Unrequited love happens, but the kind that I experienced was unrelenting, obsessive, and totally abnormal. I was rejected by someone and instead of walking away, I became more interested in him and didn’t want to let it go. I consider myself a woman of dignity, so this was pretty dang embarrassing.
He was emotionally unavailable. Shocker, right? He wasn’t available to me or anyone else really. He was wounded from a past relationship, a semi-recent breakup. He thought that he was OK to date again but learned when dating me that this wasn’t true. He showed signs of being emotionally unavailable, but I ignored them or even relished in them. Facepalm.
It was clear he couldn’t care less about me. Sure, there were times when he was wildly passionate like I was, but those were followed by periods of silence and distance. When he finally broke it off, it seemed as if it was no big deal to him and he did it with ease. While I was agonizing, I felt like he didn’t give a crap. After all, he didn’t have enough space in his head and heart to care in the first place.
I had this idea in my head that he was “The One.” In truly embarrassing form, a big part of me felt like he was my soulmate. It was an obsessive part of me that couldn’t shake the idea that he and I were meant to be together. I knew logically that it was a crazy thought, that it couldn’t be true given the circumstances, but I had it anyway and my mind relentlessly told me it was true. It made me devastated that things were over between us.
The obsession took over my life. Disconcerting as it is to admit, I became wildly obsessed with him. He was all I could think about every day. I was wondering desperately about why we couldn’t just be together. The obsession sunk into my bones. I experienced physical discomfort along with emotional agony. I became distracted during my daily activities and couldn’t seem to focus. It really shook up my life.
I’d never felt so desperate. Sure, I’ve experienced heartache before and even longing for someone I can’t have. This was on a whole other level, though. I felt as if I couldn’t get a grasp on my own emotions because they were running rampant. I felt as if I was totally out of control and completely desperate. It was not a fun feeling to be so low. I couldn’t snap out of it.
I had a hard time moving on. Obviously, with such strong feelings, it was difficult to move along. It took me a while to even not have my feelings for him ruin my every day. After all, those voices about him being “The One” stuck in my head. I wanted him desperately because of his emotional unavailability. Slowly, though, he stopped occupying so much of my mental and emotional space and I was able to start moving on.
I was in love with the idea of him more than the person he really was. If this all sounds kind of crazy it’s because I wasn’t really interested in my ex, per se. Really, I was interested in the fantasy I created about him. I built him up to be this demigod with all of these idealized traits. I created a story about how our life was going to be and when that idea came crashing down, I was devastated. Really, I’m mourning for what could have been rather than what actually was.
The experience made me think I’m a sex and love addict. I’ve had brushes with thinking I’m a sex and love addict before, but this experience cemented the idea. Sex and love addiction are about lack of control over your romantic life, and I certainly lost utter control when it came to this guy. I’m looking to get some help in this area of my life so that I don’t have to go through the agony again with someone else.
This wasn’t my first time experiencing obsession. I’ve had a bit of a pattern with this sort of behavior and thinking. I’ve definitely had experiences in the past where I’ve had exaggerated feelings for a partner, sometimes unreciprocated but usually mutual. Obsession seems to be part of my dating life and I don’t want it to be anymore.
I’m still not really over him. As much as I did some moving on, I’m not yet completely past it. I still have an ache in my heart that longs to be with him. I still struggle while trying to date other people to be present with them because my heart is elsewhere. I know that I’ll get over it someday, hopefully soon. In the meantime, my heart is still hurting a bit.
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