I’m Way Too Upfront With Guys & It Keeps Backfiring

We’re all trying to navigate our way through the ins and outs of romantic attraction and it’s often hit-or-miss. These days, it’s a little more miss when it comes to my dating techniques and I think my overly assertive approach might be the culprit…

  1. I used to be quite shy. When I was younger, I was something of an ugly duckling, blending into the background as my hotter friends lapped up male attention. The thought of actually hitting on guys was the furthest thing from my mind. Instead, I just swooned from afar like a creeper with low self-esteem.
  2. I eventually gained more self-confidence and it changed everything. I managed to grow into myself and gained a lot of confidence as I got older. In my late teens, I really came into my own, getting a lot more comfortable with guys. They simultaneously got a lot more comfortable with me and soon I was flirting with the best them.
  3. I started to experiment with being more forward. My confidence kept growing and soon I began to experiment with being more assertive in the realm of romance. I got some sort of gleeful pleasure from being quite forward with men, mostly because I knew they didn’t expect it. Rather than playing the role of the coy, hard-to-get damsel, I went after what I wanted and would often be the one to make the first move.
  4. For a while, it worked. Lots of guys really loved this approach. An assertive and confident woman is a massive turn-on for a lot of men and I made excellent use of this fact. I loved being open with my romantic interests and they really seemed to like it to. I thought I’d chanced upon a good thing.
  5. I may have taken it too far. Recently, I’ve started thinking I might be a little too forward. My latest conquests have been particularly unsuccessful and it could very well be because I’ve gotten too comfortable with my signature approach. Rather than just being forward, I may have become downright pushy. Take my word for it—this is not a particularly sexy tactic. Surprising, huh?
  6. I’m robbing myself of the build-up. I realize I’m also short-changing myself. Part of the thrill of meeting someone new is the build-up. Navigating the waters of a new dynamic usually involves a lot of second-guessing. If you play your cards right, this can become a tantalizing type of romantic foreplay. The unknown holds a lot of exciting tension, but unfortunately for me, my gung-ho approach precludes any chance of this.
  7. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve forgotten how to flirt. Seriously, though, this idea terrifies me. I love flirting—it’s practically a pastime of mine, so the thought of losing that skill is deeply troubling. I’ve become so comfortable with being completely forward with whichever hottie I’ve currently got my eye on, that I’ve forgotten the beauty of subtlety. That’s a real tragedy.
  8. I’m having much less success these days. After being turned down by my last several love interests, I’m starting to get the hint. I love to be open, but if it’s at the expense of any success in the romantic and sexual arena, then it may be time to rethink my game plan. It’s no fun putting yourself out there and getting turned down again and again.
  9. It might be time to tone it down a little. I’ve hyped myself up to the point that my idea of normal is way, way too aggressive for some people. Breaking up a perfectly pleasant and platonic conversation with “Can I kiss you?” might work for some, but probably not for most. I’m thinking it might be a good idea to regroup and formulate a different tactical approach. Something a little gentler, perhaps employing the use of a segue every now and then…
  10. I want to enjoy the slow tease again. This has actually been an excellent learning experience. While I obviously don’t have a lot of the social inhibitions that most people do, I can appreciate their uses. Would it kill me to wait a little longer before attempting to kiss someone, or even waiting for them to make the first move? It’s nice to be wooed and I wouldn’t mind engaging in a bit more of that before I forget the art of flirtation altogether.
is an open-hearted fellow human, lover of vulnerability, workshop facilitator and blogger, and perpetual student of the universe. She blogs over at https://liberationandlove.com about the beautiful experience that is being human. Through her writings, she takes great pleasure in delving into conscious community, sexuality, communication, and relationships, and loves to help others to do the same. You can find her on instagram as @jazz_meyer or @liberation.and.love