I’m Terrified Of Commitment & I Don’t Know What To Do About It

A lot of men get flack for being so anti-commitment, but the truth it, I totally understand where those guys are coming from. The idea of settling down with another person for the long term is intimidating at the least and utterly terrifying at the most. This is why I get the urge to run every time the prospect of a serious relationship comes up:

  1. I get bored easily. I know myself, and I know that right about the time I decide to suck it up and commit to someone is also the time I get bored with him. As much as I can’t stand it when guys are addicted to “the chase,” I know I’m just as guilty of it. I’m trying to change my ways, but until I do, I’d rather not subject a guy or myself to a relationship that my short attention span is sure to destroy.
  2. I’m ridiculously hot and cold. I’m either all-in or all-out, and that’s not good when it comes to committed relationships. There are some days when the mere mention of a guy’s name will have me hearing wedding bells, then others when I’m completely disinterested in him. It’s a headache for me to deal with, and I’d never want to put a guy through that if he really cares about me.
  3. Every time I let myself get attached, something bad happens. The very few times when I HAVE made the effort to create something real with a man, it’s blown up in my face. He always ends up falling for someone else or simply losing interest almost immediately after we discuss getting serious. It’s made me guarded, and unfortunately, I’ve also picked up some bad habits from the commitment-phobes in my past.
  4. I’m constantly wondering if something better is out there. Never being satisfied isn’t exactly an endearing quality, but I can at least acknowledge that it’s one of my flaws. Every time I start dating a guy, no matter how handsome or funny or charming he may be, it’s only a matter of time before my mind starts drifting away from him and towards other potential romantic prospects. It’s horrible, I know, but something in my brain is constantly telling me to aim higher.
  5. I hate the idea of being tied down. I’ve had literal nightmares about getting married and having kids. For lots of people, settling down with a family is a life goal, but all it makes me think about is the finality of everything. I like to have flexibility in my life, and if I feel trapped, I panic. Committing to a romantic relationship often sounds like the first nail being hammered into the coffin for me.
  6. I go crazy if I don’t get my alone time. Any healthy relationship will give both people a good balance of alone time and together time, but I need a LOT of time to myself. If I’m with a guy who’s constantly blowing up my phone or wanting to hang out, my first instinct is to run. What happens if things progress and he brings up the idea of moving in together? The very idea makes me nervous.
  7. It’s so much harder to get out of a committed relationship. Exiting a casual fling can be as simple as sending a quick text message telling the other person you aren’t feeling it anymore. But once you’re committed to someone, things get a lot more complicated. Breakups get messier and more painful, and if you make it all the way to marriage, divorce can be hell on Earth. I’d much rather protect my heart and my bank account, thank you very much.
  8. I can’t trust myself when feelings are involved. I like to think I’m a smart person, but all logic flies right out the window as soon as I start getting attached to someone. My heart ends up making all the big decisions for me, and before I know it, I’ve agreed to be his girlfriend and damn what have I done? I know that this is yet another thing that I need to work on, but until I can start making decisions based on reason rather than emotion, I’d rather stay away from the prospect of commitment entirely.
  9. I’m scared of losing my independence. My go-it-alone attitude has gotten me far in life, and the idea of becoming dependent on another person in any way makes my heart rate go up. I know I don’t HAVE to give up my independence just because I’m in a relationship, but I also know that it’s only natural to start leaning more and more on your partner as things start to get more serious. I’m fine with providing a bit of support for someone else, but I loathe the idea of even slightly relying on someone who isn’t me.
  10. I hate the idea of “forever.” I can deal with looking a month or even a few years into the future, but the idea of staying with the same person for the rest of my life is enough to cripple me with fear. And I know that if I enter a committed relationship, I’ve taken the first step into forever. I might be ready for something that huge one day, but for now, I’d rather keep things casual than have to deal with the long-term future.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.