My soulmate just so happens to be someone I’ve known since my teenage years and only now have we realized that there’s something special that’s been keeping us connected all these years. So why am I headed for the hills instead of down the altar?
It’s not him, it’s me. I know it’s cliche but seriously, I wouldn’t change anything about the guy. He appreciates my wittiness, we have great conversations and my friends adore him. All of this is great, but I just can’t seem to shake that feeling that putting a title on us would be the demise of an otherwise beautiful thing.
The timing is off. My last relationship was off-and-on for four years. This time being “off” feels permanent and I’m finally OK with that. Lately, I’ve been picking up new hobbies, hanging with new people in exciting places and I’m really starting to dig the girl in the mirror. I know being in a relationship shouldn’t hinder the progress that I’ve made but frankly, I’m not ready to be a “we” again. I’m pretty fond of it being just me.
I feel like a deer in headlights. In the past, when he and I hung out there was no pressure because we were just friends. Now that we’ve unveiled the “S” word, I really don’t know what the next step is and a feeling of awkwardness comes over me whenever we talk. I find myself making up excuses to not hang out with him, which makes him feel rejected, which makes me feel horrible. This process alone has wreaked havoc on my mental state.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. We have such a great friendship already, why take the gamble of ruining it with emotions? Things we normally laugh about as friends may become hot-button issues and walking on eggshells just ain’t my thing. I’d rather us to continue enjoying each other’s quirks and attributes sans romantic title.
He’s like my best friend. He’s always been my go-to person to vent to when my significant other got on my nerves or when any major life change was going down. He’s one of my biggest cheerleaders but he also doesn’t sugarcoat anything. His at-times brutal honesty has always been something that I can count on and it scares me to think that the traits I like most about him will tarnish under the light of a relationship. Not to mention, if he’s not that go-to person for me anymore, who else is gonna be?
Everyone is attractive under dim lights. The beginning stages of dating and getting to know someone is super cute, that’s why it’s called the honeymoon phase. But once that phase is over and the “lights” come on, sh*t can get pretty heavy. That cute little thing about me that he loved may become annoying AF and vice versa. I’m not ready to trade in cute for annoying. It’s true that as friends he’s seen the good and bad parts of me but if we were to become a couple, he’d get to see the good, bad and the ugly—and ain’t nobody got time for ugly right now.
It’s hard for me to see him in that way. I know that being friends with benefits is a common thing these days, but we’ve never crossed that line and I’m cool with that. In fact, I can’t even picture him naked. It just seems so…wrong. Besides, what if we did sleep together and it sucked? I. Can’t. Even. I’d rather not risk it and we both just keep our pants on and our hands to ourselves.
Maybe I should be more careful about what I wish for. I used to always say that I want the guy I fall in love with to be my best friend. Well, surprise, surprise, the universe took that sh*t literally. I thought I was going to meet some wonderful guy on a whim and become lovers and best friends at the same damn time. Apparently, I’ve got the game all wrong.
This is the part where everyone calls me crazy. So I have a guy that pretty much knows everything about me, genuinely cares about me, yet I don’t want to be with him? The nerve. Trust me, I get it. But I have to respect how I feel and right now, I’m happy with my life as-is.
If it’s meant to be, maybe it’ll come back, right? Or maybe I am crazy after all.
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