1. I Spent Years Desperately Trying to Fit In, But That Made Me Invisible
Part of the “As Told to The Bolde” series. Have a story to share? Contact [email protected]
Meet Melissa, 31—she shares how years of people-pleasing left her invisible and friendless until she embraced who she was.
“I spent years twisting myself into a version of me I thought people wanted. If someone liked sports, I suddenly did. If they were into indie music, I’d pretend to know obscure bands. I laughed at jokes I didn’t find funny, agreed with opinions I didn’t share, and hung out with toxic people I didn’t like. I thought being agreeable made me likable; instead, I was invisible.
People wrote me off as a try-hard, and it was exhausting living so inauthentically that I started to hate myself. So, I stopped being desperate and started being honest. I spoke up when I disagreed, showed my quirky, funny side, and learned through therapy to express my needs, values, and vulnerability. I cut some friends loose, but I started making real ones.” —Melissa Hart, Washington
Continue reading to learn about people-pleasing behavior and how to break free>>
2. They Tried Too Hard To Be ‘Interesting’—Now They Focus On Being Real
There’s a pressure to be impressive when meeting new people—to have cool stories, fascinating hobbies, and opinions that make others take notice. Some people overcompensate by stretching the truth, exaggerating their experiences, or acting more sophisticated than they really are. They feel like if they aren’t interesting enough, people won’t care about them. According to Verywell Mind, focusing on being authentic rather than trying to impress others can lead to more meaningful relationships.
But meaningful friendships don’t form because someone is “impressive.” They form because someone is real. Instead of trying to be the most entertaining person in the room, people who build strong friendships learn to just be themselves. They stop worrying about whether they’re interesting enough and start focusing on whether they feel comfortable being their true selves. When that shift happens, relationships stop feeling like performances and start feeling like home.
3. They Were Everyone’s Cheerleader—But Had No One In Their Corner
Being a supportive, encouraging friend is a great quality—until it turns into a one-sided dynamic where one person is always giving and never receiving. Some people fall into the role of the constant cheerleader, always hyping up their friends, celebrating their wins, and being there for every crisis. But when they need support, suddenly, no one is there for them. According to PsychCentral, one-sided friendships where one person is always giving and never receiving support can be emotionally draining.
Healthy friendships go both ways. People who recognize this imbalance start paying attention to who actually shows up for them. They still support the people they care about, but they no longer pour energy into friendships that only exist when it’s convenient for the other person. Real friends aren’t just there for the highs; they stick around for the lows, too.
4. They Overanalyzed Every Text—Now They Send It And Move On
Spending hours dissecting the meaning behind a short text message or waiting anxiously for a reply can be exhausting. People who struggle with social anxiety or self-doubt often overanalyze everything they say, worrying that one wrong word will ruin a friendship. According to Healthline, overanalyzing text messages can be a sign of anxiety and can negatively impact relationships.
But real friendships don’t operate on that kind of fragile foundation. Instead of obsessing over every message, people with strong social connections send texts without second-guessing themselves. If a friend takes a while to respond, they don’t assume the worst. They trust that real friendships don’t hinge on perfectly worded messages or immediate replies. Over time, they learn to communicate freely without overthinking every interaction.
5. They Said Yes To Plans They Dreaded—Now They Protect Their Energy
Many people say yes to plans they don’t actually want to attend out of fear of seeming rude or being left out. They drag themselves to events they don’t enjoy, socializing out of obligation rather than genuine interest. But forcing interactions drains energy and builds resentment.
People who respect their own time learn to decline invitations without guilt. They prioritize plans that genuinely excite them and stop feeling pressured to be everywhere at once. True friends understand that needing space isn’t a rejection—it’s just self-care.
6. They Tried To Impress People Who Wouldn’t Have Noticed Them Anyway
Some people spend years bending over backward to impress others, hoping for validation from people who don’t even care about them. Whether it’s trying to win over the “cool” crowd or seeking approval from emotionally distant friends, they invest energy in relationships that don’t actually serve them.
With time, they realize that real friendships don’t require constant effort to prove worthiness. The people who truly matter are the ones who accept them as they are—without the need for constant performance. Instead of chasing approval, they start focusing on relationships that feel easy, mutual, and natural.
7. They Let People Talk Over Them—Now They Make Sure They’re Heard
It’s easy to let louder personalities dominate conversations, especially for people who struggle with confidence. Some people get used to being interrupted or ignored, feeling like their words don’t hold weight in a group setting.
But real friendships involve mutual respect. Learning to assert themselves, speak up, and take up space helps them build stronger, healthier relationships. Instead of fading into the background, they ensure their voice is heard and their thoughts are valued.
8. They Thought Avoiding Disagreements Was An Admirable Trait—Now They Stand Their Ground
Avoiding conflict might seem like a way to keep the peace, but in reality, it often leads to resentment. Some people stay silent during disagreements, afraid that voicing their true feelings will drive people away.
But the strongest friendships can withstand difficult conversations. Learning to express disagreements calmly and respectfully allows for deeper trust and understanding. The right friends won’t leave over a disagreement—they’ll appreciate the honesty.
9. They Thought Popularity Meant Friendship—Now They Know Depth Matters More
At one point, having a lot of friends might have seemed like the ultimate goal. But a large social circle doesn’t always mean real connection. Some people chase popularity, only to realize that many of their friendships are shallow.
Instead of collecting acquaintances, they start investing in the people who truly care about them. A few deep, meaningful friendships bring far more happiness than dozens of surface-level connections.
10. They Were Terrified Of Being ‘Too Much’—Now They’d Rather Be Too Much Than Not Enough
For a long time, many people try to shrink themselves to fit into spaces where they feel like they don’t fully belong. They hold back their thoughts, tone down their personalities, and avoid expressing strong emotions because they don’t want to overwhelm others. The fear of being “too much” keeps them stuck in half-hearted friendships where they never feel fully seen.
But at some point, they realize that being “too much” is better than being nothing at all. The right people won’t be exhausted by their energy or put off by their honesty—they’ll appreciate it. Real friendships thrive when both people show up as their full, unfiltered selves, without constantly worrying about taking up too much space. Instead of minimizing who they are, they embrace it, knowing that the right friends will love them for it.
11. They Poured Into One-Sided Friendships—Now They Match Energy
One of the hardest lessons to learn is that effort in friendships should be mutual. Some people spend years chasing after friends who barely acknowledge them, investing all their energy into people who only show up when it’s convenient. They initiate plans, offer emotional support, and go out of their way to maintain connections—only to realize they’re the only ones making an effort.
Eventually, they start matching energy instead of overextending themselves. If someone reaches out, they engage. If someone prioritizes them, they return the favor. And if someone consistently puts in no effort, they stop fighting for a relationship that isn’t there. Instead of begging for scraps of attention, they invest in friendships that feel balanced, mutual, and natural.
12. They Clung To Anyone Who Showed Them A Sliver Of Attention—Now They’re Selective
When someone struggles with loneliness, it’s easy to latch onto anyone who shows them kindness, even if that person isn’t actually a good friend. Some people confuse basic politeness for genuine care, mistaking small gestures for deep connections. As a result, they end up in lopsided friendships where they give far more than they receive.
Over time, they learn that not every friendly face is a real friend. Instead of clinging to anyone who acknowledges them, they become more selective. They seek out friendships based on shared values, mutual respect, and genuine connection—not just the need to feel included. Being selective doesn’t mean being closed off; it means choosing quality over quantity.
13. They Tried To ‘Earn’ Friendships—Now They Only Keep The Ones That Feel Right
Some people believe that friendships must be “earned” through effort, generosity, or proving their worth. They go out of their way to make themselves indispensable, hoping that their kindness will make people like them. But real friendships don’t require constant work to maintain—they happen naturally.
Once they stop trying to earn friendships, they find that the best ones develop effortlessly. Instead of bending over backward to be liked, they focus on being themselves. They stop forcing connections that don’t feel right and instead invest in the people who make friendship feel easy, safe, and fulfilling.
