I Choose Unavailable Men Because I’m Afraid Of Love

As I’m getting older, I’m delving deeper into my psyche and dealing with some harsh truths. I know that I always choose the wrong men, and now I’m beginning to understand why. The sad truth is that I’m terrified of true intimacy so I find men who can’t actually give it to me.

  1. It’s easy because I don’t have to go deep. I don’t have to worry about baring my heart and soul to someone if he can’t go there with me anyway. It takes a lot of the pressure off the relationship and allows me to keep things light and simple. I’m better at interacting with men when there are no stakes involved.
  2. No matter what, there’s a barrier of safety there. I know that I am emotionally fragile. While I work on strengthening myself in that area, I can’t deal with the possibility of a soul-smashing heartbreak. I put myself in situations where I know that I can’t have certain guys so that I always feel safe.
  3. I can have the benefits of male friendship without getting hurt. It’s really nice to have good relationships with men in my life that don’t revolve around sex and dating. I’ve found they tend to be much healthier, sadly enough. Until I can learn how to date in a healthy way, I’ll stick to this.
  4. I always know what to expect. There are no unpleasant surprises when I put my emotional walls up against men. I don’t worry that they’ll take advantage of my vulnerability. I know this isn’t the most mature way to behave, but it’s the only way I can function right now.
  5. Love is messy, scary, and inconvenient. I hate that I’ve never had a love that felt worth the pain that followed its demise. I love the initial feeling of being in love, but I don’t love the reality that accompanies it. Relationships are a lot of work and I can’t afford the emotional energy.
  6. It’s easier to wonder what could be than deal with the reality. I’m realizing this all over again because a male friend that I’ve always had a flirtatious relationship with is newly single. I used to think it would be great if we could date, but now that it’s a very real possibility, all I can do is look for every reason I can find not to go there.
  7. I’m more scared of love than excited by it. When I was younger and less aware of my issues, I always embraced love with open arms. I think they were a bit too open, and I let myself get hurt very badly a few times. I don’t have a functional way of dealing with heartbreak and I don’t want to let anyone in anymore.
  8. I don’t trust myself to pick the right men. And with good reason. I’ve done a terrible job of choosing in the past. I’ve been single for a long time now and since I don’t feel like I’m getting any closer to making the right choices, I don’t make any at all. I am constantly doubting my own instincts.
  9. If someone treats me right, I won’t even know what to do. I’m so used to involving myself with guys who can’t give me what I need emotionally. I don’t think I’d be able to take real love if someone gave it to me—I’d be so caught off guard! I’d have to train myself to accept that love.
  10. All my old patterns are wrong but I don’t know how to change. I’m aware that something needs to be very different. The problem is I don’t know what to do about it. I’m always drawn to the very men I shouldn’t be with if I want something functional. How can I change who I find attractive?
  11. The longer I’m single, the tougher it is to open my heart. I know I have to get back in the game if I want to play. I don’t want to deal with the mess that comes along with it, though. I have so much going on in my life that’s good, so why screw it up? It’s easier to maintain my boundaries.
  12. I don’t really believe I’ll ever have a healthy relationship. I try to have faith in myself and trust that eventually I’ll figure it out. If I’m completely honest though, I’m riddled with doubt about my ability to change. It sucks to feel this way, so I keep my heart closed off to real love.
  13. I’m so closed off emotionally that it’s easier to feel sad over what I can’t have than risk my heart on someone I can. Ah, there it is. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. I can handle a constant quiet heartache over a man who will never be mine. I can’t handle losing someone who I actually allowed in.
A former actress who has always loved the art of the written word, Amy is excited to be here sharing her stories! She just completed her first novel, and is also a contributor for Elite Daily, Dirty & Thirty, and Thought Catalog. Amy is the founder of What If Journey and can be found on Twitter @amyhorton18. You can also visit her website at amyhorton.net.