While we all like to say that men are trash and cast the blame for our relationship failures firmly on them, sometimes we’re capable of screwing things up just as badly. If you got in a horrific fight and said some things you regret or you’ve done something to push your guy away, potentially forever, don’t panic. Here’s how to get your boyfriend back as quickly and as painlessly as possible.
- Be honest. There’s no use going back into a relationship only to go and make the same mistakes. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. Therefore, it’s important to go into your initial discussions with an open mind about your future but also your past. Know that you might risk having your mistakes back in your face during arguments, but you have to both be better. Demonstrate your maturity by being the bigger person. That’s how you get stuff done in 2022. Look at yourself and evaluate how you want to be different or what mistakes you want to avoid. It’s not a blame game anymore — that was the old relationship.
- Communicate often and well. This isn’t just a checklist that means that once you have two discussions with your partner you’re magically perfectly suited to each other. That’s not how healing works, nor the solid foundation for a new life together. No, you have to commit to communicating effectively – even when the conversation is hard. Show that you can be accountable to the past. But, equally, don’t linger in what’s already been said. The last thing either of you wants is to get stuck in a circle because it’s easy and safe. Make your relationship exciting and new. That can be achieved by communicating new needs and making sure you’re both seen and heard.
- Check-in regularly. Make sure that you’re talking in a meaningful way, even after you get back together initially. Things will crop up that you didn’t think of before, and things will turn out not to be as big an issue as you thought they might be. This is why two conversations do not a healthy relationship make. Don’t get complacent. You still have to work to make a relationship work, even if you’ve been in it already. Anticipate the ways you will both change together and you’re already on the right foot.
- Ask for advice. Thinking about getting back with an ex can sometimes feel like a danger zone when asking for advice. Because your friends want what’s best for you, they might not always be too keen on the idea of you returning to an ex who is, presumably, an ex for a reason. But don’t be afraid of asking for help even if you might get teased a bit. Sure, your friends will have comments, but all great relationships are complex, they’re there to keep you on track. Use their advice and draw on their experiences when planning how to get your boyfriend back when you’ve lost him. We’ve all been there.
- See a therapist. If your friend’s well-meaning advice doesn’t hit quite right or if you feel like you need more support, reach out to a third party. Talk to a therapist, even if you haven’t ever done that before. Sometimes, you grow up thinking that only a certain kind of self-indulgent LA girl gets therapy when they haven’t experienced an obvious trauma otherwise. But I think we should all be in therapy because when we get to talking, there’s always shit buried deep that we need to talk through.
- Accept that you might need space too. You can want to get back with your ex while still needing space or change yourself. It can be a long-term aspiration and you shouldn’t have to drop everything at a moment’s notice just to get them back. Take your time, figure out your strategy, and find a process that works for you. Work through your own baggage with the previous relationship. That’s the best way to win them back: by showing that you’ve changed.
- Let him go if you have to. This is the bitter truth and the horrible advice you have to take yourself. But, if you don’t acknowledge this at the start of this process, you won’t be ready to face it if it happens in a few weeks’ time. Don’t start something you won’t finish, and don’t idealize a version of your relationship that you can’t get back.
- Define your attraction. Know the difference between nostalgia and genuine connection, and if you find the latter, go hard to get it back. Don’t burn all your bridges, though. Be considerate.
So, there you have it, a few ways to go about the perilous task of getting your boyfriend back when he’s maybe moved on. Be compassionate if he’s moved on with someone else- this isn’t the time for an emotional affair. Just make sure you listen to everyone around you.