How To Stop Being Jealous In Your Relationship — 12 Strategies To Try Right Now

They say jealousy makes you nasty, but you know what else it makes you? Unhappy, anxious, and miserable. It can also sink your relationship before you can say, “I have some serious trust issues.” If you find that you’re a jealous person (or people have told you so), how deeply does that jealousy really go? Is it affecting your life and your relationship satisfaction? Here’s how to deal with it so that you can get better control over the green-eyed monster and stop being jealous all the time.

  1. Ask yourself where jealousy is coming fromYou can’t control your jealousy if you don’t know its source. You have to think about what this jealousy is about. Are you jealous because you’ve been hurt by exes and you’re worried your current partner is going to hurt you? Are you jealous because you’re insecure about your relationship?
  2. Make a list of your insecurities. Jealousy is always tied to insecurity. For example, maybe you’re jealous about your partner’s friendship with his female co-worker and that makes you feel insecure about the relationship. When dealing with your jealousy, it’s useful to make a list of all your relationship insecurities as this will better help you get to the source of your jealousy and understand its triggers.
  3. Get real with your partner. Another important thing to do when you’re dealing with jealousy is to be open about your feelings with your partner. If you keep your jealousy inside, it can feel more overwhelming and spiral out of control. When you tell your partner about your trust issues, this can help them to understand it and also make sure they don’t do anything to make you feel unnecessarily jealous that it messes with your head. You should also speak to your partner if they’re doing anything to trigger your jealousy, as this will also help you heal from it.
  4. Figure out if your jealousy is warranted. Now that you know what causes and triggers your jealousy, you need to figure out if your jealousy is warranted. Thinking your boyfriend is cheating on you because he’s running 10 minutes late from work is unwarranted. On the other hand, thinking your boyfriend is cheating on you because of various reasons that keep presenting themselves, that’s probably warranted jealousy. If you feel like your jealousy doesn’t make you think clearly and logically, it can help to ask some friends for their advice on it.
  5. Focus on realistic relationship expectations. Another interesting thing about jealousy is that it can cloud your relationship expectations. If your expectations are very high and your partner doesn’t meet them, this could be misinterpreted as them being shifty or not making enough of an effort or having someone else on the side. So, have realistic expectations about what you want and what your partner can offer you as this will prevent jealousy from appearing.
  6. Think about what you want. Sometimes, jealousy can be trying to tell you what you want and what you don’t have right now. Therefore, it’s a good idea to listen to it and see what it’s trying to tell you. For example, if you feel jealous about your partner having a vibrant social life, this could motivate you to think about what you want from your own friendships.
  7. Write down what you feel. It can really help you to jot down what you’re feeling jealous about, even on a scrap piece of paper. This will help you to make sense of your thoughts and you’ll be able to spot irrational thinking that you’ll find easier to eliminate from your mind.
  8. Breathe before you push buttons. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed with jealousy and you want to confront your partner about it, it’s useful to take a few breaths. Go for a 10-minute walk and distract yourself. Or, try to see the bigger picture. Will this jealousy be a big issue next week, or in a month? It might be something silly, or it might be a symptom of a larger problem that you do need to talk to your partner about.
  9. Avoid lashing out at your partner. If you’re feeling jealous, it can be easy to use this to attack your partner. You might shut down and isolate yourself from them, or get into a fight. This only leads to drama and might make you feel like you’re nuts. The best thing to do is take time for yourself to calmly and rationally explore the jealousy before you confront your partner. When you decide to communicate it to your partner, make sure you do so when you’re both calm and have time for a chat. Focus on your feelings so that you don’t come across as interrogating them.
  10. Work on your confidence. Boost your confidence so that you don’t let your insecurities flow out of control and lead to unnecessary jealousy. Instead of thinking your partner is going to cheat on/hurt you, think about why you will be fine even if they do. It’s hard to trust other people, but you should be trusting yourself and knowing that you can deal with whatever life throws at you.
  11. Think about the good stuff. If your jealousy is warranted, then you shouldn’t force yourself to see the good things about your relationship, otherwise, you’ll be denying how you feel and how you’re not happy. However, if you know that your jealousy is rooted in deep insecurities that you have to deal with, it’s good to remind yourself of what’s great about your relationship. This will help you to keep your jealousy in perspective and focus on reality.
  12. See a therapist. If you can’t seem to control your jealousy and it’s making you miserable, it’s a good idea to chat to a psychologist about it. He or she will be able to give you healthy coping techniques and show you how to better manage your jealousy so it can’t take over your relationship and your life.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.