Ironically, I Ruin All My Relationships Because I’m So Scared Of Ruining My Relationships

No one wants to be the reason a good romance falls apart, but I tend to take that to the extreme. I have a habit of constantly worrying that I’m doing something wrong whenever I’m dating someone, and the behavior that it inspires is… well, not exactly the kind that guys want in a girlfriend. I know my fear of pushing my partners away is exactly what makes that happen, but I really don’t know how to stop.

  1. I overanalyze everything. Everything from how a text is worded to if emojis are used to how many times he coughed during dinner will make its way to my brain and get dissected to see if there’s some kind of deeper meaning behind it. Even if the guy I’m dating specifically says that he’s tired or sick, I’ll still wonder if there’s a bigger reason as to why he’s not as chipper or chatty with me… and I’ll ignore all logic and blame myself.
  2. I act like the person I think they want me to be instead of the person I am. I get so paranoid about people losing interest in me that I’ll completely change my personality to fit who I think they’d be interested in. Never mind that the person they really want to date is the REAL me — I get so nervous that they won’t like who I am that I’ll suppress my true self. It’s horrible, but I can’t stop myself from doing it even as I see it happening.
  3. I apologize constantly. And then I’ll apologize for apologizing. Half the time, these people don’t even notice when I “mess up,” but I do. I constantly worry that every little thing I do will be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back and make them walk out of my life. The logical side of me knows that the constant apologies are more annoying than anything, but the emotional side of me just can’t help but spew out “I’m sorry” even when I have nothing to be sorry about.
  4. My self-esteem tanks. The more amazing a guy is, the less I feel like I can measure up to him. I always feel undeserving of affection, so when a guy I’m dating treats me well, I feel unworthy. It’s horrible because I should feel better about myself when someone I care about tries to build me up, but instead I tear myself down. Not only is such a lack of confidence unhealthy for me, but it’s also super unattractive in a partner. I just wish I could stop it before it gets to that point of no return.
  5. I let things build up. I’m always so scared of making my partners angry that I stay quiet about issues when I should just be open when something’s bothering me. As problems build up, so does my resentment, and eventually, it all comes spilling out in an emotional outburst. Super cute, right? I should just handle problems as they come so I can talk about them rationally, but instead, my desire to not come across as crazy or needy actually makes me come across as SUPER crazy and needy.
  6. I assume the worst. If he says he’s going to bed but I see he’s still active on Facebook, my mind immediately jumps to him chatting up another girl. Or maybe he just hates me. Maybe he’s TRYING to make me paranoid. The idea that he just wanted to scroll through his feed one more time before he went to sleep isn’t even a thought that crosses my mind, and that’s how it is with every little thing when I’m dating someone. My anxiety makes me That Girl who doesn’t trust even the most trustworthy people, and it always becomes a serious problem eventually.
  7. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. When I’m single, I don’t give any damn when it comes to speaking my mind or doing as I please. When I’m dating someone, though, things are different. I’m constantly hyperaware of everything I say and do, terrified that just the smallest thing I’d do wrong could cause a massive fight that could ruin everything between us. The reality is that my fear of insulting the guy is probably doing more damage than any small offense I could commit, but my anxious mind won’t let me relax.
  8. I come across as completely insane. Constant paranoia isn’t a good look. Even when things are objectively fine, I still end up being an emotional disaster, constantly asking for validation that the guy I’m with still likes me and that he’s not angry with me over who-knows-what. It’s perfectly logical from my distorted perspective, but I know that to him (and any outsider), I look like I’m in the process of losing my damn mind.
  9. I panic and overcompensate. Because I’m always so freaked out about messing up and destroying a good thing with someone, I end up going out of my way to make sure that the person I’m dating is super extra happy with me. I sacrifice my own happiness to make sure he’s content enough with me that even if I mess up, it won’t be enough to drive him away. Before I know it, I’ve lost part of myself, and the worst part is that none of it is ever necessary.
  10. The better things are, the worst I get. You’d think that this behavior would mostly be present in my unhealthier relationships and almost-relationships, but the opposite is actually true. Maybe it’s because of the lousy guys I’ve dated in the past, but now, my paranoia only goes up when I’m dating someone who actually treats me well. When things are good, it makes it that much scarier for me to think that I might once again be left alone, and my worry goes through the roof. At least when things are a bit rocky, I know that I won’t be losing too much if it all falls apart.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.