Why I’m Not Looking For “The One”

Why I’m Not Looking For “The One” ©iStock/Enrico Fionchini

I’m sick of the old fashioned, romantic idea that there’s one perfect person out there for each of us. It’s supposed to be comforting to think that no matter how many frogs I have to kiss along the way, I’ll eventually meet my soulmate and live happily ever after — but it’s gotten to the point where I think that limited view of how things are “supposed to be” is holding me back. Giving up on “The One” doesn’t mean I’m giving up on love — it just means I’m opening myself up to more than one version of it.

  1. Believing in “The One” is setting me up for disappointment. Bad dates and dry spells happen, and telling myself not to worry because my “one” is still out there somewhere makes me feel better in the moment. I do believe there are plenty of great guys out there for me to meet, but I don’t think there’s one stand-out that’s guaranteed to be perfect for me. For most of us, it’s a lot more complicated than that.
  2. “The One” implies a relationship that is “meant to be” will just fall into place. If we’re supposed to end up together, the universe will find a way to line up just right to make it so… or something. Unfortunately, love isn’t all you need to make a relationship work. I could meet my soulmate tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean we’ll live happily every after.
  3. One person can’t realistically give me everything I need. Expecting one person to take care of every single thing I need in order to be happy is setting the bar pretty high. People need interests and time outside of their relationships — it’s just a fact. Maybe not everyone feels this way, but personally, I need a lot more than love in order to be genuinely happy.
  4. Soulmates don’t have to be romantic. When people say “The One”, they’re generally referring to the person they hope to fall head over heels in love and spend the rest of their lives with. But a soulmate could be a really close friend or a family member that just gets you, which means there should be a lot more than just one of them (hopefully).
  5. I want to connect with more than one person in my lifetime. Some people think the most romantic thing in the world is when a couple meets when they’re young and they stay together their entire lives. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I don’t think that path was ever meant for me. If I was only ever with one person, I’d always wonder what else was out there. I want the chance to have feelings for a many different people before I settle down, and I would never consider playing the field a waste of time.
  6. Traditional relationships aren’t the only option. For a lot of people, monogamy is outdated and unrealistic. The point is, relationships aren’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing, and they no longer have to be. Whatever arrangement works for you and your partner, you can do. In a world where polyamory is gaining ground, the concept of “The One” no longer holds the same weight it used to.
  7. It’s too easy to get hung up on “the one that got away”. If you’ve decided you’ve found “The One” and then for some reason it doesn’t work out, where do you go from there? Suddenly you’re thrust back into dating, but you can’t stop comparing everyone you meet to the person you thought was perfect for you. It will always seem like the only choices you have are either be alone, or settle for second best.
  8. Finding my “One” is a daunting task. There are millions of people in the world, so what makes any of us think that we’re just going to run into the perfect person for us in our tiny corner of it? Online dating may allow us to extend our reach a little bit, but we’re still pretty limited to the small percentage of people that we’re most likely to cross paths with.
  9. The right one for me today might be different than the right one 10 years from now. Life changes people, sometimes drastically. I don’t think it would be abnormal to fall out of love with someone I used to think was my one and only. It’s not necessarily anyone’s fault, it just happens. None of us know what the future will bring and “the one” definitely isn’t synonymous with “forever”.
By day, Courtney is a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. By night, she's a freelance lifestyle writer who, in addition to Bolde.com, contributes regularly to AmongMen.ca, IN Magazine, and SheBlogs Canada. Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book? She's on Twitter @courtooo.