How To Flirt With Your Ex Over Text When You Want To Get Back Together

Breaking up is rarely the end of a relationship. No matter how heartbroken you were or how loudly you shouted that you “never want to see [insert ex’s name here] again,” it’s never that simple. If you’ve found yourself contemplating a reboot of your romance despite everything, here are a few tips on how to flirt with your ex over text if you’re hoping for a reunion.

  1. Figure out your motive. Reaching out to an ex should not be done casually. It’s a Pandora’s box of unpredictable chaos: once you hit “send,” you cannot control the consequences. So what do you want out of it? Do you want to get back together? Hook up? Apologize? Become friends? Before you start composing a text, you need to be clear about why you’re doing it. Not only will this help you formulate an effective strategy, but it will also prepare you mentally for the inevitable fallout.
  2. Tell them you miss them. If you want to avoid mind games and strategy, just tell them the truth: you miss them. This puts you in a vulnerable position, and your ex will either feel compassion or indifference as a result. They are likely missing you too, and admitting your feelings is an invitation for them to open up. Bonding over missing each other isn’t the best foundation for a relationship makeover, but it is an honest one.
  3. Ask them for help. Couples become interdependent when they’ve been together long enough, which makes breakups logistically as well as emotionally challenging. Maybe your ex was the only person who could reach the top shelf of your closet or sort out your computer when it mysterious shuts down. These issues don’t just go away when the relationship ends. It is therefore entirely reasonable (depending on how bitter the breakup was) to ask for their help again. It will put their decency to the test, a challenge that most people are eager to win.
  4. Suggest a catch-up. This is an approach which will appeal to your ex’s maturity. You’re grown-ups, you’ve moved on, and meeting for a conversation after everything makes sense. You can sweeten the invitation by highlighting how well you’re doing and how the breakup set you off on a journey of self-discovery and improvement. Let them know that you’re a different person, and reassure them that you aren’t looking to rehash old arguments or get back together (unless you are, in which case, say nothing).
  5. Tell them you might have left something at their place. Lying is not a great way to heal your wounds after splitting up, but it’s a reliable way to get a response. Make sure you have a game-plan though because there will be an awkward moment when your ex realizes that what you’re missing isn’t at their house and the conversation is therefore unnecessary. You’ll have to work some magic to keep the messages flowing.
  6. Reference one of your favorite hangouts. “Still the best bagel place in the city” or “first time I’ve been back here in ages” are texts you can send to remind them of the happy moments in your relationship. Shared places are powerful, especially when they were places you went often together and that formed a part of your relationship. Sending a little photo of the spot to go along with the text will make it even more resonant.
  7. Ask them if they’re free tonight. Okay, wow. Hold your horses. But also, maybe don’t. Sometimes cutting right to the chase is the best option. If hooking up is the goal, just skip the sentimental ice breakers and say you’re down to bone. Who knows? Your ex might be shocked into arousal. Confidence is sexy. And anyway, what do you have to lose? They can’t leave you if you’re not together.
  8. Tell them something reminded you of them. After a breakup, it’s impossible to go more than a few minutes without being reminded of your ex. The sofa you used to watch movies on together, the podcast that you listened to over coffee every morning, the bed you used to share–all these things conjure memories of the relationship you’ve lost. As heartbreaking as this is when you’re still pining for your ex, it also offers an abundance of convenient conversation starters: “Hey, remember this?” coupled with a photo of the mug your ex used to drink out of will pull at their heartstrings.
  9. Use their social media as a conversation starter. “It makes me happy to see you happy,” or “I saw you got a new job. Congratulations! You’re finally getting the credit you deserve” are texts you could send your ex based on their social media posts. Drawing on your care for each other and combining it with a compliment is a strategic (and nice) way to get someone to relax and feel comfortable talking to you again.
  10. If they’re not responding, you’re not flirting. At some point, you have to accept defeat. No amount of creativity can break down their defenses if they have well and truly moved on. You can’t force your ex to re-engage, and you can’t flirt without engagement. If you’ve tried two or three times and have received no answer, it’s time to take their silence as inspiration and distance yourself from the past.
Rose Nolan is a writer and editor from Austin, TX who focuses on all things female and fabulous. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Theater from the University of Surrey and a Master's Degree in Law from the University of Law. She’s been writing professional since 2015 and, in addition to her work for Bolde, she’s also written for Ranker and Mashed. She's published articles on topics ranging from travel, higher education, women's lifestyle, law, food, celebrities, and more.