I’m Done Making Excuses For Guys Who Fail To Live Up To My Expectations

When I fall for someone, I fall hard, and it sometimes leads me to make dumb choices like allowing guys to treat me badly. I have a tendency to forgive these dudes and make excuses for their poor behavior so I don’t have to cut them off, but now, I’m finally wising up.

  1. It’s their flaw, not mine. My refusal to deal with BS isn’t the problem — their constant BS is the problem. I’m done apologizing for giving up on guys who constantly let me down. I’ve spent too long blaming my supposed lack of patience or “impossible” standards, and now I’ve finally realized that guys’ inability to reach the bar I’ve set is a “them” problem, not a “me” problem.
  2. I can’t keep pretending they’re not letting me down. I’ve gotten really good at plastering a smile on my face and saying, “It’s OK!” It’s not OK and I need to stop lying to myself and the people I date. I’ve finally hit the end of my rope and from now on, when a guy isn’t giving me what I need, I’m going to tell both myself and him that he’s not doing it for me.
  3. I’m way too forgiving for my own good. Even when I don’t like someone, I have a tendency to let them get away with way too much. I used to think that this was a good quality — I thought of myself as someone who “picked her battles” and let myself see the best in people before judging them too harshly for their flaws. But now I see that I actually have a problem letting things go when I should really put my foot down. My tolerance for mediocre men has gone way down now, and I think I’m going to like this version of myself much better.
  4. I can’t let things go just because I like a guy. When I really like someone I’m dating, I give him my everything. I’m happy to make sacrifices for him, whether that means spending money on him or just giving him more of my time. But sacrificing my standards is ridiculous and no matter how much I like a guy, I can’t let that get in the way of my own self-respect.
  5. My standards aren’t even that high. I’m about as low-maintenance as it gets. I expect more than the bare minimum, but not by much. I would be a bit more understanding if I wanted to be treated like a princess and I kept finding guys who couldn’t reach the bar I was setting, but nothing I’m asking for is over the top. Treat me like you’d want to be treated, don’t lie to me, and don’t leave me starved for affection — is that too much to ask?
  6. I can meet my expectations so why can’t they? I’d never ask for anything from a partner that I wasn’t willing to give back. I always make sure that I lead by example in the dating world — if I want someone to text me back in a timely manner, I don’t leave him on read for days on end. If I want him to be generous in bed, I’m more than happy to be a giver as well. This makes it all the more disappointing when guys can’t meet my expectations because I know for a fact that I’m not asking for the impossible.
  7. I’m not perfect, but yeah, I deserve better. There are plenty of things in life I fail at, but being a girlfriend isn’t one of them. I take care of myself, I work hard, and I spoil my partners. I mess up sometimes, but overall, I know that I deserve someone who will work as hard as I do to build a happy relationship. I can’t keep blaming guys’ past relationships or messed-up childhoods for the way they treat me when they’re grown men who should know what they have when it’s sitting right in front of them.
  8. I’d rather be “forever alone” than be with someone who lets me down. I don’t know why I keep dating guys who can’t be the partners I need them to be, but at this point, I’m wholly prepared to die single. I could settle for a lackluster partner, but then I’d have to live the rest of my life with that nagging thought that I kept trying to justify a guy’s garbage behavior just because I didn’t want to be single.
  9. I don’t care if it makes me a bitch. I’m sympathetic to a fault, so when I can’t be bothered to give a damn about all the reasons a guy gives me for being selfish or commitmentphobic or dishonest, you know it’s bad. I’m not cold-hearted or callous for sticking up for myself, and I’m certainly not “bitchy” for leaving someone instead of doing endless mental gymnastics to justify why he might be treating me like crap. If a guy thinks that I am, he’s probably the exact opposite type of man that I’d want to attract anyway.
  10. My excuses and theirs are usually trash anyway. We all have baggage from past relationships — it doesn’t make it right for us to bring it into our present and future relationships. Still, I find myself jumping through hoops to convince myself that guys aren’t actually bad people, and they do the same to convince me that I should stick around for them. I understand that everyone has issues and some people have legitimate reasons for the things they do or don’t do, but the lame excuses I accept rarely pass the BS test.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.