My third grader came home a few weeks ago and announced that she has her first boyfriend. While a “relationship” between two socially awkward 9-year-olds consists mostly of shared lunchtimes and the occasional game of four square, it won’t be long before we’ll need to have some real conversations about dating. Here are just a few of the lessons I plan to teach her before she steps into the world of relationships outside the playground.
- Talk about boundaries and consent before it becomes an issue.It’s not always easy to talk about your personal boundaries and comfort levels, especially if you’re bringing it up for the first time with a new boy. The truth is, there’s a right time to have the conversation, and it’s not when you’re in the heat of the moment and suddenly feeling like you aren’t super into something your partner is doing. Using your words to clearly communicate your feelings reaffirms them in a way that keeping them hidden doesn’t and gives your partner a blueprint for how to respect that part of your being. If he doesn’t, that’s a dealbreaker.
- R-E-S-P-E-C-T.Chemistry is great and all, but if that’s the foundation you’re building your relationships on, don’t be surprised when they crumble. Chemistry isn’t going to have your back when things get real. You’re going to feel a spark with people who aren’t meant to be more than a drop in your pond, and that’s OK. But when it comes to choosing somebody to stick around with for a while, pick someone that embodies the values you hold dear. If he doesn’t feel the same way about you and treat you accordingly, keep moving.
- Having a “friend zone” might be a mistake.It’s totally fine if you genuinely don’t see yourself ever developing romantic or sexual feelings for someone that’s expressed an interest in you, no matter how much you truly like them as a person. However, turning someone down for the sake of maintaining a friendship may be a bigger mistake than you realize at the time. Companionship is one of the major facets of dating, and if you already know that you enjoy spending time with someone, it might be worthwhile to go on a single date to explore the potential that the relationship may hold.
- If he doesn’t support your long-term goals, he’s not the one.I’m your mama, so it’s my job to know that you’ve wanted to be a veterinarian since the day you realized that dogs are softer than humans. If you ever find yourself hanging out with a guy who pressures you to skip studying for that science exam in favor of Netflix and chill, drop him like a bad habit. The right person will be at your door with flashcards and pizza (pepperoni, your favorite).
- You don’t have to behave or dress a certain way for attention.You inherited your dad’s height, your grandmother’s brown-eyed beauty, and, unfortunately, my perpetual insecurity. You may find yourself craving attention and reassurance, and going out of your way to find it in fleeting places. Don’t. Be your genuine, fun, loving, incredible self and proudly present that self to the world. Plus, fashion and self-expression are super fun!
- Learn from your mistakes.A mistake is only wasteful if you make the same one again. That’s one reason why it’s rarely a good idea to hook up with exes, but the idea definitely goes even further than that. Be aware of how different people and actions make you feel, and figure out what you like and don’t like. A little self-awareness can go a long way in preventing future heartache.
- Respect other relationships.I hope you never have to deal with the pain of being cheated on, but let me tell you, it sucks. Respect yourself and your fellow women, and don’t be the other girl in the triangle. Karma has a way of coming around, and a person who doesn’t respect their partner enough to remain faithful to them isn’t worth your time and attention.
- Don’t forget about your friends.When you start dating someone, the honeymoon phase has a way of candy coating everything about that new person in your life. Being in their presence can feel almost addictive. Because your extra attention feels so laser-focused on your love life, your platonic relationships can start to go by the wayside. Don’t let them atrophy. My best friend has been by my side for sixteen years and has seen more of my semi-relationships come and go than I care to count. Invest in the relationships that will last, and you’ll reap a lifetime of benefits.
- If he mistreats you, there’s no strike two.Nobody intends to wind up in an abusive relationship, and warning signs can be a lot more nuanced than you might think. Trust your gut when it comes to the way you’re being treated, and don’t give someone a second chance to seriously mistreat you. You can’t control someone else’s behavior, but you can take yourself out of the equation.
- Never let anyone pressure you out of your comfort zone.Some relationships take time to develop, and others go from zero to sixty in what feels like seconds. As long as boundaries are truly being respected by everyone involved, neither way is right or wrong. However, if anyone tries to coax you into letting down your boundaries and doing something you may regret, don’t be afraid to stick to your guns. Your partner should follow and protect your limits like his own. If he doesn’t, it’s time to GTFO before the disrespect gets worse.
