Being caught in a seemingly endless cycle of arguments with our partner is frustrating, exhausting, and can make you question the entire relationship. But don’t throw in the towel just yet! With some patience and the right approach, you can turn things around. Here are some ways to tackle constant arguing and bring back the peace in your relationship.
1. Take a deep breath and count to ten
Look, I get it. When your partner starts picking another fight, your first instinct might be to fire back. But, according to Psych Central, taking a moment to breathe can work wonders. It’s hitting the pause button on your emotions, giving you a chance to respond rather than react. So next time you feel your blood pressure rising, just take a deep breath and count to ten. You might be surprised at how much clearer you can think afterward.
2. Identify the underlying issues
Constant arguments are usually just symptoms of deeper problems. Maybe your partner feels neglected, you’re stressed about work, or it has something to do with the kids. Whatever it is, take some time to reflect on what’s really bugging you both. Once you pinpoint the root causes, you’ll be in a much better position to address them.
3. Practice active listening
Hear me out: what if instead of planning your rebuttal while your partner is talking, you actually listened to them? I mean really listened. Try to understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. It’s amazing how many arguments can be defused just by making your partner feel heard. Try it.
4. Use “I” statements instead of “You” accusations
This one’s a game-changer. Instead of saying “You always leave your beard hair in the sink,” try “I feel frustrated when I see beard hair in the sink.” See the difference? The first one puts your partner on the defensive, while the second one expresses your feelings without attacking them. According to Psychology Today, it’s a small change that can make a big difference in how your discussions play out.
5. Set aside dedicated time for discussions
If you’re constantly bickering throughout the day, try this: schedule a specific time to talk things out. It might sound formal, but having a set time means you both come to the conversation prepared and in the right mindset. Plus, it prevents arguments from hijacking your entire day. Think of it as making an appointment with your relationship.
6. Establish fair fighting rules
Agree on some ground rules for arguments. For example: no name-calling, no bringing up divorce unless you mean it, or no walking away without agreeing on when to continue the discussion. Having these rules in place can help keep disagreements from turning into World War III.
7. Take breaks during heated moments
When things get too intense, it’s okay to call a timeout. Say something like, “I need a few minutes to cool down. Can we pause and come back to this?” Then use that time to collect your thoughts and calm your emotions. When you come back together, you can both approach it with clearer heads.
8. Practice empathy
Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. What might they be feeling? What pressures are they under? Understanding their perspective doesn’t mean you have to agree with it, but it can help you approach the situation with more compassion.
9. Focus on solutions, not problems
Instead of rehashing the same old issues, try to brainstorm solutions together. Ask, “How can we fix this?” rather than “Why did you do this?” It shifts the conversation from blame to problem-solving. You’re no longer opponents in an argument, but teammates working towards a common goal.
10. Learn to pick your battles
Though it might feel like it, not every little thing is actually worth arguing about. Ask yourself: “Will this matter in a week? A year?” If the answer is no, then you should probably let it slide. Don’t you want to save your precious energy for the issues that really matter? Besides, sometimes being happy is more important than being right.
11. Avoid bringing up past mistakes
Dragging up old issues does no one any good—it only makes things worse and prevents healing. Try to focus on the current issue at hand. If you find yourself tempted to bring up past stuff, ask yourself if it’s really relevant to the current situation.
12. Create a “safe word” for de-escalation
Choose a word or phrase that either of you can use when things are getting too heated. When someone says it, it means you both have to take a step back and cool off. When you feel things spiraling out of control, you can hit the brakes and reset.
13. Seek professional help
There’s no shame in asking for help. A couples therapist can offer valuable insights and strategies—they can spot areas that need work and give you methods to strengthen your bond. Plus, having a neutral third party can help keep discussions productive and balanced.
14. Express appreciation regularly
All that constant arguing can make us forget the good things about our partner. Make a conscious effort to express gratitude for the positive things they do, no matter how small. Whether it’s picking up after the kids or refilling the soap dispense, the more you nurture the positive aspects of your relationship, the more they’ll grow.
15. Practice patience and persistence
This might be the most important thing to remember. Because changing patterns takes time! You might not see results overnight, and that’s okay. Your only job is to keep at it, celebrate the small wins, and try not to get discouraged by setbacks. It’ll get better over time.
