Is It Ever Okay To Keep Secrets From Your Boyfriend?

A few little secrets won’t hurt anything, right? Honesty is an important part of a good relationship. If your man knows you’re keeping secrets or those secrets come out when you least expect it, he might not trust you anymore. The same goes for him if the shoe was on the other foot. The problem is, there really are some secrets you can keep. Knowing when to keep things to yourself and when to fess up to your man isn’t nearly as tricky as you might think. Just think about it carefully and you’ll probably have your answer. If not, use the following checklist to help you out. Spoiler alert: If it doesn’t feel right, don’t keep the secret.

  1. Did it happen before your relationship? Many of the things that happened before your relationship have nothing to do with your current guy or relationship. He doesn’t need to know how many people you’ve been with. He does need to know if you have an STD. See the difference? If it happened in the past and still affects you now, tell him. If it’s over and isn’t coming back up, leave it alone.
  2. Does it affect your future together? Anything that might affect your future together should be shared. For instance, if the two of you are talking about buying a house together, but your credit score is horrible, you should tell him. Any secrets like this could lead to fights, resentment and lack of trust later on.
  3. Would you be ashamed if he knew? This question is kind of tricky to answer. You might be ashamed to tell him about an STD or bad credit score, but he still needs to know. Of course, you might also be ashamed if he knew you wet your pants at age 13 during summer camp. Think about it this way – would you rather he hear something shameful from you or someone else?
  4. Does it affect him directly? Outside of something petty, such as that you hate his style, any secrets that affect him directly need to be shared. Maybe he really is bad in bed. Don’t keep it to yourself. Talk to him about how to make sex between the two of you better. Any secrets directly related to him will come back to bite you if you don’t tell him.
  5. Does it deal with an ex? You don’t need to tell your man about every detail about your exes. He really doesn’t need to know how they were in bed, what the two of you did together or how in love you were. If you’re planning on hanging out with an ex, he should know. Basically, if it’s in the past, keep it to yourself. If you’re dealing with an ex now, tell him.
  6. Is it something serious? Do you have a serious illness or did you wreck his car? Maybe your ex kissed you and you pushed him away. Anything remotely serious isn’t a secret you should keep. Sure, it might lead to a few fights, but trust me, it’s better to fight now than wait until he finds out on his own. That could be a fight that ends your relationship.
  7. Are you terrified of someone else telling him? Do you really want to be stressed out all the time wondering if someone else is going to tell your secret? Wouldn’t it be easier to just tell him yourself? Plus, you don’t have to worry about anyone having blackmail over you.
  8. Would it ruin your relationship? Some secrets could ruin your relationship, even if you tell them. For instance, if you cheated, it could mean the relationship is over. He still deserves to know. Some secrets only ruin relationships if they come out later. For instance, if you’re hiding the fact that you and your ex are still close friends, he’s going to wonder what else was going on. Telling him upfront might make him uncomfortable, but he’ll get used to it.
  9. Does it involve someone else? If the secret doesn’t affect him directly and it involves someone else, like a friend or relative, you might want to talk to that other person first. It’s not just your secret anymore. If your best friend asks you not to tell anyone, that includes your man.
  10. Why don’t you want to tell him? Think about why you’re even considering keeping a secret from him. Are you afraid of how he’ll react? Do you think it’ll hurt him? Odds are, if he’s a decent guy, he might get mad, but he’ll be glad you told him now instead of waiting months or years.
  11. Does it make you feel guilty? Guilt eats you alive if you let it. The guilt alone could ruin your relationship, not to mention he’ll notice you’re holding something back. Just save yourself the trouble and tell him.
  12. How would you feel if he had the same secret? Honestly, I think this might be the best question to ask yourself. Would you want him to keep the same secret or tell you? How would you feel if you found out about it later from someone else? Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and you’ll have your answer.

Every relationship has secrets. After all, you both have your own lives. Just remember that some secrets are better shared. If you’re both willing to talk things out, you can work through nearly any secret you might have.

Crystal Crowder is a freelance writer and blogger. She's a tech geek at heart, but loves telling it like it is when it comes to love, beauty and style. She's enjoys writing music, poetry and fiction and curling up with a great book. You can find her on Twitter @ccrowderwrites or check out her other writing on Medium.