If You’re Struggling To Find Love, Here’s What You Need To Remember

There’s nothing worse than a dating dry spell. After plenty of failed dates, you may be thinking that it’s you that’s the problem, but that’s likely not true. Unless you’re scaring your dates by talking to them about the future 15 minutes in or you happen to be the messiest eater on the West Coast, chances are you’re just dating a bunch of duds that don’t have chemistry with you. Here’s how to cope.

  1. Remind yourself that you’d rather be single than paired with someone who isn’t your type. It’s true, isn’t it? Would you rather build a future with someone you hate? Or, have the freedom to do whatever you want to do? There are many benefits of being in a relationship, but there’s also a lot of good that comes from being single. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you’re actually in a great place right now.
  2. You might be looking in the wrong place. Think outside the box a little bit. If OkCupid keeps giving you stale choices, try another site. Perhaps look at a site that’s meant just for pet lovers (if you love dogs) or travel partners (if you’re really missing the chance to board an airplane.) There are so many unique dating sites out there that may contain better matches. Just don’t give up.
  3. Ask yourself if you’re self-sabotaging. Usually, people who self-sabotage really aren’t interested in pursuing the next step. They just want to go through the motions to show people they tried. If you’ve found tiny faults with every person you date that’s suddenly a dealbreaker, maybe you’re actually more content being single. Don’t try to date because it’s what your mom wants. Date when you’re fully ready to take on a partner.
  4. Also question as to whether or not you’re in a rut. Do you like yourself? Be honest. We all have things we don’t necessarily love about ourselves, but if you aren’t at least 75% content with who you are as a person, you can’t expect someone else to be. If you think you’re a little dull, pick up a hobby or an interest before dating. If you haven’t bought new clothes for yourselves in five years, pick out a few new tops that’ll make you feel confident. Boost your self-esteem and remind yourself why you’re dateable.
  5. Keep your negativity in check. As a bonus point to the above, it’s important not to be overly negative or self-critical when you’re on a date. Nobody wants to hear about all of your self-doubts when you first meet. If you’re used to talking yourself down, it’s a hard habit to break. Just remember to stay positive and be the type of person you’d love to be on a date with. You may want to practice by thinking up some fun, light conversation starters before the date even begins.
  6. You might meet “the one” in an unlikely place. If you’re truly ready to settle down, it’s time to say yes to events that you may have been too shy to join before. Perhaps a friend is putting on a digital concert through Instagram Live, and you get invited. Your soulmate might be the guy who’s sending charming messages of support. Or, perhaps a group of friends is putting together a Zoom happy hour. Even if you don’t drink, make a point to pop up and say hello.
  7. You may be trying too hard. Don’t overextend yourself to try to be the person you think people want to date, especially if you feel like you’re putting on an act. Be yourself. You’ll be a lot less stressed out if you know that the person you’re with likes you for the real you. If you’re trying out new personality traits, that can be an incredible turn-off to people. Most people are attracted to honesty.
  8. It might be your location. If you live in a very small town, of course you’re going to have trouble meeting people. Especially if the people in your search are the same people you went to elementary school with. I’m not saying you should relocate to find love, but you should consider it if you’re also having issues with finding a job and an area you feel comfortable living in. It doesn’t have to be outside of your state, but it should be a place that has a ton of job opportunities and supports an active social life. Perhaps the overhaul is what you need right now.
Karen Belz is a New Jersey native who is currently living in Maryland. She has a Bachelor’s Degree in Speech Communication with a focus in Broadcasting and Print Media Studies from Millersville University of Pennsylvania. Since graduating, she has written for sites like LittleThings, HelloGiggles, and Scary Mommy and is currently an e-commerce editor at Bustle.

When she's not writing, she enjoys making her phone run out of memory after taking too many photos of her dog. You can find her on Twitter @karenebelz or on Instagram @karenbelz.