I’m Not “Ladylike” — And I Like It That Way

I’m a woman, but I’m definitely not a lady. I don’t know the difference between a salad fork and a dessert fork, and I certainly don’t care about the crap that comes out of my mouth. There’s nothing elegant about me, and I like it that way.

  1. I’m not going to be polite if you’re a loser. I won’t stand with a sweet, tightlipped smile if you’re spouting out garbage. If someone insults me, or says something small-minded, then I’m going to fire back at them. I won’t start a huge scene, but I won’t let myself be walked over, either.
  2. Cursing helps me express myself. Dropping the F bomb doesn’t make me any less intelligent than women who wouldn’t be caught dead cussing. I have a big brain and a big vocabulary, so it’s a conscious choice to call you a “whore” instead of a “insignificant, repugnant slattern.”
  3. I actually want to enjoy my food. When there’s a juicy meal on my plate, I don’t have time to think about which fork is the correct one to use. I grab whatever is closest to me and go to town. I’d rather moan into my food than politely put pieces into my mouth with my elbows off the table.
  4. I won’t waste money to improve my reputation. I’ll drink wine straight out of a box and buy my clothes from Target. I’m not going to waste my hard-earned paycheck on material items that’ll make me look more sophisticated than I actually am. I’d rather buy the things I actually need.
  5. I don’t dress tastefully on a daily basis. I’d rather wear a cutout dress than a conservative gown that covers my ankles. I have a body I’m proud of, so I’m going to show it off. No one will ever convince me that there’s something wrong with embracing the skin I was born in.
  6. I’d rather have fun than worry about what I look like. If I’m going out with my friends, I want to enjoy myself. I don’t want to spend all of my time worrying about impressing them. If they don’t like me, then they don’t have to invite me out again.
  7. I have a right to express my opinion. I don’t want to tiptoe around everything I say. If I have an opinion, I’m going to give it to you straight. I don’t believe in hiding my feelings to sound more sophisticated.
  8. I don’t associate with people who give AF about classiness. My friends don’t care if my house is trashed or if I’m wearing pajamas when they stop by for a visit. Quite honestly, I don’t want to be friends with the type of people who would care about such insignificant things.
  9. It’s impossible to look prim and proper 24/7, anyway. I take pride in my appearance, but there are still days when I walk out of the house covered in dog fur with chipped nails. I can’t help it. I’m a human, not a doll.
  10. I don’t have to be a lady to be polite. I’m not going to take my phone out and stare at my Facebook feed while someone is talking to me, but that doesn’t make me a lady. It just makes me a decent human being.
Holly Riordan is a writer from Long Island, New York who has authored several science fiction and horror books. A graduate of Stony Brook University, she has spent nearly a decade writing for publications including Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Teen Vogue, and more. You can find her on Instagram @hollyrio and Twitter @hollyyrio.