I’m Independent, And That Makes Me A Little Embarrassed To Admit I Want A Relationship

After being single for a few years, it’s safe to say that if I wasn’t looking for love, I would have given up on this whole dating thing a long time ago. It’s no secret that dating can be torture, but no matter how much I want to find someone to share my life with, there’s a part of me that absolutely hates admitting that. Here’s why:

  1. I assume I should want to stay single. I know that there are tons of single women who eventually find love and that most of us are searching for the same thing… and yet I feel like I’m betraying all of the solo women in the world if I admit I don’t want to stay this way forever. I feel like I should want to stay on my own. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with being solo AF and most of the time, I even enjoy it. It just feels like love is not something that I should want if things are going so well on my own.
  2. I don’t want to become a stereotypical girlfriend. I have this image in my mind of the kind of partner I definitely don’t want to be. I don’t want to text my boyfriend 24/7, get mad when he goes out with his friends or beg him to spend more time with my family and friends. Those are all stereotypes but they’re still rooted in some sense of the truth. It always feels like wanting a relationship means wanting to act that way, though, and I’m not into it.
  3. I’m afraid of losing my independence. It’s tough to know exactly how much of my current life would remain the same if I find love… and that’s something that totally freaks me out. I’m scared of losing how strong and independent I am. I feel like if I say that I want a boyfriend, that automatically means I want to give up a lot of what I love for someone else, and that’s just not true.
  4. I don’t need a guy in my life. There are girls who always need to be in a relationship and then there’s me. I definitely don’t need a boyfriend, I just want one. There’s a pretty massive difference. I hate that if I say I want a partner, it makes me sound like I absolutely need a guy and I can’t possibly survive on my own.
  5. Relationships don’t fix everything (or anything). Whenever I catch myself thinking that my life would be perfect if I could just meet someone that I like, I stop immediately. It’s dangerous to think that having a boyfriend would suddenly and magically improve my life. I know that it won’t. I hate admitting that I want to have someone in my life because it makes me feel innocent and naive.
  6. I have terrible examples around me. Over the years, I’ve observed a lot of different couples, whether they’ve been acquaintances or random people I’ve met at parties. Most of these couples honestly seem like horrible matches. It makes me wonder, if I say that I want a relationship too, what am I really saying? That I want to fight with someone in public or resent them or be so bored that I don’t want to bring my BF anywhere? No thank you. Not happening.
  7. I would be totally fine if I never found love. I don’t actually believe I will never find love. This is something that has taken me a while to learn, and I’ve finally made it to a place where I’m calm and confident. But… I would be okay if it didn’t happen. And that makes me feel kind of silly for still wanting it.
  8. I hate hopeless romantics. I also hate rom coms, chocolate (okay, chocolate on Valentine’s Day) and red roses. I feel like by admitting how badly I want someone by my side during Netflix binges and Sunday brunches, I’m admitting to wanting all that cheesy romance. And that’s just not me.
  9. I’m an online dating queen. For better or worse, I’ve been online dating for the past two years and don’t have a long-term relationship to show for it. This is normal. It takes a while to weed through the crappy dates and awkward moments. I know this and yet I still feel embarrassed about admitting that I’m actively dating and looking for a relationship. I know it’s not weird but I assume other people think I’m crazy for continuing the search.
  10. I wonder how I’m so hopeful. I told myself a while ago that if I wanted to get through dating, I would have to stay optimistic no matter what. There are days when I wonder how I stay smiling when honestly, my bad dates are ones for the history books. I honestly feel kind of stupid for thinking that good dates exist (even though I know that they do).
  11. I have everything else that I want. Not to brag or anything but I’ve created an amazing life for myself. I don’t consider it bragging since I’ve worked super hard to make sure that I wake up every day and feel happy and healthy. Do I want to rock the boat by adding a super complicated relationship to the mix (since all relationships are complicated and there’s no way to avoid that)? Not really. At least this is what I assume people would say if they heard that I still wanted to find someone. So I’m going to keep searching for love… while keeping my mouth shut about it.
Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor from Toronto, Canada. In addition to writing about dating and relationships for Bolde, she also writes about movies, TV, and video games for ScreenRant and GameRant. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. You can find her on Twitter @ayatsintziras and on Instagram @aya.tsintziras.