We pour a few glasses of wine, get comfortable, and start chatting. We talk about everything from life to work and everything in between. Then, when I least expect it, the worst happens: one of my girlfriends brings up her sex life. Here’s why I really wish she wouldn’t.
I’m not a prude or anything. Before you judge me, I have to insist that I’m not a prude—not by a longshot. I’m not the girl who flushes crimson when a sex scene comes on the TV or the one who can’t walk into a sex toy store without giggling manically. That’s not me. I’m pretty chill about the whole thing. I’m no virgin either—I’m in a long-term serious relationship. That’s not what this is about.
I can talk about sex in general. I know the mechanics of it and can have a good old-fashioned gossip session about the whole thing. If you want to speak in general terms about other people having sex, I’m totally down to do that. I have no problem talking about weird things people might try in the bedroom or reading a gossip column on the topic.
I can even give vague advice. Here’s where things get a little icky for me. If you’re really confused about something or need someone to talk to, I’m there. I can give general advice. Not that I know any more than anyone else, but I’m good for it. I’m happy to give my opinion on sex problems and how they might affect a relationship. It’s not my favorite topic but I’ll do it all the same.
I have a very active imagination. When a girlfriend starts telling me about what she and her significant other did last night, it sends shivers down my spine. As far as I’m concerned, my friends don’t have sex lives. The problem is that I have a seriously active imagination. If someone tells me about something they did, I absolutely will picture it. I can’t help it! It just happens.
I don’t want to think of my friends that way. While my friend is telling me about the latest position she gave a whirl, my mind is recreating the scene in high-res. I might as well be watching a porno with my bestie taking the lead role and her latest guy doing the deed. While her mouth is busy chit-chatting about what they did in the bedroom, my mind is busy giving me a glimpse into her sex life.
Plus, I also have to face their boyfriends. As though that weren’t awkward enough on its own, there’s more to this horrible and awkward story. Not only do I have to picture my friends getting down and dirty, I also have to picture their boyfriends doing the same damn thing. Then later, I have to face their boyfriends and pretend that I don’t know all the ins and outs of their sex life. It’s not cool. I’m sure that the guys don’t want me to know all of the above and frankly, I think that my life would be a much happier place if I was none the wiser.
I don’t need to know about their kinks. Look, everybody has their kinks when it comes to sex. It’s human nature and it’s one of the great mysteries of life. There’s just one problem: the last thing I want to know about is what my friend’s boyfriend likes in bed. It’s kind of a ‘need to know’ basis. If I don’t need to know it, you don’t need to tell me about it. It’s that simple.
It makes me feel seriously uncomfortable. I don’t want to have to say it but I will. I’d love to be cool about it. I’d love to just smile and pretend it’s all fine but it’s not. When a friend tells me about the things they did in the bedroom (or other places), I start to get weird and freaked out. I’ll start to act out of character and not be able to look them in the eye. It makes everything awkward.
Sex is intimate—let’s keep it that way! The fact of the matter is that sex is an intimate act. It’s not something that needs to be between a load of different people (unless you want it to be). It’s something that happens between consenting adults who have feelings for each other, even if those feelings are just lust. Sharing the details of it with the world feels kind of crass. There’s something to be said for keeping things to yourself.
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