I’ve Always Wanted Kids, But The Thought Of Having One Is Terrifying

I’ve Always Wanted Kids, But The Thought Of Having One Is Terrifying ¬©iStock/ArthurHidden

I’m in my early 30s, and I’ve known my entire life that I want to be a mom someday. The baby fever became much more real about five years ago, and now I’ve finally met someone I could see myself taking those next steps with. As wonderful as that is, the thought of actually having a child scares the hell out of me for so many reasons.

  1. I’m afraid of how it’ll affect my career. Corporate America isn’t always friendly to working moms, but I have no desire to give up my professional prowess and become a college-educated housewife either. I know it’s going to be hard to go to work and be productive when I’m pregnant and have terrible morning sickness, and returning to work only a few weeks after giving birth will be a challenge too. I know that strong women do it all the time, and I’ll figure it out, but it all sounds really overwhelming to someone who’s never experienced it.
  2. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate pregnancy. I love living life to the fullest, and being pregnant will eliminate a solid majority of my hobbies immediately. Alcohol and sushi are a couple of my favorite things in the world, and the thought of giving them up for the better part of a year just sucks. I’m also not a fan of caution; I prefer to throw it to the wind. Basically, there’s not much chance I’ll enjoy a lifestyle that expects me to wrap myself in hypothetical bubble wrap and stop living life. It’ll be a major sacrifice, but hopefully it’ll be worth it (just like all my mom friends have told me it will be).
  3. I worry about how it’ll affect my relationship. My relationship is great, and I see it going the distance, but it’s easy to be happy in a relationship when your only responsibility is towards each other and your own individual affairs. Adding a child to the mix will mean that we’re both responsible for taking care of our son or daughter as well. That added responsibility will stress us both out, and I hope the additional stress doesn’t cause dissent in our relationship.
  4. Kids are really freaking expensive. Sometimes I walk down the baby aisle at the grocery store just to remind myself of the importance of taking my birth control. Everything pertaining to kids is super expensive, and I’m just not financially ready for that yet, but at least I have an idea of how I’ll need to budget in the future when it’s time.
  5. I have no filter, and that could pose a problem. A few of my favorite words have only 4 letters, and I drop them randomly throughout every day without even trying. When I’m around kids, I try not to swear but it’s really hard for me. Kids pick up on everything, and people will think I’m a terrible mother if my kid drops an F bomb at school, so I’ll have to figure out a way to censor myself without feeling like I’m in verbal prison for the rest of my life.
  6. I love sleep, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to survive without it. I’ve been told that I’ll basically never sleep again after I have a kid, and I’m not sure how I could possibly survive that. I function best on at least 7-8 hours of sleep, and I really don’t want to start half-assing the things that are most important to me in life, like my careers, because I’m too tired to focus.
  7. I wonder if I’ll ever feel sexy again after I have a kid. My body is far from perfect already, but I’ve managed to accept my imperfections and feel sexy despite them. Will I be able to pull that off again after I’ve gained weight, given birth, and I’m left with the telltale stretch marks and saggy boobs? I honestly don’t know if loving my new body will come easily or if it’ll just be a newer, more challenging civil war for me.
  8. My life is going to completely change in one moment, and there will be no turning back. That moment will be when I find out I’m pregnant; my life will never be the same after that. I’ve thought about it a lot (namely every time I’m expecting my period), and the fear has built up over the years. That will be absolutely the scariest moment of my life, and I’m not sure how I’ll handle it when the time comes. As terrified as I am, I know that the best things in life come with challenges, so I’m preparing myself to deal with everything the future holds: the good and the bad.
Anna Martin Yonk is a freelance writer and blogger in sunny North Carolina. She loves hanging out with her goofy husband and two rescue dogs and can be found at the beach with a drink in hand whenever possible.