1. “Growing Up, My Views On Christianity Were Warped.”
Part of the “As Told to Bolde” series. Have a story to share? Contact [email protected]
Meet Hannah, 37. She shares how growing up in an extreme religious environment shaped her identity and twisted her relationship with her faith.
“I was raised to believe that obedience was holiness, that questioning was rebellion, and that my worth was tied to how quiet, modest, and unquestioning I could be. Every part of life was filtered through a strict religious lens—what I wore, who I spoke to, and even what I thought. For years, I didn’t know where my beliefs ended and the brainwashing began. I was scared of disappointing God but terrified of disappointing my community.
“As I got older, the cracks in the foundation became impossible to ignore. I started asking questions and found strength in curiosity instead of shame. I didn’t lose my faith—I just stopped letting it be used against me. I built a new version of belief rooted in compassion, not fear. It was painful and lonely, especially as I had to cut ties with my community and some family members, but I know God understands.”—Hannah James, Salt Lake City.
Continue reading about how religious narratives can be twisted and how to redefine your beliefs. >>
2. Learn The Difference Between Real Faith And Religious Control
Ever notice how some religious teachings leave you feeling empowered while others just leave you feeling afraid? That’s because there’s a profound difference between authentic faith and systems designed to control you. Real faith should expand your world, not shrink it. It should offer wisdom for navigating life’s complexities, not simplistic answers that shut down your questions.
As The Guardian notes, when you begin recognizing the difference, you’ll see that control-based religion relies on fear, shame, and conditional acceptance. Authentic faith, on the other hand, creates space for growth, questions, and even doubt. Start paying attention to how various teachings make you feel—does this bring me peace and help me become more loving, or does it make me anxious and judgmental? Your emotional response is often your first clue about whether you’re experiencing genuine spirituality or manipulation.
3. Spot Religious Trauma In Your Everyday Thoughts And Habits
That voice in your head that says you’re never doing enough? The way you instinctively feel guilty after enjoying yourself? Those aren’t just random quirks—they might be leftover programming from religious trauma, according to Psych Central. Many of us don’t even realize we’re carrying these thought patterns because they’ve become so normalized. The way you might hesitate before making a decision, wondering if it’s “allowed,” is actually a trauma response.
Take a moment to observe your automatic thoughts throughout the day. Notice when you apologize unnecessarily or feel the need to justify your choices. Pay attention to when you feel unexplained dread or anxiety around certain topics. These are often signposts pointing to areas where religious conditioning has created unhealthy patterns. Identifying these thoughts is your first step toward changing them—you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.
4. Rediscover And Trust Your Intuition
Remember when you were a kid and had that deep-down knowing about things? That intuition didn’t disappear—it just got buried under layers of “should” and “shouldn’t.” Your inner wisdom has been there all along, patiently waiting for you to reconnect with it. The problem isn’t that you don’t have intuition; it’s that you’ve been taught to distrust it in favor of external authorities.
Start small with rebuilding this connection. When facing a decision, pause and check in with yourself: “What feels right to me?” Not what you’ve been told is right, but what resonates as true for you. It might feel uncomfortable at first, like exercising a muscle that’s been neglected. But with practice, that inner voice becomes stronger and clearer. Your intuition isn’t in opposition to genuine faith—many spiritual traditions actually view it as the divine speaking through you.
5. Break Free From All-or-Nothing Religious Thinking
The world isn’t nearly as black and white as many religious systems would have you believe. When you’ve been taught that there’s only one right way to think, believe, and live, it creates a mental prison where everything falls into neat categories of completely good or entirely evil. This kind of thinking doesn’t just limit your spiritual growth—it warps how you see everything in life.
Learning to embrace the gray areas isn’t about abandoning morality; it’s about developing a more mature understanding of how complex life actually is. Start challenging those absolute statements in your mind: “Is it really true that all people who believe differently are wrong?” or “Can something be imperfect and still be valuable?” As you practice holding space for nuance and complexity, you’ll find yourself becoming more compassionate—both with others and yourself. This more flexible thinking creates room for authentic faith to flourish.
6. Set Healthy Boundaries With Religious Communities
You don’t have to choose between total immersion and complete separation from your religious community. Healthy boundaries allow you to engage on your own terms while protecting your emotional and spiritual well-being. This might mean limiting your attendance at certain events, changing how you participate, or being selective about which teachings you internalize.
Pay attention to how you feel before, during, and after interactions with religious communities or individuals. Anxiety, dread, or feeling emotionally drained are signs that stronger boundaries might be needed. Remember that setting boundaries isn’t selfish or unfaithful—it’s actually an act of honesty that can lead to more authentic relationships. You deserve to participate in community without sacrificing your integrity or mental health.
7. Realize That Questioning Is A Healthy Part Of Faith
The strongest faith isn’t blind faith—it’s one that has weathered honest questions and emerged deeper. According to Good Faith Media, many religious traditions actually honor questioning as a sacred practice, even though controlling religious systems often discourage it. Your doubts don’t make you unfaithful; they’re actually evidence that you’re engaging authentically with your beliefs.
Look at the central figures in most major religions—they were questioners and challengers of the status quo. Jesus asked questions constantly. Buddha left conventional religion to find his own path. The Jewish tradition values wrestling with difficult texts. When you ask hard questions about your faith, you’re not abandoning it; you’re participating in a long, honorable tradition of seekers who refused to settle for superficial answers. The most unshakable faith is the one you’ve thoroughly examined.
8. Work Through The Grief Of Leaving Your Religious Community
That deep sense of loss you feel isn’t just in your head. When you step away from or transform your relationship with a religious community, you’re grieving real losses—friendships, identity, certainty, and a sense of belonging. Many people don’t acknowledge this grief because they’re focused on the positive aspects of their new freedom.
Give yourself permission to mourn what you’ve lost, even if you know leaving was the right decision. You might cycle through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—sometimes all in the same day. This grief doesn’t mean you should go back; it just means what you had mattered to you. Finding others who understand this specific kind of loss can be incredibly healing. Remember that grief isn’t linear, and there’s no timeline for when you should be “over it.”
9. Develop Your Personal Connection With Spirituality
The most meaningful spiritual path is one you forge yourself, drawing from wisdom that genuinely resonates with you. After years of following someone else’s formula for connecting with the divine, creating your own approach can feel both liberating and terrifying. You don’t need intermediaries or complex systems to access spirituality—the connection is available directly to you.
Start exploring different practices with an open mind, keeping what works and leaving the rest. Maybe silent meditation feels empty to you but walking in nature feels profoundly spiritual. Perhaps certain prayers from your tradition still resonate while others don’t. Trust yourself to recognize the truth when you encounter it. Your personal spirituality might end up looking eclectic, pulling from various traditions or focusing on direct experience rather than doctrine—and that’s completely valid.
10. Create Personal Rituals That Feed Your Soul
Rituals aren’t just empty routines—they’re powerful tools for connecting with yourself and something larger. The problem with many religious rituals is that they weren’t designed specifically for you and your unique spiritual needs. When you create practices that actually resonate with who you are, they can transform from obligatory performances into genuine sources of meaning.
Experiment with different ways of marking important moments or connecting with what’s sacred to you. Maybe that’s lighting a candle and setting intentions each morning, taking mindful walks where you express gratitude, or creating your own meaningful celebrations of seasons or milestones. The most powerful rituals often combine physical actions with intentional meaning—giving your body and mind ways to participate in your spiritual journey. Don’t worry about whether your rituals look “official” enough; what matters is that they create a genuine connection for you.
11. Manage Family Relationships During Your Faith Transition
Your changing beliefs don’t exist in isolation—they ripple through your relationships, especially with family members who might not understand your journey. These relationships can become particularly complicated when family gatherings center around religious activities or when relatives feel your changing views somehow threaten their own faith. You’re not responsible for managing their emotions, but you can approach these situations thoughtfully.
Focus on what you still share in common rather than emphasizing differences. Set boundaries around religious discussions if they consistently turn contentious. Remember that you can participate in certain traditions as a way of honoring your family’s culture without compromising your integrity. Sometimes the most loving approach is to be present without debating or trying to convince others. Give family members time—many people who initially react with confusion or disapproval eventually come to respect your authentic path.
12. Let Go Of The Fear That God Will Punish Your Questions
That persistent fear that you’ll be punished for questioning or changing your beliefs? It’s one of the most common and insidious forms of religious conditioning. If you were taught that God is constantly monitoring your thoughts for signs of doubt or disobedience, it’s natural to feel anxious as you explore new spiritual territory. But ask yourself: Would a loving divine presence really punish honest seeking?
Consider that many spiritual traditions describe the divine as infinitely more compassionate and understanding than humans. If even good parents can understand their children’s need to question and grow, wouldn’t a divine parent understand even more deeply? The fear of divine punishment often says more about human control mechanisms than about the nature of the divine. As you gradually release this fear, notice how much more freely you can explore your authentic spirituality without the constant background anxiety of getting it wrong.
13. Find A Supportive Community That Respects Your Spiritual Journey
You don’t have to walk this path alone. Though it might sometimes feel like you’re the only one questioning or reconstructing your faith, countless others are on similar journeys. Finding people who understand your experience—without trying to pull you back into old patterns or push you toward new dogmas—can make all the difference in sustaining your growth.
Look for communities where questions are welcomed, diversity of thought is valued, and people speak from personal experience rather than imposed doctrine. These might be formal groups specifically designed for faith transitions, online forums, book clubs exploring spiritual topics, or simply friends who share your values of authenticity and growth. The right community won’t demand conformity but will offer support as you find your own way. They’ll celebrate your insights and hold space for your struggles without trying to “fix” you with easy answers.
14. Honor Your Religious Past While Building A Healthier Future
Your religious background isn’t something to completely reject or forget—it’s part of your story and has shaped who you are in both challenging and beneficial ways. There’s wisdom and beauty mixed in with the harmful elements, and part of healing is being able to acknowledge both. You can appreciate the community, traditions, or values that nourished you while still recognizing what was damaging.
Try approaching your religious history with curiosity rather than judgment. What lessons or practices still hold meaning for you? What values do you want to carry forward, even if in a transformed way? Some people find they can reinterpret meaningful symbols or stories through a healthier lens. Others incorporate elements of their religious background into a broader spiritual practice. Integrating your past into your present isn’t about minimizing the harm you experienced—it’s about reclaiming your full story and creating continuity in your spiritual journey.
