Maybe I’m Not The Problem—Maybe He Just Can’t Give Me What I Need

We tried to make it work for a while but we were just so unhappy in the relationship. For a time I felt as if it was my fault, like I did something wrong. However, I soon realized that wasn’t the case—he just couldn’t give me what I need.

I thought I was crazy. 

It was a milder form of gaslighting where I felt like a crazy person as a result of what he was telling me and what he was doing. I felt out of touch with reality as if he and I were living in two different worlds and mine was the one that was wrong. Turns out, we were living in two different worlds, I just didn’t know how to identify that yet. I later realized that I’m not crazy at all.

I thought there was something wrong with me.

At one point he told me that he thought I liked him more than he liked me. I know he wasn’t saying there’s something wrong with me but it sure felt like it. I mean, why would there be that imbalance? Now I know it just happens sometimes, but at the time I felt like I was inherently messed up and unlovable.

He insinuated that I was the problem. 

He basically said I was too intense for him. Instead of it being just his opinion, I kind of took it as gospel and almost believed it. I had thoughts that I may be a problematic partner who actually is too intense. I wasn’t at all the problem, though. I am who I am and there’s nothing wrong with me. Sure, I have things I can work on but I’m pretty awesome in general.

In the past, I was often the problem. 

I think I was so used to being the issue in the relationship that I had a strong reaction when he insinuated that again. I used to have very unhealthy relationships where my baggage was spilling out all over the place. Although I’ve healed much of my relationship with myself and others, the past can still haunt me sometimes.

I was also being really hard on myself

When someone else tells me that I’m doing something wrong, I really take it to heart. I want to process what they say and try to integrate it into my life so that I can be the best person I can be. Sometimes, however, I can take this a little too far and use what people say as a bat to beat myself over the head with. This isn’t helpful.

He couldn’t give me what I needed.

I probably was too much for him, sure, but he also wasn’t enough for me. He couldn’t meet my needs. I can take this perspective rather than thinking there’s something wrong with me or him. I can believe that he just couldn’t meet me where I was at and I couldn’t do that for him eithers. We just weren’t a match and that was that.

Sometimes things just end and it’s no one’s fault. 

I’m saying he did this and I did that, but in reality, sometimes things just don’t work out. It’s over and it isn’t because of one or both of us doing something. We couldn’t meet each other’s needs. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but the timing wasn’t right and perhaps we just weren’t meant to be together at all.

I’m learning more about what it is that I need.

In order to look for the right person and get my needs met, I need to identify what exactly those needs are. Now that I’m single again, I’m exploring what I need to be happy and settled. Relationships teach me too, though, about what I need because if I’m not getting it I can feel it. I’ll never perfectly know, but I can certainly come close.

There will be someone who can give me what I need

After all is said and done, I still have hope for love. I believe that there will be someone (or many someones) out there for me who are good matches. We can give each other what the other needs and have our own needs met. I do believe this is possible even though I haven’t experienced it yet.

I can go forth with a positive outlook. 

Something I’ve gained from all of this is that I don’t have to be so dang hard on myself. I can be much gentler, allowing room for my humanity. With this, I have positivity that I can carry with me into my next relationship. I can believe that I’m capable, lovable, and worthy.

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