How To Get Him Back For Good—21 No-BS Tips

Heartbreak is tough, and wanting to patch things up can be an emotional roller coaster (especially if you’re not sure whether or not he’s on the same page). If you’re looking to get him back and make it last, the journey requires authenticity, self-awareness, and loads of patience. So, grab a coffee (or wine, I won’t judge!), and let me give you some real tips for how to win your ex-boyfriend’s affections again if you really want them.

Keep in mind that if he’s already moved on or things ended really badly between you, he may not be feeling a second try no matter how much you want it. Be willing to accept however he feels and give it your best shot.

21 ways to get him back

1. Reflect on where things went wrong.

It’s tempting to skip over the hurt and jump straight into getting him back. But, pausing to understand the roots of the breakup is vital. Was it an issue of trust, differing life goals, or perhaps external pressures? By truly dissecting the reasons behind the split, you’re not just preparing to win him back, but also ensuring the issues don’t reoccur.

Spend some solitary moments thinking about what went wrong. Journal your thoughts or talk with a close friend. This reflection ensures you’re entering the reconciliation phase with eyes wide open, fully understanding the challenges and equipped with a plan to address them.

2. Focus on self-improvement first.

After any breakup, it’s easy to place the blame entirely on the other party. But, genuine personal growth arises from introspection. Instead of thinking about changing for him, think about evolving for yourself. Join a yoga class, pick up a hobby you’ve always been interested in, or perhaps delve into personal development books or courses.

As you grow and change, not only are you showcasing a commitment to personal evolution, but you’re also enriching your own life. This isn’t about transforming into someone else, but about becoming the best version of yourself.

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4. Try to reach out to him and start talking again.

Starting a conversation post-breakup is a daunting task. The key is to keep it light at first. Instead of diving straight into emotional depths, begin with simple, non-intrusive topics. A message commenting on a show you used to watch together, asking for a book recommendation, or even discussing a mutual friend’s recent event can be a good ice-breaker.

These neutral topics can lead to more in-depth conversations, allowing both of you to ease into discussing the relationship. Remember, the goal isn’t to solve everything with one conversation but to gradually rebuild the communication bridge.

5. Apologize if it’s warranted (but only if you mean it).

There’s a world of difference between saying “I’m sorry” and genuinely apologizing. If you’ve identified actions or words that may have contributed to the split, it’s essential to recognize and admit them. This isn’t just about acknowledging your missteps, but understanding how they affected him and the relationship.

True apologies come without excuses and are backed by a commitment to not repeat the same mistakes. It’s a vulnerable step, admitting our flaws, but it’s also a powerful one. By genuinely expressing remorse and showcasing personal growth, you’re laying down a foundation built on responsibility and understanding.

6. Consider couples therapy if you think it might help.

Rekindling a relationship isn’t merely about reigniting the old spark; it’s also about addressing the issues that led to the breakup. Sometimes, those issues can be deep-rooted and tricky to navigate alone. That’s where couples’ therapy or counseling can help.

A professional can provide a neutral ground for both of you to express your feelings and concerns, guiding you through the healing process. They offer tools, coping mechanisms, and an outside perspective that can be invaluable. While the idea of therapy might seem daunting, it’s truly an investment in your relationship’s future.

7. Re-establish the trust you might have lost.

Trust, the cornerstone of any relationship, can be challenging to rebuild once it’s broken. However, it’s not impossible. Start by being transparent about your feelings, intentions, and actions. Consistency is key; one trust-building act isn’t enough. It requires a steady effort over time.

Whether it was a significant betrayal or numerous small letdowns, understanding the root of the mistrust and actively working against it is vital. This might mean setting up boundaries, seeking therapy, or just maintaining open communication. It’s a journey that both of you need to embark on together, constantly checking in with each other’s feelings.

8. Reconnect over the things you both loved.

Shared experiences and interests can be a beacon during cloudy times. They remind both of you of the bond you shared and the memories you created. Maybe it was a weekly tradition of trying out a new café, hiking on weekends, or marathoning a TV show. Whatever it was, consider revisiting it.

It’s not about reliving the past, but rather, it’s about reminding each other of the connection you shared and recognizing that it’s still there. These shared moments can act as a neutral ground to rekindle conversations, laughter, and perhaps even love.

9. Avoid game-playing, no matter how tempting.

It’s human nature to sometimes want to elicit reactions, especially when feeling vulnerable after a breakup. But tactics like trying to make him jealous or playing “hard to get” can backfire spectacularly. Not only do these games bring temporary satisfaction, but they can also further erode trust. True reconnection demands authenticity.

So, instead of crafting a persona or scenario, just be yourself. This sincere approach ensures that if you both decide to try again, it’s built on a genuine foundation, free from manipulations and half-truths.

10. Understand his needs.

You have your emotions, wishes, and boundaries, and so does he. While it’s crucial to communicate your feelings, it’s equally essential to listen to his. Understand what he seeks in a relationship, what makes him feel appreciated, loved, or even what triggers his insecurities.

This doesn’t mean bending backward to fit his every desire, but recognizing them and finding a middle ground. Relationships thrive on mutual respect and understanding, and truly grasping his needs can pave the way to a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.

11. Give him space because he probably needs a bit.

The desire to be close, to mend, to reconnect can sometimes be overpowering. But, remember the importance of breathing room. Everyone processes emotions differently, and while you might be ready to dive in, he might need a little more time to think and heal. By respecting his space, you’re showing maturity and understanding.

It allows both of you to reflect on your feelings, reassess the relationship, and come back to the table with clearer minds. This space can be the difference between a rushed, emotional decision and a well-thought-out choice to try again.

12. Express genuine interest in his life.

Beyond the realm of the relationship, show genuine interest in his life – his aspirations, challenges, and even the mundane day-to-day happenings. Maybe he’s recently started a new hobby, has work-related challenges, or has found a new favorite book. Engage with him on these topics.

This not only creates fresh conversational avenues but also emphasizes that you care about his well-being and personal growth, not just the relationship.

13. Nurture and celebrate the friendship you once had.

Before the romance, before the complications, there was a foundation of friendship. Going back to that can be both comforting and constructive. Remember the laughter, the inside jokes, and the mutual support? Reviving those moments can remind both of you why you got together in the first place.

This doesn’t mean ignoring the romantic aspect, but sometimes, treating each other as friends first can alleviate the pressure and bring a sense of familiarity.

couple hugging in reconciliationiStock/supersizer
A photo of a emotional goodbye between boyfriend and girlfriend

14. Be open to compromise.

Every relationship requires give and take. It’s not about losing your identity or always bending to his will, but finding a middle ground where both of you feel valued and understood.

Whether it’s about spending time together, making decisions, or addressing past issues, approach discussions with an open mind. Being rigid might push him further away, but showing flexibility can make him feel appreciated and understood.

15. Celebrate the small wins.

As you navigate the journey of reconciliation, there’ll be milestones, however small. Maybe it’s a productive conversation, a heartfelt apology, or just a fun date. Celebrate these moments.

Acknowledging these small wins can motivate both of you to keep pushing forward, highlighting the positive strides you’re making together.

16. Set boundaries and hold each other to them.

While it’s vital to be open and understanding, it’s equally important to set boundaries. These aren’t about restrictions, but rather guidelines that ensure both of you feel safe and respected.

Discuss each other’s deal-breakers and non-negotiables. This clarity can prevent future misunderstandings and provide a framework within which your relationship can flourish.

17. Don’t keep bringing up past mistakes.

Dragging the past into every argument or conversation can be a recipe for disaster. It’s essential to address past issues, yes, but once they’ve been discussed and resolved, avoid using them as ammunition in future disagreements.

This cycle can be toxic and prevent both of you from moving forward. Approach every conversation as a new slate, focusing on the present and the future.

18. Focus on quality time together.

In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to fall into a routine where you’re physically present but mentally miles apart. To genuinely reconnect, focus on quality over quantity. It’s not about the number of hours spent together, but how you spend them.

Engage in activities that allow genuine interaction: try out a new hobby, take a weekend trip, or simply have a device-free evening at home. These moments can foster deeper conversations and remind both of you of the joy of simply being together.

19. Be consistent in your efforts to get him back.

A grand gesture might win him over momentarily, but it’s consistent effort that will truly make a difference in the long run. Whether it’s actively communicating, regularly setting aside time for each other, or continuously working on the issues that led to the breakup, show him you’re in it for the long haul. It’s these consistent actions that will reassure him of your commitment to making the relationship work.

20. Prioritize emotional intimacy.

While physical intimacy has its undeniable importance, emotional intimacy is the backbone of any lasting relationship. This means creating a space where both of you can share your fears, dreams, and vulnerabilities without judgment.

Regularly check in on each other’s emotional well-being, actively listen, and offer support. This depth of connection can often be the glue that binds two people together, especially during challenging times.

21. Stay patient and hopeful.

Rekindling a relationship isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon. There’ll be moments of doubt, setbacks, and challenges. But, remember why you started this journey. Stay patient, not just with him, but with yourself.

Celebrate the progress, no matter how slow, and remain hopeful. True love has a way of finding its path, and with persistence and understanding, you can navigate your way back to each other’s arms.

22. Embrace new beginnings rather than focusing on the past.

While there’s comfort in nostalgia and reminiscing about the good times, it’s crucial to remember that this journey is as much about forging a new path as it is about revisiting the old one. This means creating new memories, establishing fresh traditions, and maybe even setting new relationship goals.

It’s tempting to cling to the past because it’s familiar, but for a relationship to evolve, it’s essential to look forward. Plan new adventures together, try out activities neither of you has ever done, and even consider setting relationship milestones for the future. This forward-thinking approach not only provides something to look forward to but also reinforces the idea that you both are investing in a future together, not just rehashing the past.

Jennifer Still is a writer and editor with more than 10 years of experience. The managing editor of Bolde, she has bylines in Vanity Fair, Business Insider, The New York Times, Glamour, Bon Appetit, and many more. You can follow her on Twitter @jenniferlstill