Opinion: If You Can’t Talk To Him About Sex, You Shouldn’t Be Having It

Sex can be complicated, to say the least, and it only gets more so if you can’t actually talk to each other about it. If you’re not comfortable enough to tell a guy what you want and need under the sheets, maybe he shouldn’t be in your bed…

  1. You don’t know how to be mature. Sex isn’t for the immature. If you’re going to be having it, then you need to be ready for it. If you think of sex as just another game or tool of manipulation then you’re not playing fair. The best way to get what you want on and off the playing field is to grow up, then speak up.
  2. You have low self-esteem. You’re not confident enough to express your wants and needs beneath the sheets, and it takes away from your good time. Women have just as much right to their sexual desires as men do, and telling a guy what you need is sexy, not weak. So let him in on your secret desires and your confidence may just be the thing that keeps him coming back for more.
  3. You’re emotionally confused. Sex vs. relationships. It’s the age-old question—can sex be meaningless? If it’s meaningless then you should have no problem telling your booty call exactly what you need to get your orgasm. If the sex means something and you actually care what he thinks, then what does it say about your relationship if you can’t even open up to him in something as vulnerable as sex?
  4. You don’t trust your partner. If you express yourself, what will happen? Will he think you’re being too forward? Will he think he can’t please you on his own? You don’t trust him to stay if you speak up. So you stay silent and ultimately compromise your own happiness.
  5. You don’t know what you want. You’re not exactly sure how you feel about the man in your bed, or you don’t want to face your true feelings. To him, it’s just sex, but to you it’s a hell of a lot more. The reality is you don’t know how to talk to him in bed or out of it.
  6. You need to improve communication. Is he your boyfriend or just your hookup buddy? If you can’t communicate what you want, then there’s no emotional attachment in your lovemaking. Relationships are all about communication, so if sex is silent, then the so-called “relationship” is totally one-sided.
  7. You care way too much what he thinks. If you say something, you shouldn’t be worried about his judgment. Will he find your coaching sexy? Will he see your dirty talk as promiscuous? Stop letting the men in your life define you. The best way to take away the power of labels is to just be unapologetically you.
  8. You don’t know how to let yourself be happy. Sometimes the only way to get your orgasm is to coach him through it. If you’re not confident enough to tell him what you need, you’re standing in the way of your own pleasure. What you need to realize is that he’s not the only one who deserves a big finish.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.