I’m Not “Ladylike” — And I Like It That Way

I’m a woman, but I’m definitely not a lady. I don’t know the difference between a salad fork and a dessert fork, and I certainly don’t care about the crap that comes out of my mouth. There’s nothing elegant about me, and I like it that way.

  1. I’m not going to be polite if you’re a loser. I won’t stand with a sweet, tightlipped smile if you’re spouting out garbage. If someone insults me, or says something small-minded, then I’m going to fire back at them. I won’t start a huge scene, but I won’t let myself be walked over, either.
  2. Cursing helps me express myself. Dropping the F bomb doesn’t make me any less intelligent than women who wouldn’t be caught dead cussing. I have a big brain and a big vocabulary, so it’s a conscious choice to call you a “whore” instead of a “insignificant, repugnant slattern.”
  3. I actually want to enjoy my food. When there’s a juicy meal on my plate, I don’t have time to think about which fork is the correct one to use. I grab whatever is closest to me and go to town. I’d rather moan into my food than politely put pieces into my mouth with my elbows off the table.
  4. I won’t waste money to improve my reputation. I’ll drink wine straight out of a box and buy my clothes from Target. I’m not going to waste my hard-earned paycheck on material items that’ll make me look more sophisticated than I actually am. I’d rather buy the things I actually need.
  5. I don’t dress tastefully on a daily basis. I’d rather wear a cutout dress than a conservative gown that covers my ankles. I have a body I’m proud of, so I’m going to show it off. No one will ever convince me that there’s something wrong with embracing the skin I was born in.
  6. I’d rather have fun than worry about what I look like. If I’m going out with my friends, I want to enjoy myself. I don’t want to spend all of my time worrying about impressing them. If they don’t like me, then they don’t have to invite me out again.
  7. I have a right to express my opinion. I don’t want to tiptoe around everything I say. If I have an opinion, I’m going to give it to you straight. I don’t believe in hiding my feelings to sound more sophisticated.
  8. I don’t associate with people who give AF about classiness. My friends don’t care if my house is trashed or if I’m wearing pajamas when they stop by for a visit. Quite honestly, I don’t want to be friends with the type of people who would care about such insignificant things.
  9. It’s impossible to look prim and proper 24/7, anyway. I take pride in my appearance, but there are still days when I walk out of the house covered in dog fur with chipped nails. I can’t help it. I’m a human, not a doll.
  10. I don’t have to be a lady to be polite. I’m not going to take my phone out and stare at my Facebook feed while someone is talking to me, but that doesn’t make me a lady. It just makes me a decent human being.
Holly is a science fiction and horror writer, who has recently been published by Flash Fiction Press, Infective Ink, and Popcorn Press. You can find more of her nonfiction articles on All Women Stalk, The Talko, and News Cult.