I Immediately Get Attached To The Guys I Date & I Don’t Know How To Stop

When I fall for someone, I fall HARD. It’s not the worst habit in the world to have, but it’s definitely problematic when it comes to guys that don’t exactly feel the same way about me. I sometimes end up devastated when I let myself get in over my head too early and I know I need to break this cycle but that’s much easier said than done.

  1. I always want to be in a relationship. I tend to think that in order to be happy, I need to be with someone. I tell myself I’m okay being alone but deep down I don’t always believe it. I like being a partner so I am constantly searching for that. I know I have to be OK with myself alone to ever sustain a meaningful relationship, so I think the first step would be to make sure I’m good with myself before jumping into anything again.
  2. I have abandonment issues. A lot of my clinginess comes from the fact that I’ve been dumped A LOT. I’d even be willing to say it goes back a little farther. Growing up, I moved around a bit and lost good friends in the process and I seem to have developed this mentality that everyone leaves in the end, so why bother? I want to submerge myself in someone before they have the chance to leave me too and I know that’s not healthy at all. I can’t change my past but I really need to accept that not everyone is going to leave, and if they do, that’s not on me.
  3. My happiness is often dictated by others. When I stop and let that thought sink in, I feel really embarrassed about it. I have no idea where this came from but the fact that I feel my own level of happiness is based on how my partner is treating me is ridiculous, yet I let it continue to happen! I can make myself happy but I often choose to wait for someone else to do it for me. I need to break this mindset and actually put forth an effort to take care of myself before I can be with someone.
  4. I react emotionally all the time. I’m the poster child for reacting before thinking and I know this has to stop. If a guy blows me off, I immediately take it personally and lash out at him. I know that breaking a date isn’t cool, but sometimes there’s a legit reason behind it—and even if there isn’t, I don’t need to fly off the handle. I can choose how I react if I’d only stop and think before I say or do something. I need to make sure I pause in these situations. It’ll save me a lot of grief going forward.
  5. I expect the honeymoon phase to last forever. In the beginning of most relationships, everything is perfect. I feel the butterflies, I’m getting showered with attention, and then as we continue to see each other, those things fade and reality sets in. This is totally normal, of course but I never seem to grasp that until it’s too late. I need to actively remember that the longer I’m with someone, the more likely it is for us to develop a routine and that’s actually a positive thing.
  6. I’m super maternal. I have no idea where this trait came from but I’m known as the mom of my friend group. I like to take care of people. Partly, I think it’s my need to affection based on my aforementioned abandonment issues but overall, I just really like making sure the people in my life know they’re cared about and are treated as such. I can really overcompensate for this at times, especially if I’m feeling needy or sending the guy I’m dating is pulling away. The majority of the time this has backfired and it makes them want to pull away even more. There has to be a balance for me. I don’t want to not come off as caring, that’s actually a quality I love about myself, but I need to make sure I find a middle ground and stay there.
  7. I never think people will like me for me. I know it stems from my own insecurity but I find myself trying to manifest into whatever the person I’m seeing needs or wants. If I know a guy has been burned by a flaky girl in the past, I’ll make sure I’m the least flaky person they know. I rarely let the people I’m dating get to know the real me because I’m too busy trying to be whoever it is they’ll want to date long term. It can get exhausting fast and I think it’ll be a lot more rewarding if I can just be myself. The right guy will like me, he won’t want me to be someone I’m not and I deserve to hold out for that.
  8. I really just need to chill out. The more time I spend thinking about how to not be overly attached to guys, the more I realize I need to simply take some of the pressure off dating. I think that alone will help me become more comfortable with myself and understand my true wants and needs instead of the ones I trick myself into thinking are valid. I’m so uptight that I think just relaxing alone will do me a world of good. I just want to be in a happy relationship and comfortable and once I accept that will take time I believe as the hopeless romantic I am that it’ll come to me when it’s supposed to.
jordan is a writer from salt lake city who enjoys a good steak, her dog, and conversations about how radiohead is awesome. she hopes to be a talking head on some VH1 pop-culture show someday and can curate a playlist for any occasion. when she grows up she wants to be an olsen twin.