Nothing actives your anxiety quite like the question of whether your significant other is being faithful. The “are we exclusive?” question is well-meaning, but it can ignite a whole host of insecurities when you’re put on the spot. There are lots of avenues that you can take when you want to get clarity and find out if someone is on dating sites, some more covert than others. Here’s a rundown of a few options at your disposal.
- You could ask them. This is a simple answer but isn’t always appropriate for all relationships. Yes, if you’ve been seeing them for a few months, you will feel much more secure in asking that question. But, if not, it can be stressful. This is because it reveals your own insecurity, which you might not want to reveal to the other person if they aren’t as invested in the relationship. So, by all means, ask them, but know that it’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable doing that yet. Guys claim all the time that the girl they’re seeing is pressuring them, or smothering them. No one wants to get a reputation for doing that too early in the relationship when you can’t joke about it. It risks your needs becoming a joke or an object of derision in the relationship, which isn’t ideal.
- Ask your friends. See if they have seen him on their dating apps. If your single friends have got him on their radars, then you can pool resources by looking. You might want to check yourself by registering on a fake profile, but that’s a step too far. You aren’t trying to trick him or catch him out, but you are trying to do your research to save yourself future heartache. It’s just due diligence, everyone should do it before committing to a big life decision. This is also a good opportunity to share any fears you have about the relationship with your friends so that they’re aware of the context in which they’re working, and so that they can support you in the future.
- Turn your settings on your existing profile to 5km. This means that you can see who he’s likely to see and see him because you’re limiting the range of people you have access to. This has two benefits. Firstly, you haven’t had to do anything shady – this is an existing dating account that you have, so it’s not like you’re sneaking around. Secondly, you can check relatively briefly. If he is online within a shorter range of time, his presence will be noted by the end of the day. There’s literally only so far he can hide. That means you don’t have to spend days and weeks obsessing, and you should get clarity relatively quickly. That’s in everyone’s interest.
- Check their phone. Go straight to the horse’s mouth – that’s another option. You run the risk of him catching you in the act – which would compromise your position of having the higher moral ground. However, it is an effective way of figuring out what he is doing. He can make excuses in all other ways – by claiming that all the dating profiles are kept active even if they’re not being used, etc – but he can’t deny what’s on his phone. Be wary that if this could incite his anger or put you in danger, don’t put yourself at risk. Also, even if you do gather the incriminating information, note that revealing your big evidence could be dismissed because of the means by which you came across them. Have a counter-argument in place.
- Say that you’re on dating apps. Even if you aren’t. This might encourage some more candor on his part about who he’s seeing. It might fire him up with the thought that you’re going to find a sugar daddy online. It does come with some risk though, as he might not have been seeing other people, but could take that piece of information as a call to arms. That might move him to open a dating account online that he didn’t otherwise have. We know that writing a good dating profile can attract the best partners, so don’t let yours go sniffing around. However, if he’s mature, that shouldn’t be an issue. Big if.
- Ask a friend in a similar relationship as you for advice. They will have lots of experience in these kinds of situations. That’s important to know too. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking that your suspicions are unfounded or that you’re the only one thinking these things. Everyone feels insecure sometimes, and everyone appreciates confirmation of dating status. Plus, you need to find out ways that you communicate early on so that these issues don’t escalate over time if left unattended.
- Get an online tracker. Lots of people have developed free and paid versions of phone dating app trackers. It’s not the most transparent of devices, but if you want a conflict-free way of figuring out what’s on your guy’s phone, this is the option for you. It’s quick and analyzes the situation from a data point of view. That leaves less room for interpretation or subjectivity or emotions to get in the way of judgments.
- Use a search engine to google them. This is a simple solution that few people would think of. It’s almost too obvious because it uses technology from a generation behind. By googling someone you can see all forms of their online presence – they might not even themselves realize how much of their life is public domain. It’s a reminder to us all to keep half an eye on what we give out of ourselves.
So there you have it, a few ways that you can keep tabs on your other half’s online dating profiles. As always, though, be careful what you wish for when you go looking for something you don’t want to find.
