a strong emotional connection. This can lead to attachment, as we feel a sense of comfort and support from the other person.
- You’ve been through a lot together. Doing things together and creating shared memories can also contribute to attachment. These experiences can bring people closer together and create a sense of unity. Whether it’s a death in the family, moving to a different city/state, or another major life change, this brings two people together.
- You’re very physical with one another. Physical touch, such as hugging, holding hands, or cuddling, releases oxytocin, which is often referred to as the “love hormone.” This can create feelings of attachment and bonding.
- You’re dependent on them/in a co-dependent relationship. In some cases, people may become attached to others out of a sense of dependence. For example, they may rely on the other person for emotional support, financial stability, or for fulfilling certain needs. If you struggle to remember who you are without them or what you did before you were together, this might be the case for you.
- It’s all about evolution, baby. From an evolutionary perspective, attachment is thought to have developed as a means of ensuring survival. By forming close bonds with others, individuals were able to increase their chances of survival and pass on their genes to future generations. In other words, don’t blame yourself because you’re struggling to detach from someone. Blame science!
How to detach from someone you can’t be with
- Avoid making a scene. You might have the impulse to make a big statement. Don’t pull him aside and tell him how sorry he’ll be for not choosing you. Sure, you might feel exhilarated at first, but regret will surely follow. You’re a strong person, so just move on with your head held high. Don’t let him feel vindicated knowing that he’s had such an effect on you.
- Forget the idea of “closure.” When you get down to it, closure doesn’t exist. There’s no magic conversation that will make you feel 100% right about how things are ending. There’s nothing he can say or do that will completely take away the hurt. The idea of closure is just a way for you to prolong getting over it. The first step to moving on is letting go of all that hope that he’ll change his mind. Remember: You’re done for good.
- Quit torturing yourself. By holding on to what could have been, the only one you’re hurting is you. Make a resolution within yourself to change your thoughts every time he pops into your head. Thinking about how he always parted his hair to the side? Think about how popular and fashionable mullets are becoming these days. Change the subject, even if it’s only in your mind.
- Unfollow them on social media. You can’t exactly call it “detaching” if you’re still connected online. If you’re really cutting him from your life, commence the mass unfriending. You don’t need his new relationship status update or his favorite Sunday brunch popping up in your feed when you least expect it. You’ll never get over him that way.
- Don’t check their posts. Even after unfriending him on Instagram and Twitter, there will still be that self-sabotaging voice in your head that convinces you to check his status. After all, you just want a peek. What could it hurt? But it can hurt, and it will. What’s the point of unfollowing him if you go to his socials anyway? Don’t do it girl, no matter how hard you want to.
- Stop talking about them. It’s the classic scene. You’re with your friends and you spend an hour rehashing your interactions with this guy. Where it went wrong, why you cut him off–it’s all talked to death. I’m sure your friends will appreciate it if you started talking about anything other than this guy, and it’ll help you get over him a lot quicker.
- Ask your friends to avoid mentioning them. Of course, it’s not always you who brings it up. If this guy knows your friends, they might bring him up in conversation. Request that your friends keep you in the dark. If it helps, you can always give them a time limit. “I know you work with Damien, but could you avoid telling me about him for a few months? I need some time to get over him.”
- Go full no-contact. Unfollowing on socials is one thing, but if you’re truly set on detaching from this guy, you might have to take it a step further. To truly go no-contact, you’ll need to avoid any instances where you might see him. Steer clear of his favorite bar, of his side of the office building, or the laundromat when you know he gets his clothes done. Running into him is not an option.
- Stand your ground if they try to contact you. Has this happened to you? This guy knows you like him but chooses other girls, so you stand your ground and go no-contact only for him to start texting you weeks later because he “misses you.” He doesn’t really miss you, he just misses having the ego boost of a girl who has a crush on him. If the guy you like starts sending you messages of “what’s up?” ignore him. You’ve decided you’re done with him, so stick to your guns.
- Cut yourself some slack. While it’s easy to say, “just cut him off and get over it,” there’ll come times where that’s a lot easier said than done. If you crack and check his Twitter, don’t beat yourself up about it. Healing is a process and some moments are harder than others. You’re doing fine.
