I was the epitome of a hopeless romantic. I fell in love fast and hard and I managed to hold onto the misconception that love is a fairytale and that one day I’d get my happily ever after for so long. But after several failed relationships, I’m so over love and it’s seriously bumming me out.
I ask myself what the point is far too often.
The fact is that no one knows what the point of love really is, other than what it means to them personally. Sure, if you want to get married and have kids, I guess that’s something, but what does it mean in the grand scheme of things? I’ve been hurt so often that I don’t even want love, and what kind of person doesn’t want love? An unhappy one.
The negativity is spilling over into other areas of my life.
My defeatist attitude has become my ruling force. Other blissful areas of my life are turning sour because of ambivalence towards love and all that comes with it. I can’t help but feel jaded about pretty much everything, and even though I don’t want to feel that way, I can’t seem to stop myself.
Believing someone when they say care about me is difficult as hell.
Even when a guy steps to me in a romantic way and showers me with the affection a hopeless romantic longs for, I get suspicious. Dating too many players has shattered my ability to let myself love again.
I feel as though I’ve lost a part of myself.
Focusing a great deal of my own time and effort on finding “The One” has been ingrained in who I am. Now that I’m losing that part of my personality because of my relationship mishaps, it’s as if I’m losing myself.
I loathe love.
And there’s something seriously wrong with that. Love is the most amazing emotion a person can feel and loathing that emotion is really sending me through a misery spiral. I often wonder how it could be possible that the best emotion in the world could be canceled out by the worst.
Being scared to love is scary in itself.
Fear of falling is natural and I think everyone goes through it at some point or another, but when it becomes such a prevalent emotion, it’s downright debilitating. I can’t let go of my fear long enough to get what I want, so my fear of love turns into a fear of happiness.
I begrudge happy couples.
And when I do that, it’s as if they are literally everywhere. When I walk around hating the fact that others are happy because I’m over the whole idea of love, all it does it cause me to be even more bitter. It’s petty and immature and as a grown woman, it’s unacceptable.
I’m starting to seriously doubt one of my core beliefs.
The fact that something I’ve held onto so dearly for the majority of my life can be taken from me is a change I’m not quite sure I’m ready for. I’m melancholic when it comes to love because not only do I not want it anymore, I’m not even sure it exists… which goes against everything I thought I was certain of.
When couples close to me are happy, I think they’re lying.
I don’t even trust that my closest friends are happy in their relationships anymore. I’ve become resentful of the people I love — and resentful of their relationships — and that makes me feel more pathetic than anything else.
I’m ruining my own chances at ever finding it.
The fact that I’m standing in my own way when it comes to finding love is seriously depressing. The small speck of hopeless romantic I have left is screaming at every bitter bone in my body to wake the hell up and let go of the past and all its BS.
The love struggle is real.
I don’t want to be over love that the more I push it away, the harder it becomes to justify its existence in my life at all. All I want is to care for another person that deeply, but the wicked witch in me is so not letting that happen.
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