I Hate Myself For Falling For You

I Hate Myself For Falling For You ©iStock/Anna Gontarek Janicka

If you ask me, crushes are the worst. Sure, they might give you occasional butterflies and even an orgasm or two, but most of the time they just lead to disappointment and heartbreak. That’s why I hate myself for falling for you.

  1. I don’t want a man to control my self-esteem. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep if I don’t receive a text back or giggle like a little girl when you call me beautiful. I hate when my emotions waver, based on how another person treats me. You don’t deserve to have that kind of power over me.
  2. I can take care of myself. I don’t need you to buy me meals or pump my gas for me. I’m capable of handling myself, which is why I hate the thought of letting you take care of me. It goes against everything I stand for.
  3. I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m the cynic who makes fun of the hopeless romantics. That’s why it’s so frustrating when I fall for someone and end up doing all the things I make fun of my friends for doing. I don’t want to be the girl who’s obsessed with a boy, but I can’t help myself.
  4. I can do better than you. For some reason, I always fall for the men I’m better off without. Since I know I deserve someone who treats me like the goddess I am, why did I have to fall for you? My heart and my brain never seem to match up.
  5. Love shouldn’t be my main priority. And it’s not. At least, not until I fall for someone new. Every time I do, boys become the only thing I think about.
  6. I love myself enough for the both of us. I don’t need your love in order to feel sexy and empowered, so why am I so crazy about you? I don’t need you in my life, but for some reason, I can’t get the idea of us out of my head. It’s driving me mad.
  7. I don’t need a man to be happy. I have my dream job, my dream house, and my dream dog. Long story short, I don’t need you. But for some reason, I still want you.
  8. I don’t want to get my heart broken. But that’s what’s going to happen if I keep daydreaming about marrying you and fantasizing about sleeping with you. You’ll either reject me now or break up with me in the future, and that’s heartbreak that I’m not ready to handle.
  9. I like being single. That’s not something I say to sound more mature than I actually am. I enjoy drinking my coffee alone in the morning and reading myself to sleep at night. That’s why I hate the fact that I want you to become my boyfriend, because I’ll have to kiss my single life goodbye.
  10. Crushes make life more complicated. Now that I like you, I’m going to waste time analyzing your texts and prepping for our dates when I could be doing paperwork and vying for a promotion. You’re ruining everything, and I hate you for it as much as I hate myself for it.
Holly Riordan is a writer from Long Island, New York who has authored several science fiction and horror books. A graduate of Stony Brook University, she has spent nearly a decade writing for publications including Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Teen Vogue, and more. You can find her on Instagram @hollyrio and Twitter @hollyyrio.