I’m Desperate To Get Laid—I Think I Finally Understand How Guys Feel

The stereotype is that guys tend to have higher sex drives and until recently, I believed it. I never understood the experience of needing to get laid but now I finally do and it’s not pretty.

  1. I’ve always been in relationships. There are some perks to being a serial monogamist and regular sex is one of them. I’m not really one for casual sex, but loving, connected, meaningful, and sometimes downright dirty sex in a relationship is right up my proverbial alley. Since I’ve rarely been single for more than a few months at a time, sex hasn’t ever really been lacking.
  2. I’ve never had a problem finding sex when I wanted it. For this reason, I’ve never really experienced a time where sex was off the table for any significant period of time. If I had a partner, he’d pretty much always be up for sex if I was and that made it pretty easy to take it for granted.
  3. I don’t have a super strong sex drive to begin with. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love sex, but I’m not usually the one to initiate. More often than not, it’s my partners who get itchy feet first, so until recently, I never really found myself missing sex. My partner would always initiate long before I got to the point of really needing to get laid.
  4. Even if I wasn’t having sex, masturbation was always an option. There have of course been times in my life where my partner wasn’t available or I was single for a while, and the mood would strike. It was always easily remedied by some good old-fashioned alone time though. I even discovered the joy of masturbation in and of itself and that kept me plenty busy.
  5. Suddenly, I find myself in the midst of a dry spell. Right now, because of various external factors, I find myself in the midst of a dry spell despite being in a relationship. I’ve never really been confronted with this before and it’s like I don’t know what to do with myself.
  6. It’s like a flip has switched in my brain. Suddenly I feel like a predator, out in search of sex wherever I can find it. My partner and I are in an open relationship which means sex with other people is fair game. With this in mind, my brain is going nuts. It’s like I can’t look at a man without getting turned on. My body is constantly in a state of low-level arousal and the slightest thing would set me off.
  7. As it turns out, sex isn’t a drive. According to research into female sexual desire, sex drive isn’t really a thing, at least not the way we’ve been taught. Instead, a lot of women experience desire in response to sexual contexts rather than being the ones to initiate it. This means there’s no such thing as having a “low” sex drive—just more responsive or more spontaneous. While I might usually fall into the responsive category, when that’s not an option, I seem to switch over to spontaneous, which is how most men experience sexual desire.
  8. The context is right but the circumstances are not. Since I’ve discovered this short-cut to my libido, I’ve possibly become even more frustrated. I’m in the midst of this highly erotic context—needing to initiate, rather than being wooed by a lover—but my situation is putting up a brick wall. I’m not into casual sex, so even all that eye-candy isn’t doing much more than dangling a carrot just out of reach.
  9. Self-pleasure just isn’t cutting it. In the classic words of Greenday, “Masturbation’s lost its fun.” I love delighting myself, but after a while, solo play gets a little monotonous. And let’s be honest, a dildo is no substitute for an actual human being. I’m craving a partner and there’s nothing more to it.
  10. I’m starting to understand how guys must feel. This whole saga has given me a whole new appreciation for the dudes in my life. Until this experience, I never got it when guys described the plight of having sex on the mind all the time. Now I totally do and honestly, it’s really annoying. While sex-fueled thoughts are no excuse for some of the messed-up shit guys do, being in this state of mind at least helps me empathize with the “need to get laid” mindset that men seem to know all too well.
is an open-hearted fellow human, lover of vulnerability, workshop facilitator and blogger, and perpetual student of the universe. She blogs over at https://liberationandlove.com about the beautiful experience that is being human. Through her writings, she takes great pleasure in delving into conscious community, sexuality, communication, and relationships, and loves to help others to do the same. You can find her on instagram as @jazz_meyer or @liberation.and.love