Although being single for too long is not exactly a bad thing, it does change you. Whether that change is good or bad, is up for debate, but it’s a change nonetheless. Enough alone time makes you set in your ways and when those ways are disrupted, it can be a shock to the system.
But maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “I haven’t been single THAT long. I’m not THAT out of touch,” simply because you’ve lost track of how many years it’s been. If that’s the case, then let’s clear some stuff up. Here are 11 lessons you learn from being single way too long.
- How to cook for one without any leftovers. Unless it’s pizza, leftovers are never good. When you’ve been single for way too long, you learn how to make the exact amount of food for one, despite the fact that every recipe you have is for two, four, or six.
- That your pubic hair can actually get quite long. Although some women wax regularly because it’s their thing, others only wax when they’re getting some. Case in point: A single friend of mine called to tell me that not only was she completely fascinated by the abundance of her bush since being single for over a year, but that she’s even found three grey hairs in the last month alone. Fascinating, no?
- Just how easy it is to spot a douchebag. Whether it’s a potential partner or a vulture trying to swoop in and steal your thunder at work, enough alone time will heighten your senses and you’ll be able to spot a douchebag with your eyes shut and your fingers in your ears.
- How to make yourself orgasm in one minute flat. It’s not that you don’t have time to make yourself properly orgasm per se, but that it’s an art form and you’re damn proud of having mastered it.
- Where to go to get laid. In the off chance that you actually want to share your vagina with someone besides your sex toy collection, when you’ve been single way too longer, you know exactly where to go to pick up a one-night stand you never need to see again.
- How to eat comfortably at a restaurant alone. People who can only eat alone at restaurants with a book are a weird breed. Why would you want to read when you’re trying to eat? You want to give every bite of that lasagna your full attention.
- That Netflix is the healthiest relationship you’ve ever had. It doesn’t talk back and does what you say. C’est parfait!
- How to handle the “why aren’t you dating anyone” question with impeccable wit. Although I am unsure as to why anyone would care whether or not you’re dating anyone, what I am sure of is that after being single long enough, your answers to that question get wittier and wittier each time.
- That human beings should not share a bed. Like, ever. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a king size, because no, ew, I’ll pass, thanks.
- How to fix the ballcock. When you’ve been single long enough, you’re forced to be the only one taking care of stuff around your apartment. In that process, you learn how to fix the ballcock in your toilet – then you get to brag about it.
- Just how much your own company is the best company. At some point, you realize that you actually feel bad for people who have to socialize, or even worse, date relentlessly. You learn the important lesson that you’re the best person you’ve ever met and that everyone else is just meh in comparison.
