I’m Not Going To Jump Through Hoops Just To Be Dateable

I’m Not Going To Jump Through Hoops Just To Be Dateable ©iStock/ThomPhoto

The dating game these days is absolutely brutal, and it’s only getting worse. As a single girl, I’ve heard all the “helpful” advice you could imagine from well-meaning people who want to see me actually happy in a relationship. A lot of the time, the advice I get basically is a slap in the face. People tell me that I should lose weight, dye my hair another color, wear different clothing, and basically become someone I’m not. Frankly, I’m sick of it. Here’s why I’m done with changing who I am to be dateable:

  1. First off, I don’t see guys doing the same for me.  There is a serious double standard going on in dating these days. Too many men seem to expect girls to look like supermodels, be unrealistically sweet, put up with bad behavior, and also cook/clean/be a sugar mama for them. I can’t recall the last time I saw a guy who actually worked on himself to make himself dateable. Why should I be the one doing all the work?
  2. If I change who I am as a person, the guy I’d end up with didn’t like me in the first place. When I date someone, I want them to like the real me. I don’t want them to be into someone I have to pretend to be. I’m not feminine, so I wouldn’t want to have to pretend I am just to please a guy. If he’s not in love with the real me, he’s not really in love with me.
  3. I’ve tried to change, and it doesn’t work. The only person I could ever be is me. Even if I wanted to, I can’t keep up a fake me forever.
  4. If I changed my appearance for a guy to date me, there’s no saying that he won’t leave when I get older. Men and women are both shallow – it’s a fact of life. However, there are limits to how shallow someone can be and still be a decent human being. If a guy would only date me when I had red hair, or if I was under a size 6, he’ll most likely bail if I got heavier or suddenly got wrinkles. Looks fade, and we won’t look beautiful forever. Despite all the plastic surgery I’ve had, I’m not looking to be someone’s Barbie doll. I’m looking to be someone’s “till death do we part.”
  5. Changing would make me hate myself. I personally would feel like I’ve betrayed myself if I turned into something I’m not just to be in a relationship. I take pride in just being myself, even when society hates it. By changing, I’m admitting defeat, and that’s not going to happen.
  6. It’s actually really rude and insulting to tell someone to change, and I’m not going to kowtow to people who don’t see me as good enough right now. Part of my reasoning behind it all is stubbornness. When people tell me to wear girly clothing, be more demure, or lose weight, I see that as them basically saying I’m defective in one way or another. Hearing those smug jerks tell me this stuff makes me not want to change, specifically because I want to prove them wrong.
  7. There’s always going to be another hoop to jump through. If you lose 10 pounds, people will suggest losing 20. If you graduate college, people will suggest becoming a doctor. If you dye your hair blonde, people will suggest getting spray tanned. It. Never. Ends.
  8. I honestly think I’m awesome as is. I have a great personality, and a huge heart. I still look great compared to most others, despite having been through hell. Why isn’t that enough?
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a New Jersey based writer and editor with bylines in Mashed, Newsbreak, Good Men Project, YourTango, and many more. She’s also the author of a safe travel guide for LGBTQIA+ people available on Amazon.

She regularly writes on her popular Medium page and posts on TikTok and Instagram @ossianamakescontent.