It doesn’t always start with yelling or bruises. Sometimes, it begins with subtle control—disguised as concern. A comment about what you’re wearing. A slow chipping away at your confidence. An apology that feels more like a warning. Emotional abuse is insidious, quiet, and often invisible to everyone but the person living inside it.
For many women, these relationships don’t feel dangerous at first—they feel intense, intoxicating, even romantic. But over time, love turns into fear, and the person you trusted most becomes the one who makes you question your sanity. The scars may not show, but the damage runs deep. Emotional abuse doesn’t just break your heart—it unravels your sense of self. And make no mistake: its impact can be just as devastating as physical violence as one reader shares.
Part of the “As Told to Star Candy” series. Have a story to share? Contact [email protected]
1. “Inside My Daily Hell Of Emotional Abuse.”
Meet Kelly, 32. She shared that she felt trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship that destroyed her sense of self.
“I didn’t realize it was abuse at first. He never hit me, never left a bruise. Instead, his words cut deeper than any physical blow. He’d tear me down over everything—my clothes, friends, family, dreams, and thoughts. One minute, he’d shower me with love; the next, he’d make me feel worthless. I walked on eggshells, too scared to provoke his unpredictable moods.
It took seeing my reflection one day—tired, anxious, and hollow—to realize I was broken. I reached out to a friend and admitted what I’d been hiding. Overcoming the shame was the first step. Leaving wasn’t easy—he begged, threatened, promised to change—but I knew if I stayed, I’d end up in a psych ward.”—Kelly Rivera, Los Angeles.
Continue reading about what emotional abuse looks like and how to recover >>
2. You Start Walking On Eggshells Without Realizing
Remember when you used to walk into a room without mentally preparing first? Now, you’re constantly monitoring your tone, your facial expressions, and even the way you place your coffee mug down. You analyze every word before it leaves your mouth, trying to predict what might trigger them today.
This hypervigilance didn’t happen overnight. It crept in slowly, with each unpredictable outburst teaching you to be more careful, and according to Verywell Mind, it created a cycle of mistreatment. The worst part isn’t even the exhaustion of this constant self-monitoring—it’s that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to move through your own home without fear.
3. You Start Avoiding Friends And Family
You used to have weekend plans, group chats that never stopped buzzing, and regular calls with family. But somewhere along the way, those connections faded into occasional texts you’re too drained to answer. Maybe they stopped inviting you after too many last-minute cancellations, or maybe you pulled away first, tired of explaining away the tension in your voice.
Look around and notice who’s still in your life now. The isolation didn’t happen by accident, as Calm points out—it’s a slow, deliberate process that leaves you with fewer outside perspectives and more dependence on the person hurting you. Your world has shrunk to a size that makes leaving seem impossible.
4. Your Stomach Drops Whenever Your Phone Buzzes
That sick feeling of dread washing over you when a notification appears—it’s become so normal you barely question it anymore. Instead of excitement about who might be reaching out, your first thought is: “What did I do wrong this time?” Your heart races as you scramble to reply quickly enough to avoid accusations of ignoring them.
This isn’t normal, though it’s become your normal. When was the last time you looked at your phone without anxiety? Communication is supposed to connect people, not fill you with fear. That knot in your stomach is your body trying to tell you something your mind isn’t ready to hear.
5. You Start Hiding Parts Of Yourself
Remember your laugh that used to fill a room? Your passion for that hobby that “takes up too much space”? Your opinions that were once shared freely? These pieces of yourself have been gradually tucked away, deemed too loud, too much, too annoying, too anything. You’ve learned to make yourself smaller in the most heartbreaking ways.
The dimming of your light didn’t happen all at once. It was a slow process of criticism and subtle disapproval until you began censoring yourself before they even had the chance to. The person you see in the mirror now is a muted version of who you once were, carefully edited to avoid conflict.
6. You Stop Sharing Anything About Your Life
Getting a promotion, finishing a creative project, or reconnecting with an old friend—these moments that should be celebrated become secrets you keep to yourself.
This protective instinct develops after having one too many happy moments deflated. You start to treasure your small victories by keeping them private, safe from being diminished or used against you later. But happiness wasn’t designed to be experienced alone, and this isolation of joy only deepens your loneliness.
7. You No Longer Talk, You Just Apologize
“I’m sorry” has become your automatic response to tension in the room, even when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You apologize for needing space, for having emotions, for asking questions, for existing in ways that somehow inconvenience them. Your apologies flow freely while theirs are nowhere to be found.
According to the One Love Foundation, this reflex stems from a desperate desire to keep the peace at any cost. You’ve been conditioned to take responsibility for every negative emotion they experience, every misunderstanding, every conflict. The weight of carrying blame that isn’t yours is exhausting, but it feels safer than challenging their distorted version of events.
8. Your Family Ask Questions You’re Too Ashamed To Answer
“Why haven’t we seen you lately?” “Are you really happy?” “What happened to the old you?” These questions from people who truly care become impossible to address without unraveling a truth you’re not ready to face. You find yourself crafting vague responses and changing the subject, hating yourself for the lies.
Each dodged question builds a wall between you and the people who could actually help. You might tell yourself you’re protecting your relationship or your privacy, but deep down, you know you’re protecting a reality that’s becoming harder to defend. Those concerned looks from friends and family aren’t judgment—they’re lifelines you’re afraid to grab.
9. You Can’t Remember The Last Time You Made A Decision Without Fear
Choosing a restaurant, making weekend plans, buying new clothes—decisions that should be simple now come with an exhausting mental calculus. You weigh every option against potential reactions, trying to predict which choice will cause the least friction. Even the smallest decisions feel like navigating a minefield.
This constant fear of making the “wrong” choice has rewired your brain. You’ve lost touch with your own preferences because everything is filtered through the lens of their potential response. Freedom doesn’t just mean being able to leave—it also means reclaiming your right to make choices based on what you actually want.
10. Your Day Revolves Around Preventing The Next Explosion
You’ve become a meteorologist of moods, constantly checking for signs of brewing storms. You enter rooms carefully, gauging the emotional temperature before you fully commit to stepping inside. Your morning routine isn’t just about preparing yourself for the day—it’s about preparing for their emotional needs, and their potential triggers.
This invisible emotional labor drains you more than any physical work ever could. You’ve become so skilled at anticipating their needs that you barely notice how completely your own emotional well-being has been sidelined. Your entire day is organized around preventing explosions that you’ve been convinced are your fault.
11. Your Inner Voice Gets Quieter Each Day
That voice inside you that used to speak up when something felt wrong? It’s barely a whisper now. You used to trust your instincts, feelings, and perception of reality. But after being told repeatedly that you’re overreacting, that you remember things wrong, that you’re too sensitive, you’ve started to doubt even your clearest thoughts.
This weakening of self-trust is perhaps the most devastating effect of emotional abuse. When you can no longer rely on your own inner compass, every decision becomes paralyzing. The path back to yourself begins with recognizing that your doubts were planted by someone else and that your instincts have been right all along.
12. You Rehearse Simple Conversations Hours Before Having Them
“Can we talk about our plans this weekend?” becomes a script you practice dozens of times in your head. You strategize different approaches, prepare for various reactions, and brace yourself for conflict that shouldn’t exist in a healthy relationship. Simple requests require diplomatic precision that would impress international negotiators.
This mental rehearsal isn’t just about finding the right words—it’s about timing, tone, facial expression, and having counter-arguments ready for the inevitable pushback. The exhaustion of these mental gymnastics leaves little energy for anything else in your life. Healthy communication doesn’t require this level of preparation and fear.
13. You No Longer Feel Your Worth Anything
Landing that promotion, finishing your degree, hitting a personal goal—moments that should be celebrated are instead met with subtle undermining. “Anyone could have done that,” or “It’s not that impressive,” or the backhanded “I’m surprised you managed that.” Your pride deflates as quickly as it appears.
This consistent devaluing serves a purpose: keeping you from recognizing your own strength and capabilities. With each accomplishment dismissed, your confidence in your ability to succeed independently diminishes. Remember that your achievements are still achievements, even when someone else tries to dim their light.
14. You Swing Between Disbelief, Confusion, And Rage
“That never happened.” “I never said that.” “You’re remembering it wrong.” These phrases become so common that you start questioning your own memories and perceptions. You find yourself wishing you had recorded conversations just to confirm you’re not losing your mind.
This deliberate distortion of reality—gaslighting—is one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse. It targets your fundamental ability to trust yourself and your experiences. The confusion and self-doubt it creates make it nearly impossible to identify what’s happening, let alone address it. Your reality is valid, even when someone tries to rewrite it.
