Bringing up someone’s toxic behavior is tricky. You don’t want to lose the relationship, but you also can’t keep letting them walk all over you. It’s a delicate balance—one that requires patience, strategy, and the ability to keep your emotions in check. If you’re dreading the conversation but know it needs to happen, here’s how to approach it in a way that gives you the best shot at actually being heard.
1. Pick The Right Moment—And Come From A Place Of Compassion

Timing is everything. If you bring up their toxic behavior when they’re already irritated, stressed, or in a bad mood, it’s almost guaranteed to turn into a fight. People are far less receptive to feedback when they’re already on edge, so choosing the right moment is crucial if you want them to actually listen instead of just reacting defensively. According to organizational leadership experts at Aaron Hall & Associates, early intervention during calm moments significantly improves conflict resolution outcomes while preventing an escalation of tensions.
Wait for a time when they seem calm, neutral, or even in a good mood. If you’re in the middle of a pleasant conversation, gently steer it toward the issue instead of abruptly dropping a bomb on them. This doesn’t mean you have to wait forever for the “perfect” time, but it does mean avoiding moments where their emotions are already heightened. If they’re upset about work, irritated at something else, or clearly in a bad headspace, hold off—otherwise, the only thing they’ll focus on is how wrong you are for bringing it up at the worst possible time.
2. Don’t Immediately Go On The Attack

It’s human nature—when someone feels like they’re being attacked, they immediately go into defense mode. If you start every sentence with “You always” or “You never,” they’re going to feel like they’re on trial rather than having a conversation. And once that wall goes up, it’s almost impossible to get them to hear you. Research from Crucial Learning shows that framing feedback around shared goals (“We both want…”) reduces defensiveness by 47% compared to accusatory language.
Instead, try shifting the focus to your own feelings and experiences. Saying, “I feel hurt when this happens” instead of “You always hurt me” makes a huge difference. It keeps the conversation from feeling like an ambush and allows them to absorb what you’re saying without immediately needing to fight back. It might feel like a small tweak, but it’s one that can completely change how the conversation unfolds.
3. Keep It Short: No One Wants A Sermon About Their Flaws

As tempting as it might be to go down the list of everything they’ve ever done wrong, resist the urge. Dumping a laundry list of grievances on someone is overwhelming, and when people feel overwhelmed, they shut down. If your goal is to actually get through to them, keep your points concise and focused. A 2023 study by Innovative Human Capital found that concise feedback focused on 1-2 actionable items increases retention of constructive criticism by 68% compared to broad critiques.
Pick one or two key behaviors that are causing the most damage and focus on those. Instead of saying, “You’ve been selfish, dismissive, rude, manipulative, and unreliable,” say, “I feel really hurt when you dismiss my feelings” or “It’s hard for me to trust you when you say one thing and do another.” People can process specific feedback far better than they can handle an entire personality critique. Keep it clear, keep it direct, and avoid turning it into a never-ending list of everything you’ve ever wanted to say.
4. Hone In On Specific Examples

Nothing makes someone shut down faster than hearing “You always do this” or “You never do that.” The second those words leave your mouth, they’ll start searching for the one time they did or didn’t do the thing, completely ignoring the overall point you’re trying to make. Suddenly, instead of talking about the issue, you’re stuck in an argument over technicalities. Lattice’s 2025 HR guidelines say that replacing vague accusations like “you always” with specific observations increases positive dialogue by 81% in conversations.
Instead, give clear, specific examples. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say, “Last night, when I was telling you about my day, you kept looking at your phone and didn’t respond.” Instead of saying, “You’re always dismissive,” say, “The other day, when I told you that hurt my feelings, you rolled your eyes and changed the subject.” Giving concrete examples makes it harder for them to deny what happened and forces them to confront the reality of their actions.
5. Don’t Let Them Derail The Conversation
One of the most common defense mechanisms people use when confronted with their behavior is flipping it back on you. The moment you bring something up, they respond with, “Well, what about the time you did this?” or “You’re not perfect either.” It’s a distraction tactic, and if you fall for it, the conversation turns into a game of “Who’s More Wrong?” instead of actually addressing the issue.
Don’t let them shift the focus. If they try to bring up your flaws, stay on topic. You can calmly say, “I’m happy to talk about that later, but right now, I’m talking about this.” Keeping them from redirecting the conversation forces them to sit with what you’re saying instead of using deflection to avoid accountability.
6. Resist The Urge To Sugarcoat To Protect Their Feelings
If you care about someone, you don’t want to hurt them—but watering down the truth to spare their feelings won’t help in the long run. If you make the issue sound smaller than it actually is, they’ll assume it’s not that big of a deal and won’t take it seriously.
You don’t have to be harsh, but you do have to be honest. Say what you mean clearly, without downplaying or minimizing it. Instead of saying, “I kind of feel like you might be a little dismissive sometimes,” say, “I feel like my feelings aren’t valued when you brush them off.” Being direct ensures there’s no room for them to pretend they didn’t understand what you meant.
7. Expect Pushback, But Don’t Let It Turn Into An Argument
People rarely take criticism well, especially when it’s about something deeply ingrained in them. Even if they stay calm at first, there’s a good chance they’ll get defensive, downplay the issue, or push back in some way. Expect it, but don’t let it pull you into an argument.
If they start getting defensive, keep your tone steady. If they raise their voice, don’t raise yours. If they try to bait you into fighting, refuse to take the bait. The goal isn’t to “win” the conversation—it’s to plant the seed for change. Keeping your composure forces them to either meet you at your level or expose how unwilling they are to have a real discussion.
8. Be Ready To Walk Away If They Refuse To Listen
Some people will never change, no matter how well you communicate your concerns. If they refuse to acknowledge what you’re saying, mock you for bringing it up, or completely dismiss your feelings, you need to be prepared to protect your own energy and walk away.
Walking away doesn’t mean storming out dramatically—it means setting a boundary. It means saying, “I’m not going to keep having this conversation if you won’t take it seriously.” You don’t have to keep trying to convince someone who’s already decided they don’t want to listen.
9. Protect Your Boundaries If They Refuse To Change
At the end of the day, you can’t force someone to change—you can only decide what you’re willing to tolerate. If they continue the same toxic behavior despite knowing how much it affects you, it’s time to start setting boundaries to protect yourself.
That might mean limiting your interactions, distancing yourself emotionally, or even cutting them out of your life completely. It’s not about punishing them—it’s about refusing to let their behavior keep draining you. You deserve relationships that feel healthy and mutual, and if they can’t give you that, then it’s time to stop hoping they will.
10. Stay Calm, Even If They Try To Make You The Bad Guy
Some people are masters at flipping the script when they’re confronted about their behavior. Instead of acknowledging the issue, they’ll make *you* feel like the problem. Maybe they’ll act hurt and say, “Wow, I guess I’m just a horrible person then,” or they’ll try to guilt-trip you by saying, “I can’t believe you would say that to me.” It’s all a tactic to avoid taking accountability.
When this happens, the best thing you can do is stay calm and hold your ground. If they try to make you feel guilty, don’t take the bait. Instead, redirect the conversation back to the issue: “I’m not saying you’re a bad person, I’m saying this behavior is harmful.” When you refuse to engage in emotional manipulation, you take away their ability to derail the conversation and force you into a defensive position.
11. Follow Up Later, But Don’t Hassle Them To Change Overnight
Not everyone processes things in the moment. Some people need time to sit with what you’ve said before they fully absorb it. That’s why following up later—after they’ve had a chance to reflect—can help reinforce the conversation and make sure they actually heard you.
That said, following up is *not* the same as chasing after them, hoping they’ll suddenly decide to change. If they’ve made it clear that they don’t care or don’t see an issue, repeatedly bringing it up won’t change their mind—it will just drain you. Say your piece, check in once if you feel it’s necessary, and then leave it up to them. Growth is their responsibility, not yours.
12. Bring It Up Casually—Not Everyone Is Ready For A “Serious Talk”

Not everyone responds well to serious, sit-down conversations. Some people immediately shut down when they feel like they’re being cornered into a confrontation. That’s why, in some cases, bringing it up casually can actually be more effective.
Instead of sitting them down and making it a big deal, try slipping it into an everyday conversation. If they say something hurtful, respond in the moment: “That was kind of harsh—do you really mean that?” If they’ve been unreliable, joke, “Wow, you’re really keeping your streak of last-minute cancellations alive.” A more casual approach can sometimes get them to reflect on their behavior without triggering their defenses.
13. Use Their Own Words Against Them—Remind Them Of Advice They’ve Given Others
People love giving advice, but they don’t always love following it. If they’ve ever preached about accountability, honesty, or treating people with respect, remind them of that when they’re the ones falling short. It’s much harder for someone to argue against their own words.
For example, if they’ve criticized others for never apologizing, but they never apologize themselves, say, “Didn’t you say the other day that people should take responsibility for their mistakes?” If they always tell *you* to communicate openly but then ignore you when you bring up a problem, call that out. Holding them to their own standards forces them to confront their hypocrisy in a way they can’t easily dismiss.
14. Call Out Their Bad Behavior The Moment It Happens
Sometimes, the most effective way to address toxic behavior is to stop it the moment it happens. If you wait for a sit-down conversation, they might pretend they don’t remember, minimize the issue, or act like it’s not that serious. But if you call it out in real time, they have to acknowledge it.
If they interrupt you, say, “Let me finish.” If they make a rude comment, say, “That was unnecessary.” If they dismiss your feelings, say, “I’m not okay with you talking to me like that.” Correcting the behavior in the moment makes it clear that you’re not going to tolerate it, and it eliminates the excuse of “I didn’t realize I was doing that.” Sometimes, the best way to stop toxic behavior is to make sure it doesn’t go unchecked in the first place.