I’m A Demanding Friend And I’m Not Sorry

Somewhere along in life, I created a set of expectations for friends. If a friend continuously lets me down by canceling plans or doesn’t meet certain friendship needs, they’re cut out of my life. I don’t have the emotional energy to compromise my standards, whether it be for dates, boyfriends, or friends. While not all of these demands are dealbreakers, they do weigh heavy:

  1. I expect them to keep our plans. I get mad AF when people cancel plans. Justifying their reasons or excuses, particularly when it happens several times over, is unreasonable. Keeping plans means keeping our friendship. Showing up means that they have respect for my time and our relationship. If their life is too busy to keep plans and is instead filled with nothing but good intentions, they’re leeching off of my friendship. It is clear to me that I deserve better. I deserve a loyal, well-balanced confidant and I refuse to believe that’s too much to ask.
  2. If they can’t keep a date, I expect them to not cancel the day of. If canceling needs to happen, I don’t think it’s irrational to ask for a few days notice. Leading up us hanging out, I think about all the things I need to tell my friend and get excited. Often, what I need to share is something I only share with them. I have a unique relationship with each friend and I reserve certain stories for them. Naturally, I’m pumped when that day rolls around, which means canceling is all the more offensive because I prioritized this date. I put effort into planning around it, and possibly even turned down others to keep this meeting.
  3. I expect them to remember I can’t have dairy. As someone who follows a pretty restrictive diet, I don’t expect anyone to remember the long list of foods I avoid, but dairy is a pretty easy one to remember. I can’t count the number of times my friends have thrown a dinner thing and bragged, “We bought ice cream cones!” We’ve been friends for years now—me not eating dairy isn’t new nor is it a “cheat” treat for me. At least warn me so I can bring something for myself. In fairness, they do offer to tell me how delicious it is and I’m not amused… usually.
  4. I expect them to follow through. Saying “let’s do something next week” or “hey, my parents are coming into town and we should all grab dinner so you can meet them” registers in my mind as a definitive plan. If my bestie constantly mentions hanging out but never follows through, their promises are empty and I lose respect for them. In this situation, sticking to your word is something I highly value. Any person who’s flippant about saying “let’s hang out” can GTFO.
  5. I expect them to randomly text me to ask how I’m doing. This demand isn’t hard and fast but it’s important because I do randomly text friends to keep them in my lives. Their texts could be weekly, monthly, bi-annually or whatever. If we’re truly friends, you should be curious about my life beyond Facebook posts and Instagram. Friendships aren’t one-sided. We aren’t friends if they don’t care about my life, plain and simple. A one-liner about how some thing they saw that reminded them of me is awesome. It’s easy, thoughtful, and kind. It shows that they care and that’s all I ask.
  6. I expect them not to cancel plans because their S.O. wanted to hang instead. Canceling plans is hard enough; telling me that their S.O. made spontaneous plans after ours were set isn’t okay. Sure, their relationship is a huge priority and I totally get that, bthis excuse shows me I’m not a priority at all. I demand that they make time for our friendship and that they don’t incessantly put me on the back burner. I don’t have to be the sole person in their life by any means, but it doesn’t hurt any less when they repeatedly choose their boyfriend over me.
  7. I expect them to respect my standards. As my friend, I trust that we can tell each other anything without judgment. This applies to men, TV shows, clothing, lifestyle, etc. Making snide, rude comments about the standards I keep isn’t a sign of friendship. It’s a clear indication that you don’t respect me nor care to understand where I’m coming from. Constantly assuming your standards are better than mine makes you a bad friend. And probably a crappy person, tbh.
  8. You have to be upfront with me if I offended you. Passive-aggressive behavior and comments aren’t cool. It’s a clear path to a ruined friendship. If their pride is more important than friendship, that’s a big problem. Passive aggressive behavior is a sign that one person thinks they aren’t entitled to their feelings. Bottled up aggression means they don’t trust me enough to talk it out. It means they aren’t invested enough to let our friendship evolve through rough times.
  9. They shouldn’t Expect Me To Magically Know Their Friendship Needs. I’m upfront about my demands and I’m careful who I befriend. One absolute friendship dealbreaker is expecting me to follow their friendship rules that they’ve never communicated. Pair that with passive aggressive retaliation and we’re done. I don’t put up with social punishments that are just them being a manipulative jerk. Now, it’s one thing to be a demanding friend, it’s another to be a high maintenance friend who makes others walk on eggshells. Hearing from a mutual friend that I upset them because “You didn’t ask her how her day was yesterday” is something no one has time for.
  10. They need to respect my decision to distance myself from them. If a friend continually deprioritizes my time, I’ll cut them out of my life. I don’t need the feeling of being forgettable from people I’ve trusted. Getting upset that I’ve chosen to invest my time elsewhere is a sign of how out of touch they are with where we stand. They need to respect my wanting better friends—ones that bring me support and stability.
Kim is living, working, and enjoying every minute of living in Seattle. She enjoys sewing random patterns from Pinterest, sleeping, and takes quite the fancy to audio books. She hopes to upheave her career path one day, but in the meantime, she is content with her 9 to 5 grind while freelance writing on the side.