I’m A Bitter Single Girl And Kinda Hate That I’ve Become This Way

I used to be the girl who truly believed in love to an almost obnoxious degree. Even when I got knocked down by love, I’d find a way to get myself back up and back out there. However, since my last breakup, I’ve become more and more bitter about relationships and have almost completed my transformation into “bitter single girl.” I don’t like what I’ve become but I don’t know how to change it.

  1. I used to have hope for my future. There was a time when love felt real to me, when every date I went on was full of promise and excitement and I was actually open to a relationship. I miss that old, naive me who believed in true love—nowadays, I can’t help but roll my eyes at it.
  2. I assume the worst in men. I never used to be this way, but lately, I’ve been assuming the absolute worst in men to the point that I assume getting involved with them will ruin my life. I assume every guy is out to screw me over and that I’d be a fool to ever believe a single word they say. It’s definitely all a result of my last breakup, but I’ve been single for so long that I haven’t given myself a chance to trust men again.
  3. I’m no longer happy for my friends who’ve found boyfriends. I used to get a warm feeling in my chest when my friends would gush about their new BFs, picturing myself in their shoes in the near future. As a bitter single girl, though, that warm feeling has been replaced with a nervous cringe in the pit of my stomach like, “Oh crap, I forgot that I don’t have a boyfriend and probably never will.” I’ve allowed my mind to instantly jump to the negative and I hate that.
  4. When a guy tries to hit on me, I assume it’s a joke. I always thought a guy liking me was a joke when I was younger. I just couldn’t believe it was true and now that I’m older, bitter and single, those feelings still remain, stronger than ever. The second I’m NOT in a relationship, I feel instantly unlovable, unwanted and straight up undesirable. I tend to fall into a downward spiral of low self-esteem more quickly than others, so it’s no wonder I’ve managed to end up like this.
  5. I see myself as damaged goods. When you’re single for as long as I’ve been, it’s easy to start seeing yourself as lesser than and even unfit to date. I’ve tipped my scale almost completely into negativity where I assume that no one would want to date me and when someone expresses interest, it comes as this huge surprise and I don’t know what to do about it.
  6. When my friends get engaged, I immediately get worried they’re making a huge mistake. I don’t have the typical reaction of joy and excitement when a friend gets engaged. My first thought is, “Oh no, they’re gonna regret this.” I get anxious and freak out inside but it’s only because would react that way if someone proposed to me at this time in my ever devolving love life.
  7. Being single isn’t even fun anymore. I don’t find singledom to have any benefits anymore. I used to revel in my freedom to do anything I wanted like stay up late, drink with my friends, hookup with whomever…but it’s just getting old now. Now it just feels lonely and I’m getting pretty bitter about it.
  8. My friends have stopped asking me for relationship advice. I used to be the one everyone came to for advice on boyfriend troubles, but now that I’m a bitter single girl, they know to steer clear, lest they face my wrath. Everything that comes out of my mouth pertaining to relationships has a negative twist to it and it’s not what the majority of my friends want to hear (not that I can blame them).
  9. I’ve become picky for no reason. I’ll find ANY possible reason not to date someone. It could be the silliest, most insignificant thing like maybe his hair is too long or his job is boring. I’ll take that ONE thing and make that the sole reason I can’t date him. I’m really sabotaging myself, but I can’t help it—it’s the way I see the world now.
  10. I insult my friends’ BFs as if they’re my responsibility. When a friend comes to me with news about her BF, I’ll find a way to convince her that he’s up to no good or that she shouldn’t trust him. He’s completely innocent, but when you’re bitter like me, every guy I see has trouble written all over him. It really has to stop.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.