How To Give An Ultimatum: Commit Or Get Out

No one likes being strung along or made to believe that something more is going to happen when it isn’t. It’s not fair to you if a guy is expressing interest but refuses to fully commit or put a label on things. If you’re fine with the way things are going, then that’s great. But if the lack of commitment is stressing you out and making you doubt your relationship, then it’s time to settle the matter once and for all. Here’s how to give him an ultimatum.

  1. Pick a time and location. If you’ve decided to give your guy an ultimatum, you don’t want to do it out of the blue or when you’re unprepared. Pick out a time and location in advance and make sure he’ll be available. Ensure the space will offer you the privacy and time needed to have such an important conversation.
  2. Give him a clear time frame. You don’t want your ultimatum to come across like empty threats. So, setting a clear time frame for when you expect him to make a decision is necessary. Give him a week to make up his mind, and if he’s not able to commit by then, tell him it’ll be over and done with.
  3. Write down what you want to say. You likely have a lot of things you want to tell him, but in the moment, it can be hard remembering everything and expressing it clearly. Take a moment to write down your points beforehand. Even consider bringing a couple of notes in order to guide the conversation when you do give him the ultimatum.
  4. Don’t let him invalidate your feelings. Don’t allow him to shift the conversation or convince you that you’re overreacting or being dramatic. He may try to downplay your feelings in order to prevent you from getting your point across. If he does this, call him out on his bullshit! He needs to give you respect by allowing you to say your piece, and if he doesn’t let that happen, then he may have already made the decision for you.
  5. And don’t let him sweet talk you. Another tactic he may use to try and prevent you from giving him the ultimatum is to finesse you with sweet words and compliments. Once again, don’t be afraid to point out what he’s doing. It’s not only disrespectful, but it will be counter-productive as it will make it harder for you to express how frustrated you are with your relationship being in limbo.
  6. Bring a friend for moral support. If you think your man is going to use any of the above tactics, or you foresee that you’ll have a hard time saying your points, then ask a friend to be there. They can help you stay and track and remember everything you want to mention. And if the guy gets combative or rude, they can come to your defense. It’s always a good idea to have a friend in your corner!
  7. Make up his mind for him. If a guy is being super indecisive, then make the decision for him. Tell him you’ve had enough of his hot-and-cold signs, and you’re choosing to walk away from this (almost) relationship, since not only do you deserve better, but you deserve to not be constantly stressed out by your relationship.
  8. Don’t insult each other or be rude. While you can’t control what he does, you are in control of your own actions. It’s not going to help anyone if you’re rude to him. Refrain from swearing or insulting him, even if he totally deserves it. Try to remain as mature and level-headed as possible. There’s no point lowering yourself to his level.
  9. Maintain distance after the talk. You may want him to give you an answer right away, but he’ll need some time to think about what you’ve said. Tell him you think it’s best to have a few days with no contact after giving him the ultimatum. You’ll both have an opportunity to think of what you want to say to the other person, and you won’t be tempted to constantly ask him if he has any updates on what he wants to do.
  10. Remember there are plenty of fish in the sea. By giving your guy an ultimatum, you’re opening up the possibility that he may say he doesn’t want to commit. If this happens, or if he just refuses to give you an answer (which pretty much means he doesn’t want to commit), just remember he’s not the only guy out there. There are tons of guys who will not only pique your interest and make you drool but will have no problem committing to you.
Alexandra is a freelance writer in Montreal, Quebec. She enjoys shopping as a sport, Buffy the Vampire Slayer re-runs, and being a plant mom.