If He Has A Girlfriend, Why Does He Want Me?

It’s flattering when a guy takes a romantic interest in you, of course. It’s nice to feel wanted, and knowing he’s attracted to you gives your confidence a real boost. However, it takes the shine off when you discover he’s already in a relationship. If he already has a girlfriend, why does he want you? Turns out, there are a few different reasons for this. Read on to find out more as well as to get advice on how to handle it.

Signs a guy in a relationship is into you

  1. He moves away from you or stops talking when his girlfriend is around. He’s full of friendly banter and seems totally comfortable in your presence… until his girlfriend comes around. When she’s on the scene, he suddenly acts like he barely knows you. He keeps his distance to make it clear to his girlfriend that he’s not interested in you at all.
  2. He only texts you during random windows of time and goes AWOL for long stretches. You guys chat via text a lot, but if you look at the pattern of your messages, you notice an odd pattern. He always seems to text you around the same time of day, and there are long periods of time in which you never hear from him. This is likely because that’s when his girlfriend isn’t around. He doesn’t want to get caught texting his crush, does he?
  3. He never talks about his girlfriend around you. You know he has one now, but that’s not down to him. He never talks about her in your presence. When her name is brought up in conversation, he’s quick to change the topic. He has a girlfriend but he doesn’t want you to be put off him romantically because of it. He thinks that the less he talks about her, the more you’ll forget she exists.
  4. He gets jealous when you mention other guys. If you’re actively dating, don’t tell him because he doesn’t want to hear about it. Any time you say something nice about another guy, he gets this sourpuss look on his face and goes all moody. While he should be happy that you’re trying to find someone since he’s coupled up, he has the exact opposite reaction.
  5. He makes jokes about the two of you dating. It’s not really a joke, is it? He likes you on more than a friendly basis but because he’s not single and doesn’t know how you feel about him, he plays it down. Needless to say, where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire.

Why he wants you even though he has a girlfriend

  1. He’s in an open relationship, or at least not an exclusive one. It’s possible that he and his girlfriend are polyamorous or in an open relationship. The likelihood of this being behind his interest in you is slim, however. After all, if it was cool for him to date or sleep with other people, wouldn’t he just say this?
  2. His relationship is dead in the water. He might be in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good one. Maybe they’ve been together for a while now but really shouldn’t be. In all reality, they should have broken up ages ago. That means in his mind, he’s operating as a single man even though he’s technically not. That doesn’t make it right, of course. If he wants to date other women, he should break up with his current one first.
  3. He’s a commitmentphobe with a self-destructive streak. Even though he has a girlfriend, potentially even one he really likes, he can’t help but want you. That’s because things are getting too serious in his relationship and he’s freaking out about it. Instead of committing himself to his girlfriend, he’s doing anything he can to self-sabotage. Being into another woman seems like a good way to put a halt to the progress they’re making.
  4. He’s trying to make his girlfriend jealous or get back at her. If she cheated or developed a crush on someone else, he might want you as a form of revenge. This is completely unfair toward you and her. If he believes he can even the score with his partner by pursuing someone else, he’s not worth dating. For either of you.
  5. You have incredible chemistry that he just can’t ignore. It’s possible that what you share is genuine. If you feel real electricity when you’re together and find yourself drawn to him for reasons you can’t explain, it’s clear his feelings aren’t all one-sided. In this case, it seems like what’s between you is the real deal.

Does he want you or just a distraction?

A definitive answer to this question is hard to come by, especially considering you can’t really know what’s going on in a guy’s head and heart. Is there a possibility that he really has feelings for you that are genuine? Of course. However, it’s just as likely (or perhaps more likely) that his interest isn’t that deep.

The question is whether or not you’re willing to find out. Generally speaking, getting involved with someone who’s already in a relationship is a bad idea. It’s disrespectful to their current partner and undermines your own self-worth. You deserve a partner who’s fully available and in a position to be with you. If he’s not, you’re better off avoiding it altogether. After all, he could get with you and suddenly decide it was fun but he’s not really feeling it after all. Do you want to take that gamble?

What to do when a guy with a girlfriend shows interest

  1. Don’t get involved with him right now. It’s important that you don’t devalue yourself or compromise your standards by getting involved with a guy who’s already taken. No matter how attracted to him you are or how well you think you go together, now’s not the time to pursue it. Make it clear to him that you only date men who are single.
  2. Back all the way off. If you hung out 24/7 and were the best of “friends” prior to learning of his feelings, that needs to change. That’s not to say that you need to stop talking to him completely. However, it would be incredibly disrespectful of you to stay as close to him right now knowing that he’s interested on more than a platonic level. When his relationship status changes, so too can the nature of the relationship.
  3. Keep on living your life as you were. Don’t stop dating other guys or waste time trying to convince this man to dump his girlfriend for you. If he wants you legitimately, he will take steps on his own to do something about it. In the meantime, you have an amazing life to live that you shouldn’t change for anyone. Don’t.
Bolde has been a source of dating and relationship advice for single women around the world since 2014. We combine scientific data, experiential wisdom, and personal anecdotes to provide help and encouragement to those frustrated by the journey to find love.