1. One Day I Woke Up From The Fog Of Narcissistic Abuse
Part of the “As Told to Star Candy” series. Have a story to share? Contact [email protected]
Meet Danielle, 40. She shares how years of minimizing and excusing her husband’s toxic behavior kept her locked in a self-imposed prison.
“I spent years making excuses for him. If he ignored me, I told myself he was tired. If he insulted me, I convinced myself I was being too sensitive. Over time, I stopped trusting my gut and started believing his version of reality—that I was the problem. That I was lucky he stayed. It wasn’t until I found myself constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of how he’d twist everything and the blowout that would follow, that I realized something was deeply wrong.
“Breaking free wasn’t a dramatic exit—it was slow and messy. It took therapy, support from friends, and a lot of unlearning. I had to retrain myself to believe my feelings were valid, that I deserved more than emotional manipulation wrapped in faux affection. Leaving him wasn’t just about ending a marriage—it was about ending a cycle of silence and self-abandonment.”—Danielle Moore, Philadelphia.
Continue reading about what narcissistic abuse looks like and how to heal >>
2. Being Called ‘Too Sensitive’ For Speaking Up
Every reaction gets minimized. Every emotional response gets twisted into an overreaction. “You’re too sensitive.” “You can’t take a joke.” “Why are you always so emotional?” These phrases don’t just sting—they chip away at someone’s ability to advocate for themselves. The message is clear: the problem isn’t the disrespect. It’s how it made them feel. As noted by Healthline, dismissive phrases like “you’re too sensitive” are commonly used to downplay someone’s feelings, making them less likely to express discomfort and more likely to internalize blame.
This kind of emotional invalidation keeps people small. It makes them question whether they’re allowed to have feelings at all. And when every attempt to set a boundary is met with ridicule, silence starts to feel safer than speaking. But feelings are never the problem. They’re the signal. And being labeled “too sensitive” is often just another way to avoid accountability.
3. Feeling More Like A Personal Assistant, Not A Partner
Love gets replaced by logistics. The emotional connection fades, and what’s left is task management. The mental load becomes one-sided—handling appointments, remembering birthdays, keeping the household functioning. Meanwhile, the narcissistic partner continues to expect praise for doing the bare minimum or, worse, contributes nothing at all. According to Choosing Therapy, many partners of narcissists report feeling more like caretakers or assistants, overwhelmed by an unbalanced emotional load that gradually replaces intimacy with resentment.
When someone feels more like a service provider than a significant other, resentment builds quietly. But expressing that resentment feels dangerous—because it threatens the illusion that everything is fine. Over time, the relationship stops feeling mutual and starts to feel like employment. But partnerships aren’t supposed to come with job descriptions. Emotional labor counts, and so does the absence of it.
4. Making Excuses For Public Disrespect Because “He’s Just Like That”
He mocks her in front of friends. Interrupts her mid-sentence. Makes backhanded comments disguised as jokes. And every time it happens, there’s a quiet rush to explain it away. “He doesn’t mean it.” “He’s just being funny.” “That’s just how he is.” These excuses don’t protect the relationship—they preserve the dysfunction. As highlighted by Verywell Mind, minimizing or excusing public humiliation is a key sign of narcissistic abuse, and often a tactic that masks more harmful behavior behind closed doors.
Normalizing disrespect is one of the most damaging forms of silence. It teaches everyone—including the person experiencing it—that being humiliated is just part of the deal. But it’s not. Public disrespect isn’t personality—it’s a lack of empathy. And every time it’s excused, it becomes easier for the behavior to escalate. What’s tolerated in front of others usually hides something far worse behind closed doors.
5. Being Emotionally Starved Unless He Wants Something
Affection isn’t consistent. Kindness isn’t unconditional. It only appears when there’s something to gain—when he wants intimacy, attention, or forgiveness. Emotional connection becomes currency. And the rest of the time? Indifference. Coldness. Silence. Love starts to feel like a reward for compliance, not a foundation of the relationship.
This kind of emotional starvation isn’t always obvious. It’s masked by occasional sweetness, hollow apologies, or grand gestures that don’t lead to change. But over time, the imbalance becomes undeniable. Feeling worthy shouldn’t depend on whether someone’s in the mood to treat their partner well. Love isn’t supposed to feel like a transaction. And withholding it isn’t a flaw—it’s a form of control.
6. Telling Themselves It’s Not That Bad Because There’s No Physical Abuse
There are no bruises. No police reports. No visible signs. So it must not be abuse—just a rough patch. That’s the lie so many people in toxic marriages are told and then tell themselves. But emotional abuse doesn’t leave marks on skin. It leaves marks on identity, on self-worth, on the nervous system. And just because it doesn’t look like a crisis doesn’t mean it isn’t a slow erosion of safety and self.
Minimizing emotional abuse keeps people trapped. It allows the cycle to continue unchecked. But pain doesn’t need to be visible to be real. If someone feels constantly dismissed, diminished, or degraded, that’s enough. Emotional abuse is just as valid—and just as damaging—as any other kind. And recognizing it is the first step toward recovery.
7. Deleting Texts From Friends Just To Avoid Another Jealous Meltdown
Every message gets read with suspicion. Every friend becomes a threat. Over time, it’s easier to delete texts, hide conversations, or stop replying altogether than to deal with the storm that follows. What begins as “I just care about you” quickly turns into surveillance. Trust disappears, and fear takes its place. Jealousy isn’t love—it’s control.
This kind of emotional micromanagement isolates people from their own lives. Friendships fade. Independence shrinks. And the world becomes smaller, not because of preference, but because of pressure. Deleting texts isn’t about guilt—it’s about survival. But real love doesn’t require disappearing acts or constant explanations. It allows space for outside connection, not punishment for it.
8. Being Isolated From Friends Or Family Who Might ‘Interfere’
It starts subtly. A raised eyebrow when a best friend is mentioned. A passive-aggressive comment about a sibling. Then it grows into guilt trips, silent treatment, or outright arguments every time time is spent away from the relationship. Narcissists don’t just want attention—they want exclusivity. And anyone who threatens their control, especially people who might encourage independence, becomes a target.
This isolation often doesn’t look like forced distance—it looks like manipulation masked as concern. But slowly, the social circle narrows. Support systems weaken. And the person inside the relationship becomes more dependent on the very person creating the problem. It’s not about love. It’s about control through loneliness. And recognizing the pattern is the first step toward breaking it.
9. Being Love-Bombed After Every Emotional Blowup
After every cruel word, icy silence, or emotional explosion, there’s a warm wave of apologies. Grand gestures. Unexpected gifts. Passionate reassurances. This cycle of abuse and affection is called love bombing—and it’s what keeps people hooked in toxic dynamics. The lows are devastating, but the highs feel euphoric. And that emotional whiplash becomes a trap.
It’s easy to confuse love bombing with genuine remorse. But real accountability doesn’t come with flowers and flattery—it comes with changed behavior. Narcissists use love bombing to reset the cycle, to disorient, to make the abused person doubt their pain. But apologies without change are just manipulation dressed up in romance. And those highs? They’re not love. They’re bait.
10. Getting Criticized For Things He Praised Her For In The Beginning
At first, the independence was sexy. The outspokenness was refreshing. The style was “so confident.” But over time, those same qualities became ammunition. Now the independence is threatening, the voice is “too much,” and the outfit is “attention-seeking.” What was once celebrated becomes condemned—and the shift is subtle enough to make someone question whether they’re the problem.
This reversal is a classic narcissistic move: idealize, then devalue. It keeps the power dynamic fluid and confusing. One day, someone’s being admired. The next, they’re being undermined. And in trying to return to that initial praise, they often shrink themselves, hoping to win back favor. But there’s no version of the self that will ever be enough for someone who needs control to feel secure.
11. Knowing He Cheats Emotionally (Or Physically) And Feeling Powerless To Confront It
The signs are there. The secrecy. The flirty texts. The emotional intimacy with someone else that no longer exists at home. Maybe even confirmed affairs. But every time the subject comes up, it’s turned around. Deflection. Accusations. Gaslighting. And after a while, silence feels safer than confrontation. It’s not denial—it’s survival mode, activated by a fear of emotional retaliation.
Being cheated on isn’t just about betrayal. It’s about being made to feel crazy for noticing. And when the relationship dynamic is already rooted in manipulation, confronting infidelity feels impossible. But someone else’s disloyalty isn’t a reflection of personal worth—it’s a reflection of their own disregard for respect and commitment. And staying silent doesn’t protect the relationship—it prolongs the harm.
12. Watching Him Post About ‘What A Great Husband He Is’ While Falling Apart Behind Closed Doors
The world sees curated smiles. Anniversary tributes. Hashtags about loyalty, love, and “ride or die.” Meanwhile, at home, communication is cold, intimacy is nonexistent, and emotional neglect is the norm. Narcissists thrive on image management. The relationship looks perfect from the outside, and that illusion becomes a trap. No one believes anything’s wrong—because online, everything is “beautiful.”
This performance adds another layer of isolation. It’s hard to ask for help when everyone assumes life is picture-perfect. It’s hard to tell the truth when the lie is so convincing. But a social media post isn’t proof of love. It’s proof of control over perception. And no one should have to perform a happy marriage while privately falling apart. Real love doesn’t need a filter—it just needs to be safe, seen, and mutual.
