I’m Strong & Independent But Being Single Still Sucks

Despite what my self-conscious brain tells me, there’s nothing wrong with both being an independent woman and wanting to be in a relationship. I just hate being single and I’m not sorry about it. I can be a feminist and desire a partner too. It’s imperfect but it’s where I’m at.

I think of myself as strong and independent. I do a lot for myself; I’m pretty independent. I’d also say that I’m strong. I’m a resilient person, I’ve weathered through a lot of things. For some reason, it feels like these things can’t coexist with wanting a partner. It’s like I have to have one or the other. I don’t think this is true, though; I think it’s OK that I want a partner even if I don’t need one.

I’m a feminist. I’m yearning for a man or a woman or anyone in between, though I consider myself a raging feminist. The idea of wanting another person seems to be contrary to being a powerful feminist, right? Well, not really. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

I still yearn for a relationship. Pretty badly sometimes, too. I desire to be in partnership with another person and I dream about it all the time. I don’t know what this yearning means, if I need to be more comfortable with myself or if it’s just a natural human response to loneliness. Probably a mix of both.

I’ve grown up believing in fairy tales. Growing up I saw all of the princesses with their happy endings getting their Prince Charmings. It made me feel like fairy tales could be possible for me, too. In fact, I felt like it should be a life goal to secure a loving partner. There’s so much more to life, but I can’t shake this idea that’s deeply ingrained in my psyche.

This doesn’t make me weak or flawed. I think it’s easy to feel like something’s wrong with me because of these conflicting ideals. It can seem like I’m weak or flawed because I “should” just be OK by myself. This isn’t true. I’m a human being with an array of desires. Wanting to be with someone else doesn’t make me less than.

It’s natural to want a relationship. I think in a lot of ways it’s totally normal and OK to desire a partnership. It’s human nature to want to be with another person, to share your life with someone who understands and accepts you. I don’t have to go and beat myself up because of my desires. I do, however, have to make sure that I’m not letting my desires go overboard.

I just have to be careful to make sure I’m not trying to fill a void. One of the most important things is my motive. Am I seeking a relationship because I want a loving partner or am I seeking one because I feel empty inside and I want someone else to make me feel OK? If I’m coming from the second place, I really have to be careful and maybe take a step back from dating. If I’m trying to use someone else to fill a void, then I’ll never find the long-term partnership I seek.

There are god damn couples everywhere. I think what exacerbates my desire for a relationship is seeing couples all over the place. They’re literally everywhere. I went for a nature walk this past weekend and just about every single person there was part of a couple. I see this when I’m already feeling down about not dating anyone and it only makes me feel worse.

I think the little sayings for single people can be BS. Cliches like “your time will come” or “you’ll meet someone when you least expect it” drive me nuts. Uh, okay, thanks? What if I want my time to be now and I don’t want a surprise love? What if I never find anyone, ever? The platitudes about dating just make me want to vomit. People also say “there’s someone for everyone!” Gross. What if there isn’t someone for me?

I wonder if I’ll always be single. It’s been many years for me since I’ve been in a long term relationship. Sometimes it feels like it’ll be many more until I’m in another, if I am at all. I can’t help but feel a bit self-pitying, feeling as though I’m going to be the single girl forever.

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