I Wait 12 Weeks Until I Sleep With A Guy & It’s A Total Game Changer

I used to be the kind of woman who’d jump into bed with a guy on the first date. There’s nothing wrong with hooking up if that’s what you’re into, but I thought it was a surefire way to get a guy to like me when in reality, it always did the exact opposite. These days, I wait at least three months before getting between the sheets and it’s worked like a charm.

  1. If I give in too soon, they hold it against me. I wish this wasn’t the case, but something clicks in a guy’s mind when the girl they’re dating gives it up too soon (whatever “too soon” even means) and suddenly, they’re either uninterested or they just lack respect for her. I’ve seen it in action many times. Even though I’ve dated guys long-term after sleeping with them right away, I can’t help but feel like things would be different if I’d just waited a little bit longer to put out.
  2. It gives him time to fall in love with me. One of the great things about waiting 12 weeks is that I give the guy plenty of time to fall for the real me, not the me that gives him sex whenever he wants it. I want to make sure that he’s with me because he loves who I am, not what I give him. It takes guys longer than women to know how they feel about the person they’re dating, so 12 weeks seems like a safe bet here. If we’re still together at that point, especially when sex isn’t on the table, then there’s real potential there.
  3. Sex too soon can make you addicted to each other. It’s actually a scientific fact that women get addicted to the oxytocin released during sex. Men do too, sure, but at a much lower level. This is why we get so crazy when a guy sleeps with us and then doesn’t call us after. He’s probably not that great of a person, but once you have sex with him, he suddenly turns into your purpose for living. I want to know I’m in love with him for the right reasons, not because of an addiction circuit that gets triggered by sex.
  4. Doing it too soon creates false chemistry. As I mentioned above, oxytocin can trick our brains into loving someone who really doesn’t deserve it. This would explain why couples are so in love for the first few months and then things get testy when the sex starts to get boring. By waiting 12 weeks to have sex, I’m assuring that our connection is based on the compatibility of our personalities, not our sexual chemistry. The latter is important too, but it’s not the basis of a healthy, happy long-term relationship.
  5. Guys respect you more when you make them wait. Seriously, ever since I’ve been waiting to put out, guys seem to hold me in much higher regard. They don’t wanna know that any guy can have me, and making them wait kinda makes me like I’m special, a reward they need to earn before they can enjoy.
  6. It actually makes guys feel like you appreciate them. I used to think that guys would get mad if I refused to have sex with them right out of the gate, but guess what? It actually makes them feel appreciated. They usually think it’s pretty cool that I’m not using them for a quick hookup and that I care enough about them to get to know them as people. It really is a win-win. If a guy I’m dating gets annoyed about it, then I know he was only in this to get laid and I can move on. Perfect.
  7. Guys don’t see sex in the same way women do. Guys don’t see having sex having to be part of a relationship. For many guys, sex and love are very much two separate things. The second I stopped seeing sex as the purpose for getting together with a guy, everything changed. I saw myself as being able to offer many things in a relationship, not just sex, and if a guy wasn’t interested in those too, he clearly wasn’t interested in me.
  8. It feels good to be in control. The second you give in and have sex with a guy sooner than you’re comfortable with, you’ll feel like you’ve lost control. You’ll start to feel like you’re under his spell and will do anything you can to not lose him. This is when “crazy girlfriends” are born. Waiting not only saves my sanity, but it gives me this sense of control that makes my relationship feel much more even-keeled.
  9. You get a chance to see guys for who they really are. Sleeping with a guy can tell you a lot about him, sure, but so can not sleeping with him. I’m certainly not advocating using sex as a weapon, but I do think that keeping physical intimacy off the cards for a while can give me some real insight into who he truly is and if he’s someone I can see myself with long-term.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.