I Love Wearing Lingerie But My Boyfriend Thinks It’s Objectifying

My boyfriend and I get along really well in and out of the bedroom… except for one thing: he hates when I wear lingerie. Even though I know his feelings come from a good place, I have a hard time accepting them. Here’s why his dislike of lingerie bothers me so much.

  1. A male feminist would totally support his girlfriend wearing whatever she wants. Any guy I date needs to respect my desires and my right to dress how I please. He has no obligation to like all of my choices, but he is in absolutely no position to make me feel “wrong” or misguided about what I wear. If my boyfriend was a real feminist, he’d accept that my reasons for loving lingerie are entirely my own and that he should stay out of it.
  2. He gets uncomfortable when I wear it in bed. Sometimes when I want to feel sexy, I’ll wear lingerie to bed, and every time I do, he gets weird about it. At this point he knows better than to mention it on the spot when we’re about to have sex, but I can see that it makes him feel a little off and it never fails to spoil the mood
  3. Our sex life is great otherwise. Despite what it sounds like, we have always had great sex. It was one of the first things we discovered that made us compatible. And most of the sex we have is so passionate and spur of the moment that I don’t have time to plan for it and put lingerie on ahead of time anyway, so it took a while for me to make the discovery about how strange his views were about it.
  4. I think it’s weird he doesn’t find it attractive. I mean, what straight guy doesn’t think a woman in lingerie is sexy? When I discovered how my boyfriend felt about it, I thought it was a joke. Then I thought he just had a different taste in lingerie. Then I realized he was just the one guy on the planet who would prefer his partner not to wear it at all.
  5. It makes me feel rejected. It’s really hard to go through the hassle of clipping in garter belts and lacing up corsets only to be met with a slightly uncomfortable silence from your partner. The first few times this happened, I immediately thought it was my fault, and even though I know now that it’s completely my boyfriend’s issue and has nothing to do with my attractiveness, it still feels like I’m the one being judged.
  6. He thinks I’m brainwashed by a sexist society. When we sat down to have a conversation about his views, he was just as annoyed as I was. He seemed to think that my feminism was being directly contradicted by my love of lingerie, and that I was the victim of a misogynistic society. As far as I’m concerned, my feminism allows me to wear whatever the hell I want.
  7. I think he’s sexually repressed. The thing that irritates me the most about the whole situation is that I’m convinced he does think lingerie is sexy but has forced himself to ignore his desire because of some misplaced feminist intentions. I wish he’d understand that I feel sexy in lingerie and not at all objectified and that both our lives would be a lot easier if he simply let his guard down and allowed himself to be turned on by it.
  8. It’s such a petty thing to get upset about. Every time we have an argument about it, I always come away feeling angry at how insignificant lingerie should be in a couple’s sex life. It’s there to spice things up–make the person wearing it feel powerful and confident. But in the end, it’s just an accessory. Having lingerie be the most divisive part of your relationship is totally ridiculous, and I hate that it’s the one thing that drives us apart.
  9. How can a guy think he knows more about sexism than I do? I love having a feminist boyfriend. Every woman should be dating a feminist. But to accuse my clothing choices of being the result of misogyny seems like the definition of hypocrisy. I know what I feel good wearing, and no guy can tell me I’m undermining female empowerment and portraying women as objects. I know way more about misogyny than any man ever will.
  10. I hate feeling like I have to scale back my sexuality around him. We have a great sex life, but I still can’t help but feel that one of the things that help me express my sexuality is off limits with him. I don’t need to wear lingerie to have fulfilling sex, but having it be actively discouraged by my partner makes me feel like my sexual desires aren’t important to him.
Rose Nolan is a writer and editor from Austin, TX who focuses on all things female and fabulous. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Theater from the University of Surrey and a Master's Degree in Law from the University of Law. She’s been writing professional since 2015 and, in addition to her work for Bolde, she’s also written for Ranker and Mashed. She's published articles on topics ranging from travel, higher education, women's lifestyle, law, food, celebrities, and more.