How To Lock Down A Noncommittal Guy (Yes, It’s Possible)

Does your man break into a sweat and stammer every time you mention marriage or moving in together? Does he refuse to even talk about taking the next step in your relationship? It’s not unusual for a guy to be afraid of commitment, so the real problem is, how can you lock him down if you’re sure he’s the one for you?

First, ask yourself if he’s worth it. If he is, it’s going to take a little work to change his mind about commitment. For many guys, it’s not about not settling down with you – it’s a slew of other issues that have made him terrified of commitment. All it takes is patience and some hard work on both sides to make your guy truly want to commit to you.

  1. Show him he has competition. Some guys don’t think they need to commit because you’re already his. I’m not saying go out and cheat, but flirt a little with a waiter. Laugh a little more at his friends’ jokes. Prove to him that others guys definitely find you attractive. Guys don’t like it when they think they could lose you.
  2. Make less time for him. You’re already around whenever he wants you, but he’s the one who has a problem committing to you. Make him miss you and realize how much you mean to him. Don’t always come running when he calls. Wait to text him back. Make other plans sometimes.
  3. Ask him why he’s not ready to commit. Whatever you do, avoid any sort of attitude when asking this question. Make it obvious that there’s no wrong answer. Tell him you just want to know if it’s you or if there’s some other issue. You might be surprised that it has something to do with an ex, his parents, or a fear of not being good enough for you.
  4. Offer to take things slow. Pressuring him 24/7 to commit more isn’t going to help things. Tell him that you’re happy to take things slow as long as he helps you understand his side of things. As long as he’s being faithful and working on his issues, you’ll take things slower because he’s worth it. This gesture alone helps him realize you’re in the relationship for the long haul.
  5. Give him your best. Have you given him a reason to commit to you? Think about how you treat him and act around him. If you want him to even think about committing, you need to give him your best. You don’t have to be perfect, but show him you’re there for him and would actually make a good partner for life.
  6. Get involved in his life. I know this counters the whole “make less time for him” argument, but if he’s always there for you, the problem could be you. Do you really take any interest in his hobbies, job or friends? A guy is not just looking for a wife. He’s looking for a friend. Try to get more involved in his daily life. You might just find his real fears along the way.
  7. Don’t make your relationship all about sex. It’s great that you can’t be in the same room without tearing each other’s clothes off. But if your relationship is mainly sex with little communication or other activities, he’s going to see you as more of a hookup than a girlfriend. He may even think you’re just using him for sex. Make sure you’re showing him there’s more to this relationship.
  8. Don’t scare him away immediately. You might know he’s the one from the moment you meet. Guys need a little more time. If you’re talking marriage after the second date, he’s going to instantly go into non-committal mode. It’s a defense mechanism. Hold up on the long term future talk until you’ve both had some time to get used to the relationship.
  9. Make him earn you. Many women try to do everything possible to please their man in the hopes that he’ll want to commit. It’s great to be good to him and give him your best. It’s not okay to just let him use you. Make him earn you. Refuse to go out with him if he can’t treat you right. Guys love a challenge. If he cares, he’ll want to know how he can make changes to deserve you.
  10. Don’t just give in to keep him. How many times have you heard “I’ll think about committing if you do this”? Some guys are just jerks that love to see how long they can lead you on. Don’t keep giving in to him just to keep him around. Stand your ground. Otherwise, you’re just friends with benefits.
  11. Show him he’s not losing anything. Just like women, he might be afraid he’s going to lose his independence by committing. You say marriage and he sees himself being forced to drive a minivan full of little girls in dance costumes and sleeping every night under a foofy floral comforter. Help him to see that he can still be a man and have fun with his friends even when he commits.
  12. Be his best friend. It’s one of the easiest things you can do to convince him to commit. Stop trying to be his girlfriend or future wife and just be his best friend. Talk to him and get him talking to you. Do fun things together. Make him realize that he really does want to be with you every day.

I can’t promise every guy will change his mind. A real man who truly cares about you at all will eventually show signs that he’s not afraid to commit. If you don’t see these signs or any progress after a while, accept that he really isn’t grown up enough yet to commit.

Crystal Crowder is a freelance writer and blogger. She's a tech geek at heart, but loves telling it like it is when it comes to love, beauty and style. She's enjoys writing music, poetry and fiction and curling up with a great book. You can find her on Twitter @ccrowderwrites or check out her other writing on Medium.