I Thought I Was Over Him—Then I Saw Him Again

After I broke up with my ex, I spent a lot of time working on myself and my life and finally, I got to a good place again. I thought I was over him, but I realized that wasn’t quite true when I actually saw him again.

I cut ties with him after we broke up.

If I ever wanted to get over him, he couldn’t stay in my life. He wanted to be friends, but I knew I’d always want to be more. I needed to do what was best for me so I shut him out. I deleted him on social media, erased his phone number, and cut all physical contact with him despite the fact that we had mutual friends. I didn’t want to hear about him or see him. Doing all of that was how I got over him… or at least I thought I had.

Seeing him again brought back all of my trust issues.

He was supposed to be the person I could trust above all and look where that left me. I was alone and single once again. I was finally learning how to trust someone enough to be vulnerable again but running into my ex was just a reminder of everything I had to lose. I realized that if I let someone in, they might hurt me just like he did.

It felt like I was back to square one.

I’d spent so much time trying to forget that our relationship had ever even happened. I was moving on with my own life because I finally realized that I deserved better. I wish that seeing my ex again would have reaffirmed the fact that he was horrible to me, but when I looked in his eyes, all I could remember were the good times. All the progress I’d made since our breakup just washed away.

I wanted to be able to forgive him.

I thought I had forgiven him. Despite everything he put me through, I honestly thought that I wished him the best, but running into him was a reality check. I didn’t want him to move on and be happy with someone else. The thought of him loving another woman the way he was supposed to love me was still devastating. I wanted him to know what it was like to be in my shoes. I thought he had my forgiveness, but the truth was that I still wanted him to feel my pain.

I wish I could erase him from my memories.

It took me a long time to forget him, or at least to stop thinking about him every second of every day. Over time, I thought of him less and less. I stopped being reminded of him by everything I saw and everywhere I went, but since seeing him again, he’s all I can think of again. All the memories of loving him and the pain of losing him have flooded back in full force. I thought I put the past in the past, but once again, my mind is playing our love story turned tragedy on a constant loop.

I’m afraid to love him again.

I’m not sure if he does, but what if he feels something too? What if he had the same reaction to seeing me again? I know our whole relationship changed me and I’m guessing it changed him too, but reopening that book is a dangerous game. Fool me once, shame on him; fool me twice and my heartbreak would be my own fault. Maybe he’s a different person now. Maybe he’s a better man. Either way, I’m terrified to have feelings for him again.

I don’t want to get back together.

To be honest, I’m conflicted. When he walked through that door, my heart skipped a beat. My heart wanted him back but my head knew better and said no right away. My heart was charmed by his smile but my head remembered how he broke me. I know it’s in my best interest to never ever get back together; I just wish my heart agreed.

I need to take a real look at my self-worth.

I’m disgusted by the fact that a man who treated me so poorly could still hold a place in my heart. I would’ve liked to have seen him again and felt completely indifferent. I would like to not have cared how he looked or if his life was going well. I would’ve liked for my heart to realize that I deserve better and to never give him another thought. What does that say about my sense of self-worth that a man who made me feel like I was nothing still means something to me?

I just want to be 100% over him.

I don’t want any percentage of lingering feelings. Realizing that I still have some sort of leftover love for him was just devastating. It made me feel like I’ll never be happy with anyone else. I could try to move on, but every time I see him again, will I just forget my new life and want my old one back? I thought I could start letting a new man in, but how can I if my ex is still occupying my heart?

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